My husbands family is all about kids and my parents think I shouldn't have kids because "in this day and age, they are too expensive and you've invested too much in your education to spend the rest of your life babysitting..."....blah blah. My husband's family keeps asking why we dont have kids. They are starting to be rude about it and I'm so torn between them, my parents and my own feelings. I can't sort through what I truly want and what I've been "taught" by my parents. I'm afraid if I do have kids, my parents will stop talking to me. How do I sort through all of this?
2006-06-26 12:52:45 · 13 answers · asked by hikgirl 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I'm 31 and my husband is 30. We have good jobs and are good together. We just haven't had kids yet. Even though my parents live 3 states away, and we've never gotten along all that great, their words still effect me. The thought of them not talking to me at all over our choice to have kids just kills me.
My husband's family just thinks we are nutty for not having kids yet. It sends me into tears after each family gathering.
2006-06-26 13:21:33 · update #1
What do you and your husband want? Have you and your husband made a decision on this? Whatever you do, do not make a decision based upon what either one of your families want. Make the decision based on you and your husbands life plan.
I never offer a definite answer/opinion when it comes to kids and families. However, in this situation, I will. If what your post is 100% accurate, both families are completely in the wrong, selfish and controlling. I'm sure both families 100% believe that they know what is best for you. Many families believe that married people should have kids. Society pretty much believes that, I have no idea why? Now, it is much more abnormal for a family to take the position that a married couple having children is bad. There has to be some underlying motives for that. They must believe that you two are too selfish for children; destine for divorce; worry that you are going to leave him, with the kid, and want to move back in with them...or something. I don't know. Deep down, you must have some sort of idea.
Either way, DO NOT LET ANYONE PRESSURE YOU IN TO HAVING KIDS! That is absolutely ridiculous, and they are caring more about themselves than you. On the flip side, a parent that would abandon their child because she decided to have a kid with her husband is off the hook insane. There is some severe psychosis going on there. I have to believe that this in not the case, even though you believe so. Like I said, they must believe that the relationship is doomed or something.
Either way, if your post is a 100% accurate description of both sets of parents positions on grandchildren, they are selfish and only have their best interests in mind.
You and your husband need to make the ultimate decision. The child, children, or lack there of, is 100% your responsibility and your life's future, not theirs.
I mean, this is ridiculous!
Your parents are going to disown you if you have a child with your husband? His parents shame you because you don't have kids? C'mon, what kind of parents are these? I'm sure they love you both deeply and are good people, and they do not realize the ramifications of their behaviors.
No good, loving, caring parent would ever put thier kids in your situation.
Stay Up! Do what you and your husband want!
2006-06-26 14:53:14 · answer #1 · answered by Cing 4 · 15⤊ 1⤋
Your parents sound like very cold people. Children are expensive but for those who want to have children they are worth the effort and expense. And your own parents went to that effort and expense. I can't help but wonder, are you very young, perhaps in your twenties, and they hope that you will establish yourself financially before you decide to have children? Perhaps that is their message. If their message really is don't ever have children bcause we've invested too much in your education to have you do that, then that's a real problem on their part. There is no better or more important occupation in life than raising children. If you agree with that statement and your husband does also, then by all means, have children. If you do not agree, then please don't. I wish you good luck in your decision.
2006-06-26 13:03:36 · answer #2 · answered by PDY 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just look inside yourself and do what is best for YOU and your hubby. Dont worry about what your family or his family thinks, its your life you cant please everyone only yourself. if youve worked hard to attain your career goal and you truly would love to have kids, then consider it in the near future. Anyone can tell you kids are a 24-7 job, emotionally and physically. I myself have been in a relationship with my boyfriend going on 5 years. we are deeply commited and have a 4 month old daughter. i am very happy with her but i feel like my days involve bottle washing, clothes washing, t.v, and sleep. thats about it! Plus i dont even work! but then again i personally love children and i cannot wait till she gets a little older so we can have some fun. Its all how u look at it. what does your husband want? this is a very important decision between the two of you, not everyone else. ....nanny
2006-06-26 13:04:44 · answer #3 · answered by yahooligan 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My wife and I did not have any children for the first 22 YEARS of marriage! Of course, my wife's sister had children at a younger age, and my sister had children at a younger age, and my wife's brother had children at a younger age - and ALL thought we were a couple of loosers because we did not have children.
We put our JOBS first, family came later in life. I have no regrets; back then - we were poor! Now we have money, we can raise children in a decent, clean, and happy environment. Not scraping up pennies every day.
If the relatives do not like the way you live, do what we did; STOP going over to their places! For 20 years we avoided seeing, or calling any of them. This is YOUR LIFE and your SPOUSE'S LIFE, not everyone else!!
They WILL get over it. Now we see all of the all the time. Even their GROWN UP children!!
2006-06-26 13:09:24 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow sound like you have great parents - NOT!
By listening to your heart and deciding what you and your husband want, not anybody else.
When do you get to live your life? Ignore both your parents and his parents.
As an adult you should be willing to give up your dreams for your children but NEVER for your parents.
P.S. Education is NEVER a waste. If anything it makes you a better parent. Tell your parents to put that in their pipe and smoke it.
2006-06-26 13:16:31 · answer #5 · answered by pamspraises 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Whether or not you and your husband have children is between you and your husband and it is NOBODY ELSE'S BUSINESS. PERIOD. You will have to tell both sets of parents to BUTT OUT. If they don't like it they can lump it. When two people marry they become they're own family unit not an extension of either set of parents family. I would discuss my advice with your husband which is as follows: For a period of time that you both agree on STOP GOING OR COMMUNICATING with BOTH sets of parents. It must be both or you will have additional problems. When they inquire about why you are not on their doorstep that is when you can honestly and calmly tell them that it is frankly none of their business whether you guys have children or not.
2006-06-26 13:12:28 · answer #6 · answered by myjamsandwich 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay- I vaguely remember a dear abby column with this question.
Answer by saying:
That you are your husband are waiting for the best time to have children, and right now is not it, but as soon as it is, you will be sure to tell the people who are nagging you about it.
As for your parents, if you want a baby and are ready for one, than have one. Don't let them dictate your life. Also, I understand teaching your kids to wait until the time is right to have children, but to say never have children and willing to stop speaking to their daughter if she has a baby is downright selfish. Remember, lots of professional women have kids, just like lots of professional women don't have kids. Its yours and your husbands choice, no one elses.
2006-06-26 13:05:53 · answer #7 · answered by thedivineoomba 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are your own person
Do you want kids now or later or at all ?
After all you will be looking after them for the best
part of the time.
I knew when I wanted kids there was no thinking
involved and my husband agreed (guess I was lucky to
have a partner like mine)
I also got everybody elses input like you have and it really doesn't
matter what everyone else thinks do as you please be happy.
It all comes down to you and your partner.
2006-06-26 13:05:27 · answer #8 · answered by Sara 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The most important thing here is if you and your husband want kids. Forget about what your or his parents think you should do. Its your life! Live it like you want to live it. So are you read for kids? Ask yourself.
2006-06-26 12:58:07 · answer #9 · answered by EMK 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have children when and only when you and your husband are ready to have them and can financially and emotionally support them. My wife and I have only been married for 8 months, and my family is similarly nagging us about having kids. Unless they are being belligerent about it, it's just something you have to deal with if one or both of your families are very family oriented.
2006-06-26 12:59:12 · answer #10 · answered by cynicusprime 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋