i am dating and have a child with a man that has another child with an ex of 3 years. last year the mother of his child passed away suddenly in a car accident. the child is 2 and a half. my boyfriend wants to get custody but i am worried. he doesn't commit himself to our child completely already. i'm worried he won't his son either. is it selfish to not want to get the child for fear i will be the only caretaker? what do i do? i'm so young and a first time mom myself.
2006-06-26 15:36:24 · 13 answers · asked by kari 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
i am 22 yearsold. my son is 7 months. the other child is in cutody of his grandmother. whom had custody of him at the time of his mother's death. and has had custody from the time he was 9 months.
2006-06-26 16:01:21 · update #1
the child is fromhis home state. some 9 hours away.
2006-06-26 16:04:58 · update #2
Talk to him, tell him how you feel.
Let him know that right now you don't feel like he helps you enough with the child you have together and now he wants to bring in this child from a previous relationship and you are afraid that you will be the one taking care of the child without much help from him. You are just a first time mom and trying to adjust to the growing child you currently have. It may sound selfish, but it is hard raising kids. It isn't something that you learn over night.
I understand how you feel (almost). I am 20 with a 17 month old, my fiance has two kids from a previous marrage and if my fiance suddenly got custody I don't know what we would do, his two boys will be 11 and 9 this year and I turn 21 this year. It would be too much for me, but I guess we could figure it out. Actually this would make my fiance VERY happy, he hasn't seen his boys in four years and he misses them so much!
All of that said, you still need to take in consideration that he IS the father of this other child and if you want to be happy together that you will need to compromise (hence him needing to help, I would have to do the same).
2006-06-26 16:06:07 · answer #1 · answered by Crazy Mama 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You have to do what you feel comfortable with. Only you know this man. Is he fighting for custody and is he using you and your child to say he has a stable life with two parents in the home? You can't go to court and lie. If he isn't committed to your child I'm not sure he should be raising another one by himself. Is the other child with someone that is a good caretaker for him/her?
You have to decide where your life with this guy is headed. Do you see yourself marrying the guy and being together long term? If the true answer is no, you cannot help him get custody of a child, he has to do it all on his own. The court will examine whether he is fit for the job. Use both your heart and your head! You know what you can handle.
2006-06-26 15:47:28 · answer #2 · answered by monkeedee2 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow hon. What a tough situation. Honestly, would you really want to turn a child away just because he is your boyfriend's ex's child? I would feel bad for the child because his mother died. I know it isn't your responsibility, but that is your child's half sibling. He isn't going to have a mother of his own, and when you marry someone who has kids, you take on that family as your own. I know you aren't married, so at this stage, you aren't really obligated to stick around if he should get custody. I understand that he doesn't commit to your child completely, but should his other child suffer the loss of his mother as well as his father? I feel really bad for you. I also feel bad for the son who no longer has a mommy. Is there anyone else that could raise the child?Just out of curiosity, I wonder how old you are. I sure do wish you the best of luck girl. *hugs*
2006-06-26 15:57:10 · answer #3 · answered by outlawsister1973 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a serious situation and I would go and seek some professional advice. I don't know if you're in Canada or not - but there are free services called Family Services - that provide counselling to people for a reduced rate - sliding scale depending on income. If you're in the US - just try to find someone through some agency - that might know where you could get some good counselling - like a family planning organization etc. It sounds like you need some support and this is the sort of thing you want to take your time over, get proper perspective and be clear about the decisions and the things you do and say - as this affects children. Go and talk to a professional - please. It will help you immensely. If you find someone who doesn't click with you - see someone else. Just get some good advice from someone who really understands these things.
2006-06-26 15:43:42 · answer #4 · answered by Lucy H 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are not selfish raising children is not easy today and a big responsibility. If the two of you are already having parenting issues then you may need to consider a added responsibility. Also if you decide to take the child in maybe a parenting class would help him.
2006-06-26 15:50:06 · answer #5 · answered by lilmandy1972 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well first of all how old are you? Sencondyou are going to be all the child knows as his mother since he is young and his mother has passed on. You dont need to question yourself you need to talk to your man and find out what he is going to do to commit himself to his son and your baby? Even if you are the only caretaker I feel like you can do. Have faith in yourself and in GOD.
2006-06-26 15:42:10 · answer #6 · answered by cici 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you are ignoring the bigger issue here. If you don't approve of his parenting approach you need to deal with that first! And what about the other aspects of his personality? Seems to me if you cant find it in your heart to take care of your own kid then maybe you have some issues to deal with. If talking to him about it doesn't work, maybe this guy isn't worth you're while. You don't have to stay with a guy just because he is the father of your child.
You have to be strong and stand up for yourself girlfriend! You know I'm right!
2006-06-26 16:20:04 · answer #7 · answered by Sidereality 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
get the child because no matter how bad your parenting or his parenting may be it is definitely better then him growing up without parents, What you need to do is kick your mans *** and tell him to get his **** together, get his responsibilities in order but tell him to get custody of the child also tell the guy to give you a ring if you are considering adopting a child together
2006-06-26 15:41:46 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can talk to him and tell him how you feel but your boyfriend is this child's father and he should take responsibility for it. If you plan to have a serious long relationship with your boyfriend then you must accept this child.
2006-06-26 15:49:35 · answer #9 · answered by Alej 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you are doing the right thing not only for you the kid him self. I think you are going to be the perfict mom talk to him tell him how you feel and pray. Hopefully he will understand
2006-06-26 15:44:35 · answer #10 · answered by Mariana 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋