Ok i have a problem with my 11 year old daughter. Please help?

Question

My daughter wants to spend time with me at the times when she has to do something or at bedtime. I come up with something to do to spend time with her but it is never good enough, or she has other things she wants to do. I don't like forcing her to spend time with me and her dad because then we never have a good time because she is pouting and being grumpy. I don't know what to do. She always tells me "i need you, I haven't seen you all day". You never spend time with me. But when I try to she would rather do something else. I am frustrated but I feel bad when she does that stuff to me. What do I do? Help!!!!!

Just some more info. We live with my mother still until we can get a place of our own. Well my mom buys her stuff all the time, and we try to limit the things we get her and make her earn her money. Well anyways we will have something planned for us to do and my mom will ask if she wants to go shopping or something like that with her and she blows us off. Even if it is something she has chosen to do. We have sat her down and talked about it and told her how we feel. She apologizes for it and what not but she still does it over and over. You know it's hard to tell her no you can't go with your grandma because you want them to spend time together but she seems to spend all of her time with her grandma. I'm soo frustrated. I just don't know what to do. We rent the basement from my mom and she doesn't stay down here with us, she goes upstairs with my mom because she has a cooler tv and more room. What do we do?

Oh and another thing I work at her school and she stays with me the whole time at recess (i'm the recess aide). She likes to hang out with me.

Answer 1

This sounds like typical pre-teen behavior. Some people never outgrow this either. Why not plan something without the intention of making it official "together" time. Just have something pre-planned and when you're ready, just say that y'all have to go somewhere... don't give too many details just say, I'm not sure but let's see... After all, it seems that your daughter becomes uninterested while you're discussing possible activities. I am NOT implying anything by this, but when I was pregnant all that extra hormonal stuff got me very irritable, even though I really wanted to spend more time with my husband who was always training (he's in the Army). I would tell him that we should go out and do something but then I would become disinterested and attack him. I think that your daughter is hitting puberty and is having similar effects as a result of her hormones shifting. So anyway, my husband would get me local activities magazines or papers and ask me to circle things I'd like to do... Then we'd make a list and see how many we could check off, we'd then put smiley or frowney faces depending on if we'd want to do it again or not. Also, don't rule out that perhaps your daughter may have started her period, she needs your guidance, advice and support. Girls these days are menstruating earlier than before... I got mine in 5th grade.. So maybe she wants to be closer to you because she needs you now more than ever... be there!!! She wants to talk but may not be sure about the topic(s) or your possible reactions to her curiosity. Some things to try with your pre-teen might be more fun than she may think at first... they are great places to get the ball rolling on talking to one another... if you can't think of what to talk about, ask questions to employees or tour guides, then maybe she'll ask things on her own... Try:

- One of those pottery places where you can pick an item and paint it, then come back after it's been baked

-A visit to a salon to get y'alls nails done

-Go to the zoo with 2 disposable camera's... pretend y'all are paparazzi and try to take some cool shots of one another... or the animals

-Go to free day at your city or town museums... you can learn new things and start up a conversation on pretty much anything

-Buy some seed packets, find a secret location in a park and come back periodically to see if anything has grow...

-The possibilities are endless!!! Be creative and ask for input even if it seems hopeless or doesn't come through... after all, she's just a child and still doesn't know exactly what she might want... Good Luck!!!

P.S. My favorite thing to do with my husband that never got boring was this: We'd go to the market and buy crawfish (or crawdads) and we'd release them at a man made pond at a local park. We'd come back every now and then to bring more and would find that the others we had left before were still there!!! So, we had our own secret civilazion of free shellfish at our local dog park... neato!!! We let my step-daughter in on our secret and it was one of her most treasured memories!!! The most creative things that you make your own are probablt going to be the one's your daughter may respond the most too...

Answer 2

I think your daughter is struggling with growing up and maybe a little bit of manipulation. She is at an age where she wants to develop independence from you but at the same time she's still a little girl. I would put the problem back in her lap. The next time she tells you she wants to spend time but you are never available tell her to give you a time and activity that she wants to do. That way she can't say she has other things to do.

The manipulation part comes into play because you already feel guilty about not spending time when she wants. So she uses this to get out of doing the things she is supposed to do. You can simply tell her that your together time cannot be when she has chores or bedtime. I would tell her this before the issue comes up so that she can't say you just don't want to spend time with her.

As far as being pouty and grumpy when doing things with you and her dad, that is just part of being a preteen/teen. Both of our older girls did the same thing but now admit they really enjoyed the things we did, they just felt like they had to protest because kids aren't supposed to want to spend time with their parents.

Stay calm, Don't worry about the small things (and this is a small thing) and before you know it, she'll be all grown up and probably your best friend. Trust me. I've been there.

Answer 3

What is it she wants to do? maybe you could compromise, maybe what she wants to do isnt so unreasonable? get her to help with a list of 'approved' things, like reading walking sun bathing swimming etc so that u can both state what u want to do. then if she says something u think is unreasonable frist think is it really un reasonable, we parents often say no to quickly, and if it is explain why it is. if its just unreasonable because its bedtime etc then make a point of doing that thing on the weekend. u do need to let her come up with things to do to, and surely not every thing she wants is out of the question. what about fun things like a mum and daughter make over at home or going to the salon together. what about leaning embroidery ( my step mom and i did cross stitch together and it bought us a little closer and its something i still do today) baking together is a good one too. and make sure there are things u can include dad in, a family walk in the evenings was a great memory from my childhood. my family also went camping together a lot and did things like canoeing and absailing and i look back on it all with a huge grin! hope ive helped.
as for the additonal details u just added this is not a problem with ur daughter but with ur mom, tell ur mom to stop inviting ur caughter without asking u guys, not in front of ur daughter, frist. make set time when she can go upsatirs and spend time with grandmas cool tv and other times she has to stay down with u guys. ur mom needs to accept that while u live under her roof u still rule ur family and she cant undermine u. also let ur mom know that u appreciate that she wants to spend time with ur daughter but u dont want her to over do it. also some of the suggestions above could include grandma sometimes, but also make time for UR family alone. grandma is being a little too involved i think.

Answer 4

To put it simply:

1. Put your foot down on any interference on your scheduled plans with your daughter from anyone, especially you mom.

2. Plan your together time with your daughter in a schedule of events that both of you agree on ahead of time.

3. Let your daughter know that there will be no more breaking promises to do things with certain people at certain times unless she is is very sick. A promise is a promise.

4. Encourage her to make friends or at least read a book at recess, as you don't want her to possibly be labeled as a geek or something like that from her peers.

5. Stop worrying, she will outgrow it soon enough.

Answer 5

Firstly you don't say if your daughter is an only child. If she is then you need to get yours and her priorities fixed. Tell her you need to talk to her and need discussing when is the best time for both of you. She, afterall was brought into this world by you and she needs to learn what to do in your home. Afterall you were there first. Tell her you will devote a special time to do things with her and then agree on a time, of day, or night, but it mustn't be at bedtime. And if she pouts, then hey she has to learn, she can't get everthing in life she wants. That not how it works. When she says things like "I need you and I haven't seen you all day" Well she needs to get over it. You need a life as well. What happens when she gets old enough to have a boyfriend and starts dating. How would she like it if you did that to her. Im sure she would be annoyed with you. Beieve me its all part of growing up. Give her encouragement when she needs it and tell her your always there for her, whether its givng her time of day or giving her space to do things she wants to do on her own. As long as your there for her at the right time. Just let her pout, she will get over it. Good luck

Answer 6

Sounds like there is something going on under the surface here. Is there something she wants to tell you but is afraid? From the info you have given me, it looks like she is moody and insecure. Did this behavior just develop? Can you pinpoint a specific time period when her personality changed? If so, what happened in that time period? The next time she says something like that, I would suggest for you to drop everything you are doing and spend some time alone with her. Even if it means a later bed time. Ask her what she wants to do specifically. Tell her that you and Daddy love her very much, that you will do everything you can to protect her, and that you aren't going anywhere. Let her know that nothing bad is going to happen to you. Tell her a secret (age appropriate) about yourself, maybe from your childhood and then ask her if she has a secret she wants to tell you.

Answer 7

There is some thing very flawed, for her to be mendacity and stealing at eleven years historic. When kids are 5 - 7, they are going to lie and virtually suppose their possess lies, as they wrestle to sort fable from truth. When an eleven year old lies, there's an actual trouble. What's the difficulty? Some children lie because they are punished physically. Use of bodily punishment well-nigh guarantees that your child will deceive you, due to the fact bodily punishment does not instruct a baby how to act, however how now not to behave - and no longer atmosphere yourself up to be hit is self-retaining and normal. Accordingly, lies when caught. If that's the limitation, you move forward via having extra respectful, valuable discipline, eliminate and apologize for the hitting, and specific your predicament that she does not consider secure being sincere. Why would she want forty bucks at her age? That is an extra quandary here, it seems. A further cause children lie is when they are irritated at us. Peculiarly as you've centered lying as any such primary predicament, you have informed her what she will be able to to do get to you. Might she be irritated with you? Might she be looking to make sure that she will get your awareness? Why do you feel like a horrible mother? Are there unique regrets you've, matters you will have to address together with her, or are you beating yourself up given that of her missteps? Take into account, youngsters are not born understanding how to act, and our job is to aid them develop right. This isn't the tip of the sport, you are still raising her. When my youngsters have violated principles, i have been pleased on one degree for the opportunity for them to have consequences, to be shaken up, to seem extra deeply at themselves. So far as college thoroughly failing her, I find college makes lots of children believe badly about themselves. Homeschooling is most likely a better alternative.

Answer 8

Your daughter has learned the art of manipulation very well. Don't you find it odd she wants to have "quality" time when she is required to do a chore or be in bed? These things should not be negotiable. Chore first, attention after. Set bed times must be in forced. Living with your mother makes structured environment hard on everyone but it is necessary for all. Set visitation times with grandma, and stick to it. A talk with your mom would also help. Set limits on her "input" and put a stop to her constantly buying things for her. An occasional gift, with your approval, would be appreciated. (Children are expensive to raise and we can all use a little help!) But ultimately, your mom! Don't allow the child to run you over with "mothers guilt" to get her way. She needs to learn to appreciate what you can and do provide for her. Many of us, at one time or another, have been forced to stay with relatives. Thank God they are there to help in time of need, but it is only a temporary inconvenience for all. Be strong and firm and all will benefit. Best of luck!

Answer 9

I have the same problem with my 5 year old. Here's what I do: let her help you around the house. Simple things like folding the towels in the laundry or drying the dishes. That way you're doing what you need to do and she still gets to spend time talking and relating with you. Here's something my sis-in-law did with her 12 year old: go grocery shopping and split up half the list. give her the easy things to find where brands don't matter like toilet paper and paper towels. Agree what aisle to meet on and see who finishes first! While riding home you can give her your personal tips on brands, what to look for in fruit, etc.

Answer 10

Perhaps you should find a hobby you all like to do together or mother/daughter hobby or activity. Then you will both enjoy what you are doing along with each other company. She is at a tough time in her life too, changes, hormones etc. So give her some space and find those things you like to do with each other. Goodluck!