how do i forgive my mother and stop arguing with her?

Question

my grandad died in october, my dad moved to america in december and my aunt died in february and she was my best friend. i have 2 dogs and live with my mum and younger sister. when my aunt died they asked me to look after the dogs while they sorted everything out, where my aunt lived (400 miles away). after the cremation my mum told me the family had written letters and put them in the coffin as a goodbye, only nobody told so i didn't get a chance to. since my aunts funeral ive done everything i can to push everyone in my life away from me. i know when im doing it but i just cant stop. i dont want to push anyone else away but i really cant stop. x

Answer 1

Then find a reason to get closer to them... Tell them all your feelings...

Answer 2

You are grieving sweetheart, and you will do for a long time to come. When my mum died it was so sudden and although I was with her when she died there were so many things I wanted to ask her and I didn't get the chance. I have carried on but I really needed an answer from my mum only she knew the truth. I know you will think I am daft, what I did was I went to my mums grave and I had already wrote the question on a piece of paper. I had also brought an helium filled balloon, I tied my question onto the string and let it go above the headstone on mums grave. I poured my heart out on that piece of paper. I felt instantly better and that I could move on.. try it sweetheart, you will be happy again I promise don't be too hard on your mum what ever her reasons look after you beauty take care a big keep you safe hug comes with this answer ...xx

Answer 3

You have had to come to terms with so much and jet you havent, everything is holding you back including yourself as you may not of been ready to let go. And yes you should of been told about the letters, your mother should of said something but maybe her greif had a hold and she couldnt. What ever the reason it was done and there is no turning back as you are so painfully aware. But there maybe a way to move forward.Saying good bye to your aunt, i know the letter was inportant to you and you can still do that. Write down the things you want her to know and the good bye then go to her and take the letter. Read it out to her and either burey it or burn it both ways are good she will get your note, you just have to believe.I know its far but if you can make it go to church, but the journey would be good for you. A chance to journey forward in your life once more without all the pain.Are the dogs yr aunts if so theres another connection you have.Your mother does she know what she did and has she tried to talk to you about it? maybe you feel that time has put too much anger inside you and you cant speak ,if so then write that down to and post the letter, be honest and say everything but not in a crule manner. You want to move on and that would set you back. Or even the phone ask her to listen to something that you have been meaning to say for a long time. And if you do call practice what you want to say so you have no regets at leaving something out, talk in a quite voice so she has to listen and dont worry about tears, maybe she needs to hear your pain also.If everything goes wrong and you cant move forward please get help, after everything you deserve a chance at life we all do.Take care i wish you well.

Answer 4

Your mum should have told you about the letter writing, so you could have done the same. But if your mum didn't know until it was too late... that is different.
Your mum is older & wiser than you, and due to her losses, she does know how you are feeling right now, despite what you may think yourself.
Its only natural to push others away. You don't want to get close to anyone incase they die or leave you. This won't last forever.
Phone your mum and explain how your feeling. Have a heart-to-heart. You need people around you at this time or you will invert into yourself and find it hard to get back to the happy person you were before all this happened.
Maybe speak to a counsellor about your grief. It can only help you afterall...

Answer 5

Forgiveness is a 2 way street. It is something two people share. It's not just a gift for one peron to bestow upon another person. Hopefully your mom is going to do her part to contribute to stop arguing and bring peace and understand that she has done something to you, and you are trying to find forgiveness. If she sees nothing wrong on her part, the arguing may continue. I am sorry that you didn't put a letter of your own in the coffin. Just remember in the future that it is a custom at funerals to put letters, photos and personal items into the coffin. I have even seen people put in packs of cigarettes, stuffed bears, Spongebob.... Just know that people often do this for their own expressions of goodbye. That is what funerals are for. They are not really for the deceased - they are for the mourning ones still alive who are saying goodbye. You probably feel cheated out of part of that, and your mom needs to understand that. You can always go to your aunt's grave with a special candle or flower, and read there to her alone a letter of yours to her. It might make you feel better. You may even feel like talking to the rest of your family at some point after. My cat died last year and I STILL cry whenever I think of him. Even now.

Answer 6

Death is just one moment. The lingering pain comes as a result of the permanent absence of the person whom you have loved. There is a hole in your soul and only you will find the way to heal in your own way
Your whole famly is struggling in the same way. Comforting someone else is for some people is impossible until they can begin to replenish the depths of that hollow grieving within themselves. Withdrawing from their pain is, in a way self protection.
Forgiveness can be just too much to give, so start in small ways. If forgiveness is just not possible for you, then the nearest next best thing is UNDERSTANDING. It may help you to have calmer thoughts and be gentler on your Mum.
Go and be counselled. To pour your heart and soul out privately and be unjudged but guided. is just so healing. Be good to your self, eat well, and rest. Take care sweetheart... you ARE LOVED.

Answer 7

You feel like you were betrayed because they didn't tell you about the letters. It's not your fault you didn't write one-they didn't tell you after all.I don't know why they did this to you (on purpose or just plain thoughtlessness) but still you'll need to forgive them-letting go of the anger will make you feel better.Your aunt (your best friend) knows you love her & would have wrote a letter too, you just didn't know, forgive yourself too.It's not your fault.You lost your best friend - but you know what you need to do now? Find yourself anothet best friend...It might be hard but you've got to do it... You need someone to bring some sunshine in your life! bye bye & good luck

Answer 8

u are angry because u didnt get the chance to write your letter and i dont blame u. sit down with your mum and tell her how u really feel about it. she might not have realized how important this is to u and how u are feeling. tell her and help her to understand. it will get it off your chest. also, i suggest you write the letter and put it away in a special place for your aunt. it doesnt matter that its not with her, all that matters is u get the chance to say how u loved her etc. she knows anyway but by writing it and keeping it, u will feel better for doing it. best wishes and im sorry for your losses, especially your aunt.

Answer 9

You have lost people dear to you and it hurts. You are protecting yourself from being hurt again by putting the distance. It is part of your grief and it will take time try talking to your mum and tell her how you feel. Please try and find a way as one day you may regret it if you don`t try.

Answer 10

First of all bereavement affects people in different ways. Have you tried bereavement counselling. Try and sit down with your mother and talk things through with her and try to explain how you feel and that she isn't the only person who has lost loved ones.

Answer 11

The question is, 'Why'? what is the point and purpose of doing what you say you are doing.

Maybe you want someone to 'push back,' to fight for what's in you that you refuse to give!

It might be of use to find professional help, before things go to far and you find 'that you have no one left to push away.'

Think about it.
Sash.