What do I do if my 4 year old son prefers girl stuff?

Question

He loves hairdo's, dolls , skirts, my shoes etc. My mother encourages it (buys him my pretty ponys) which angers my husband who forbids it. I'm kind of in the middle, I don't buy him girl toys, but if he picks one up I don't freak out. He has been doing this for well over a year now. At first we thought it was a funny phase he was going thru, now I'm wondering if this is abnormal behavior for a 4 year old and if I should be concerned.

My husband and I are very affectionate with him - we like to cuddle with him and he usually sleeps with us. I wonder if this has anything to do with it.

Answer 1

I saw this on Dr. Phil...

Robby's 5-year-old son loves to play with Barbies and prefers wearing girl's clothes. She asks Dr. Phil how to deal with this behavior, which she doesn't think is normal.

"There are developmental stages in kids and it is not unusual, particularly for young boys, to experiment and get stuck on certain stimulus items," says Dr. Phil. Particularly because the little boy has two older sisters, he says, it's not unusual.

"This is not a precursor to your son being gay," explains Dr. Phil. He'll know that in time, but this is not an indication of his sexual orientation.

Dr. Phil tells Robby that she has a job to do: "Direct your son in an unconfusing way. Don't buy him Barbie dolls or girl's clothes. You don't want to do things that seem to support the confusion at this stage of the game ... Take the girl things away, and buy him boy toys."

Most importantly, he tells Robby, "Support him in what he's doing, but not in the girl things."

Hope this helps... I know what it's like... my 20 month ols son likes to look at me put on my make up and one time he tried to put on powder... my husband FREAKED and said that he didn't want him to turn gay... I know that at his age, he doesn't know anything about sexual orientation or gender roles... I know that he is just curious and likes to imitate what we do... don't worry about your son... he's still too young to understand the roles that society expects him to fill and to avoid as a male... NEVER assume that extra love or cuddles has anything to do with this either!!! I read about a study that showed that boys whose parents were not very affectionate had a harder time communicating their emotions or asking for help than boys whose parents were openly affectionate and supportive. You are not doing anything wrong, but you should tell your mother to ease up on the gir toy thing... it will only confuse him if she keeps getting him girl toys and then having to explain to him later on that they are not appropriate toys for a boy for whatever reason... hes being teased on school or by family or friends, etc... Good Luck and Best Wishes!!!

Answer 2

Letting him sleep with you is a WAY bigger problem than the girl toys. He's at the age (and almost past it) where he should be learning to take his first few steps away from you, becoming a more independent child. Sleeping alone in his own bed is a big part of that. If you don't teach him this independence now, he will learn dependence instead and it will VERY hard to reverse.

As for the girl toys, it's not a big deal. Playing with these toys doesn't mean that there 's anything at all wrong with him. However, acting like its a problem and withholding the toys or punishing him for playing with them will make him feel like there's something wrong with him - and that's not good. Let him play with the girl toys until he's tired of them.

Here's a bit of personal reflection: My brother had dolls as a child, doll clothes, barbies, My Little Pony, Carebears, all because I was his twin sister and we had all the same toys. Anything one received, the other recieved, whether it was a race car or a baby doll. He studied Criminal Justice, and he's now a Sgt. in the US Army as a paratrooper who just returned from Iraq. He's married to a great girl and is expecting his first child, a son, this fall. Will his son have dolls? Yes. Because letting boys practice being daddies when they're young let's them learn to be good, nurturing fathers later on.

Answer 3

It could be a phase, it could be a personal preference, he could one day become a transvestite, it could be that he is gay. Guess what, if he is gay you can give him all the 'manly' toys you like, he will not change his gender preferences. He could even grow up as a transsexual, you just never know.

Your mother needs to do what you say is appropriate for your child. Let's face it if a boy is seen playing with a pink My Little Pony he is going to get teased. So for your mother to deliberately encourage a behavior that is objectionable to your husband is completely unacceptable. You need to take charge and tell her to stop. Otherwise your husband will resent how you appear to be siding with her.

Many men are terrified that their son could be gay, so you need to be sensitive to that. You should not be kind of in the middle over this issue you should side with your husband rather than your mother.

I think you are right not to freak out about what toys he plays with. Let's face it there is a lot of sexism in toys. Girls being given dolls and boys being given guns and cars.

Finally I think that cuddling a child is completely fine. Letting a four year old sleep in bed with you is quite absurd and could certainly lead to various behavioral problems.

Answer 4

There is nothing wrong with cuddling your son and showing affection. He will in turn when he gets older be a loving and caring person and know how to show it. Tell your husband to quit being such a homophobe. If you make your son feel embarassed or ashamed for his choice of toys or what his interests are you are only going to raise a very unhappy and insecure child. You should be happy that he is healthy and not worried about if he could be gay. If your son is gay you cannot change who he is and if you make him act a certain way he will only hate you and your husband when he gets older. I had an extended family member spend his whole life hiding how he felt and his mother ridiculing him and correcting him when he acted too feminine and as he grew older he became a very unhappy angry person and he killed himself by jumping off the balconey of his sixth floor apartment building. Now his mom tries to get sympathy for his death and acts like she had no part in it but we all know she has to wallow in her own guilt for how she treated him just for being gay.

Answer 5

this is the age where u do start to worry, he is still small, at that age they do like to play w/ toys nomatter if it's for girls or boys, did u watch the movie in lifetime, when her son wanted to be a girl see if u can watch that movie and watch the signs, and was a very sad movie, we are parents we do worry about our children but we also have to let the know who they are, it all could be just a phase, ur mom should not buy him girls stuff, and i four years old there's nothing w/ u or ur husband being affeciante that is ur baby, and i don't think it has nothing to do w/ that. good luck.

Answer 6

leave your son alone. many children go through many phases at many different ages.please don't allow him to be the subject of discussions about his behavior. He is an individual in his own right and doing only what makes him happy. Let him grow into whatever he will be.All this is too much for a 4 yearold and pressure is going to take away hes self esteem.what he is doing may be perfectly fine and if he does have a sexual identy problem you are not going to change it.You will only make a little boy unhappy and wondering why he is not pleasing someone.God made him so for God's sake leave him alone to be himself

Answer 7

I have a 4 year old girl and is to cars as well as the Disney's movie Cars. I've noticed she's getting into a bit boyish stuff. My suggestion is that he is going into a phase. Soon he'll have to stop sleeping with you and your spouse. It's hard. I'm having a difficult time with my daughter. I would suggest having your son play cars, trains, etc with other boys. Does he go to preschool or a day care? Does he have friends or cousins? Socialization will benefit.

Answer 8

It is absolutely normal. I used to teach preschool (four year class) and the boys played with the dolls and kitchen center more than the girls. He will grow out of it slowly the older he gets. I know of even ten year old boys who still play with their sisters toy. My nephew is eight, he spends the night and plays with my four year old daughters toys all the time. If you make a big deal about it or make fun of him it will only make him think that there is something wrong with him. Eventually it will lead to self esteem issues. And that's alot harder to fix.

Answer 9

there is nothing wrong with your little boy. It is just a phase he is going through. you and you husband are looking at it like he is playing with girl things. he is looking at it like he is playing with toys. My son played with his sisters dolls all the time and my mom bought him his own doll. Well just to let you no he out grew it , turned out fine and is now 19 years old.

Answer 10

I wouldnt worry about it I'm sure he is fine.. My son plays with his sisters babies and things like that and he has even gotten a Dora The Explorer doll for his birthday.. But he still loves his cars and trucks..