anyone have any good jokes???? funniest joke gets 10 points!!!?

Question

it's all rainy outside and it's depressing lol...i need a good laugh

Answer 1

two hunters in a forest, one hunter's eyes roll back and he falls to the ground. the other hunter calls 911 and says "help! i think my partner just died!" so the lady says "alright, lets make sure he'd dead." the hunter says "okay" , a pause, and then a shot is heard. he comes back to the phone and says "now what?"

Answer 2

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

Answer 3

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.
"Meow," says the redhead.

"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.

"Woof," says the brunette.

"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.

"Potatoes," says the blonde.

Answer 4

Hope you not Blonde....

Blonde on the Run

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.
"Meow," says the redhead.

"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.

"Woof," says the brunette.

"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.

"Potatoes," says the blonde.

Answer 5

What's more dangerous than a pit bull with AIDS?

The guy who gave it to him.

How do you keep a WASP from charging?

Divorce her.

This black guy walks into a china shop and sees an Asian guy throwing a fork at the plates, He asks, "Why are you throwing a fork at those plates?" The Asian guy says, "This is a magic fork, every time I throw it, it says the name of one of my ancestors." Skeptically, the black guy says, "Allright, let's see it," So the Asian throws the fork and it bounces of some of the plates:

Ching-Ting-Chang-Chong.

"That's amazing!" the black guy says, "Do it again." So the Asian throws the fork again and it bounces off some plates:

Ping-Tang-Chong-Son

"Let me try that," the black guy said, and he grabbed the fork and threw it at some plates:

Dum-Chim-Pan-Zee

And if you aren't offended yet, rent 'The Aristocrats' Funniest movie ever.

Answer 6

This blonde had a boyfriend and she found out he was cheating on her so she went to a store and bought a gun. She went to his apartment and saw him with another girl. So she loaded the gun and put it to her head. he yelled dont do it! she said shut up! your next!

A blonde a burnette and a red head are walking thorugh the woods when they come a upon a pair of tracks. the blonde says they are duck tracks. the burnette says they are bear tracks. the read head says they are deer tracks... then the train hits them.

why did the blonde have tire tracks on her back? from crossing the road when it says dont WALK

Answer 7

Man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting at a table alone, nursing a whiskey depressedly with lots of empty glasses scattered everywhere. He sits down opposite him and says: "Why are you looking so down? You've never been much of a drinker."
"You won't believe this. 3 months ago, my mom died. She left me $10000."
"That's tough, dude. I know you were close to your mom."
"Hold on- that's not all! 2months ago, my DAD died.He left me $12000"
"Aw, man. You're depressing me too. That's really rough. Two family members in two months."
"Wait- I'm not done! LAST month, my AUNT died. She left me $5000!!"
"Dude- I'm buying the next round! Now I understand why you're so down in the dumps."
"Here's the kicker! This month- nothing!!"

Answer 8

It's all rainy outside?

Are you living right beside a beach?

Well then, get an umbrella and go to the nearest beach! It shoudln't be raining there!

Answer 9

Birthday Present
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Dave."

Answer 10

Why does the new Polish Navy have all Glass Bottom Boats?

To see the Old Polish Navy.

Answer 11

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?









He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.