my daugthers father is a drug user i was with him for 10 years, and was a drug user myself until i got pregnat. I quit for her and i expected him to do the same. But after 3 years of waiting and his drug use got worse, plus he threatened to hurt me in front of our daughter while high on drugs, i gave up and got custody papers written up where i have full custody, and he has to do 6 consecutive months of clean drug testing before he can see his daughter. I let him talk to her on the phone but that is it. Lately though she has been wanting to see him and i try to explain to her, but she is only 4 and dosnt understand why she cant see her dad. I am keeping her from her dad till he is clean, but its hurting her not to be able to see him at all, is this the right thing to do?
2006-06-26 08:30:57 · 34 answers · asked by jo_leef 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
I deal with this stuff all the time. I work in social work and I have seen so many mothers do the same and start feeling bad and letting the father (or mother) take the child for the weekend or something and something bad happen. A lot of times a drug user would never intentionally hurt their child, but they obviously make very poor decisions. If he loves her he will stop for her. If he doesn't, then he doesn't deserve the time with her. Your child's safety is number one! She will understand someday, but until then, you have to step up and be the strong parent she needs! Good luck and don't give up!
2006-06-26 08:39:02 · answer #1 · answered by #3ontheway! 4 · 8⤊ 1⤋
Unless and until he can prove himself to be clean, he can't even begin to be a positive figure in her life. As a user, he clearly doesn't sound fit to be in her life. If you're comfortable doing so, you might want to explain to her that her daddy has been sick and he's trying very hard to get better so he can be a good dad to her again. The hurt she's feeling now would be nothing compared to the lifelong hurt of having a using, abusing father. Stay strong, you're doing the right thing and giving your ex a strong message that his behavior will NOT be tolerated. That's a lesson he has to learn and abide by.
2006-06-26 08:53:53 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, you are doing the right thing for your daughter. It is hard because she's young and doesn't understand, no matter how you explain it to her. Think of it this way, one day when she is old enough to understand, she will thank you for being a caring and protective mom, and for being so unselfish by getting yourself cleaned up. Stick to your guns, not only for your daughter's sake but also for her father's. What message will it send him if you allow him to see her before he has completed his 6 months of clean tests? He will think if he gets the daughter to beg and cry about it enough, you will give in and he can see his daughter whenever, sober or high, peaceful or violent. No, you have to finish the 6 months of testing, it's the best thing for everyone involved. Good luck.
2006-06-26 08:42:16 · answer #3 · answered by disneychick 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I dont think its wrong for you to want him to get drug tested because you are only doing whats right for your daughters safety. Many things could happen if she is visiting him and he is on drugs... Also remember that with any addiction its very hard to get over. He's struggling with addiction but if he wants the help and is actually trying to overcome his addiction then I would definitely let him see her because he is trying and you shouldnt keep her away, she may grow to resent it. But anyway I totally agree with you I think you should do whats in the best interests for your child. Or have supervised visits with someone you can trust. Dont by any means let her alone with him for a while until you know you can trust him because if he threatened to hurt you while on drugs he could do the same to her. I honestly cant blame you for wanting him clean before your daughter can see him
2006-06-26 08:36:43 · answer #4 · answered by hearts_bleed_dark 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are doing this to protect your daughter, I think it is great. If you are doing it as a control tactic, that is wrong. BTW - unless you are making him test for drugs every 3-4 days (depending on drug) he can beat it. Your daughter wants to see her Daddy and is now hurting. From your question, it seems that you need affirmation that what you are doing is right. It is and it isn't. It is because your daughter shouldn't be exposed to that. However, she wants to see her dad. Maybe you could arrange for supervised visitation. With a neutral party that will not antagonize (by mere presence) him. Good luck to you and I do commend you even though it may not come across as such. FYI - my ex is my ex because he got on drugs and I refused to allow that in my life or live that lifestyle. He is now awaiting trial and prison.
2006-06-26 08:45:54 · answer #5 · answered by Redneck-n-happy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I understand, been through the almost same thing, it's good that you don't want your daughter to see her Father high on drugs. Yes I feel you are doing the right thing. Then later in her life you can explain to her if it ever comes up. Good Luck!
2006-06-26 10:39:20 · answer #6 · answered by Lil Red 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I understand completely what you are going through. well maybe not you but your daughter. i didnt meet my dad till i was 10. that was because of his choices. it is the same way with her dad. it was his stupid choices to let drugs get in the way. 6 months isnt that long. keep telling her why and tell her the truth. sometimes learning these things at a young age helps them to stay away from things. all you are doing is protecting your daughter and thats all you need to be doing when it comes to him. and iff you are a beliver in Christ, He will help you and your daughter to go where you need to be.
2006-06-26 08:50:51 · answer #7 · answered by Andi 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can check with your local Social Services or Women's Advocacy Centre and have a supervised visit at their office with you present or a representative with the organization. At this point I wouldn't suggest visitation in your home. You need a mediator if you are fearful of your child's father. If that fails, you are right to have him checked for drugs for the 6 months and if that doesn't go well, keep extending it until he does actually quits.
2006-06-26 08:40:13 · answer #8 · answered by jadedgreen 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am from a similar background. My sons father is a Heroin addict. Went so far as to spend all of our money and we had to sleep in a car for the summer. Not counting the abuse, physical and mental.
I do not disagree at all with your choice. Your daughter will understand your decision when she gets older. Do not second guess doing the RIGHT thing.
Have a Nice Day :)
2006-06-26 08:34:11 · answer #9 · answered by tautestvenus4 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sure, he should have a drug test if you feel that he might put the child in danger by being an unfit parent.
Make sure the court knows about this drug testing that way if he is not obeying and taking drugs, they can remove his custody of the child later on.
your child will understand later in her life, protect her as best as you can. I mean think about it would you really leave your precious daughter in the hands of a drug addict, father or not.
2006-06-26 08:32:37 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋