Should I forgive my mother?

Question

OK, basically at the beginning of this year, my mother tried to kill me. Seriously. She wrapped her hands around my throat and tried to strangle me because I asked her to stop smoking cannabis in front of me, as I have recently quit taking it. Now one of my oldest friends says that I should forgive her, cause I am moving out of town. Except, I don't think I should, as I am convinced that if I hadn't managed to fight her off me, she would be in jail right now and I would be 6 feet under. What do you think people? Does she deserve another chance?

reading peoples answers so far... my mother WAS stoned at the time, but violence is not a normal reaction to cannabis abuse... quite the opposite...

Look guys... I'm really sorry if this offends, but none of the bible-spouting crap, please. I'm usually a very tolerant person, but telling me that Satan is to blame is NOT HELPFUL

Answer 1

Move on with your life. Perhaps in the future you mom will get off the drugs and put her life back in order. Maybe she will ask you for forgiveness. Maybe she will remain a drug addict forever.

Consider this however. Most drug addicts have to hit rock bottom before they seek help and recovery. If you forgive her and she feels that what she did was not that bad you may be contributing to her remaining as a drug addict. Perhaps your absence and lack of forgiveness will be one more reason for her to feel that it is time to seek help.

It's tricky, and there is probably no right answer. But generally for me if someone tries to kill me even if it is a parent, I tend to be slow to forgive.

Answer 2

i think you should give it time before even thinking about forgiving your mother, does she want to be forgiven? if so set her some ground rules first, like stop smoking cannabis, get some help, also talk to somebody to try to work out what made her do this, after all you don't just try and kill your daughter no matter how far they push you....is there an underlying problem or reason she did this...is she happy, these are just a few things to consider before taking the next step, you need to congratulate yourself for not smoking cannabis anymore and if she aint willing to stand by her and do the same then try giving her some space for a few weeks, just don't get in touch with her during this time, this should encourage her to wonder where you are and also she is then more likely to sit down and have a much needed long talk with you where you can set the record straight with her, just remember. the ball is in YOUR court and don't let her off too lightly because it will happen again. i wish you all the best. K :o)

Answer 3

Firstly, good luck with quitting yourself!

Your mother has put you in a very difficult position! She needs to apologise to you (and mean it!). I believe you cannot fully forgive someone who does not ask for it. Having said that, I also believe you can forgive the person but not the action. However, while waiting for her, leave lines of communication open - else she cannot ask for your forgiveness!

Once she realises she is in the process of losing you permanently, she may come to her senses. You do not say if you are still afraid of her. If so, make sure everyone knows not to tell her your new address, just give her a PO Box number, so she can write to you. Make sure you still send her Birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day cards (be the bigger person!). That way, you can give her your news (and how well you are doing without her!).

You do not say how old you are, nor if you have children. When she realises she has lost direct contact with them (now or in the future!), she may straighten up.

I have a feeling that being a cannabis addict (and it is addictive, no matter what people tell you!) is like being an alcoholic. You have to reach rock bottom before you can give up. Cannabis, like alcohol, impairs your judgement. After all, you cannot drive when taking either drug! Some people 'mellow out' when on alcohol, but then they can turn. It sounds like that is what happened with your mother on cannabis. Until she can see that, it will be hard to have a relationship with her.

(as an aside, it sounds like she acted like my children when they were toddlers and had their favourite toy taken away because they had been naughty!)

I am not saying that an apology from her will solve all the problems between the pair of you, but it would be a start!

Please remember you only get one mother, but being a mother is also a privilege. As I tell my children, I do not like you at the moment, but I will always love you. To love someone properly, you need to respect that person. Obviously you cannot respect your mother when she acted like that (even if it was only once).

You must also remember that she will not be a good influence on your children to see her stoned. Would you be able to trust her to look after your children if she can act like that?

As I said already, you can forgive the person but not the action. So you could perhaps reach a compromise - forgive her but tell her you want no physical contact from her until she has stopped doing the action and got some help for her addiction. Then she is likely to want your support - and you must support her emotionally when she decides to clean up!
I know this is a rambling message (I put things down as I think of them!) but I hope it makes some sense to you.

Good luck in your new life! And leave lines of communication open so she can apologise to you when she is ready. Then you can take things from there and perhaps rebuild your relationship. And stay civil when you see her at family reunions!

Answer 4

. It dosent seem that she has always abused you. What I could understand the above mention was an isolated incident. She is your mother and there are times or rather moments in life when blood relations mean to us more than anything else. You know your mother best to getthings in proper perspective. Have a sit down discussion with her about your mutual feelings regarding the above incident. Then forgive her and move on with your life. You are already moving out of town
Belive me, it would have been something completely different even if it was your best friend or anyone else. But this is your mother. Let things go. You will not be able to forgive yourself if she were dying or something like that.

Answer 5

She does deserve another chance even if you have to let the cannabis and murder topic drop. As you build bridges towards respecting one another, she will realise how wrong she was to do such an evil thing. If you do forgive your mother she will have not have a reason to dislike you and find it easier in herself to admit to her problems. But she can only admit to these problems herself and when she needs the support then provide it. Your mother will miss you more once you are out of town and realise what a special daughter you were for forgiving her.

Answer 6

My dad did the same thing to me about 12 years ago, but he was not on drugs he was just an @ss hole.....and no I didn't do anything wrong, I knocked the dinner table as I got down when he was still eating and he just went mental!!!!!!

I have never forgiven him, in fact I have never spoken to him since and to me personally I couldn't even look him in face now knowing that he could do that to his own daughter!!!!!

I have a 8 year old son that he has never seen and will never see as I think "what if" he did something trivial wrong what would he do to him and I would never be able to forgive myself.

Of course every ones circumstances are different and I it is ultimately up to you but you have to think of the consequences of not forgiving her as you could help her get off the drugs but only when shes ready, don't try and push it till shes ready it won't work.

Answer 7

Do what would makes you feel right. Don't feel guilty if you do not want to talk to her. You should just forgive her silently for now, in my opinion---to get over your bitterness. Then wait awhile and see how you feel. You could always send her a letter and see how it goes from there. I think you should get into counseling to--that will help you to sort out your feelings and lead you in the right direction.. I am sorry about what happened. You could always still report it to the police about her drug use or get someone else to take her to a rehab. I would insist that she gets help if she wants a relationship with you b/c it sounds like she is on other drugs too--not just pot.

Answer 8

I feel for you, cause its not normal that a mother would attempt to kill her own child. She does sound like she needs help but i think she was under the influence of the drug at that pt in time, so she might not have been entirely aware of her actions.

but i think you should just forgive her. its so much easier to forgive instead of having a grudge for a very long time.

i've learnt that forgiveness is often not so much of the person who's wronged you, but for the person wronged himself. its about letting go and relasing hurts.

i wish you all the very best. God bless you

Answer 9

Amazing. I've never seen a stoned person get violent before. Well, it helped she was stoned, I guess to fight her off, eh?
As far as forgiving her, of course you should. You should forgive everyone. Should you forget, no? Second chance? Na. You're moving out of town. You don't have to forgive her today. You can be angry for awhile. But put it on your to-do list.

Answer 10

In the scheme of things, cannabis is light compared to other substances...

Tell her your feelings on the matter of the smoking and the strangulation...

If she isn't willing to listen, then move on for a little while and hope she comes round... If not, in a year or so, get back in touch and see if she is still alive...

Answer 11

If it would make you feel better to forgive her (to help you release some anger) then do so. But that's only if you really feel it in your heart -- you cannot truly forgive someone if you're not ready for it yet -- otherwise it's just a lie. Either way though, I would still keep your distance. I'm sorry you're going through this and I wish you luck.