How do you tell your grown children it is time to stop trying to punish you for their childhood problems ?

Question

My 2 daughters are unhappy with themselves and blame all their problems on me raising them by myself. Their dad left us for another woman. They are 44 and 45 yrs old. I made mistakes, I was a young mother. They never stop blaming me for everything that goes wrong in their lives!

Answer 1

You may have made mistakes, sometimes critically important mistakes, that wounded your children in some way. Most parents, even under the best conditions, will make such a mistake at least once during their childrens' lives.

However, your children are middle-aged now; they need to own whatever happened to them, accept that what is done is done, heal their wounds the best they can, and take responsibility for providing themselves and their children with a better life than perhaps you were able to provide for them when they were small.

You need to tell them that if they expect to have any happiness or success in their lives at all, they have to quit blaming you and start taking responsibility for their own lives now. There's nothing you can do to undo whatever hurt they experienced as children; but there is also nothing you can do to undo whatever hurt they're experiencing in their adult lives...because it's NOT your job. If they expect to have any happiness in their lives at all, they're going to have to work on themselves and do what they need to do for themselves to have a better life.

Until then, ignore their accusations. They are just guilting you to take the spotlight off their own failures as adults to cope.

Answer 2

My mother in law is going through this right now. Both her sons literally attacked her with it yesterday. Like she said, she can't win either way. But what I told my husband is that no matter what happened when he was a kid, the mistakes he made after he was out on his own have absolutely nothing to do with her. They were his fault not hers. Now that my husband is a parent he's finally learning to appreciate what his mom went through. Most people don't realize that while a mother is trying to take care of her kids, she's also trying to deal with things in her own life, and most of the time spreading herself thin. I think your kids just need to realize that their time growing up was just as hard on you. Maybe then they'll learn to appreciate what you did for them, and stop trying to punish you. No one's perfect, and the fact that you were a single mother says alot. It shows that you're a strong woman, and I admire that. I was a single mom with my first son till I met my husband, and can honestly say I never would've made it totally raising him on my own for longer than the three years that I did raise him on my own. You need to try and make them see that everything you did were done with the best of intentions. Although things may not have gone the way you wanted, you always wanted the best for them. At 44 and 45, they need to grow up and start acting like adults and look inside themselves for the reasons they had problems rather than blame it all on you. I wish you the best. Good luck.

Answer 3

that is not fair to you at all. you said that your two daughter were 44 and 45 years old. which means they should be old enough to know better to blame all their problems on you. that is not your fault at all. everyone makes their own decisions for themselves. you raised the best you could, by yourself. i mean it is absolutely unacceptable to blame you for having to raise them by yourself. their dad left your family and you had nothing to do with it. so what your daughters are doing is very irresponible and immature. you did your best. it wasn't your fault. your daughters need to get over themselves and move on. because they are in the wrong and you aren't. just tell your daughters this. and then see what happens after that. best of wishes!

Answer 4

Apparently neither one of your daughters has thanked you for raising them all by yourself. I'd say you did a great job for not bailing on them like their father did. Sounds like they may have unresolved issues with their father that are being taken out on you. I hope you're not blaming yourself for whatever shortcomings your daughters are accusing you of. We all make mistakes raising our kids. They didn't come home from the hospital with instruction manuals! Time to get on with life and get over whatever the past was. And don't beat yourself up whatever they're telling you!! If you want to "vent", e-mail me and we'll "vent" together!! Hang in there!

Answer 5

Its time for them to grow up and move on because they are the adults now and its up to them to make the best of their lives not you.... you did your best and they will have to do their best with what they have and hopefully they will understand that you tried to make life as best as possible under your circumstances.
Have a wee talk with them one night and stress that you love them and want them to know you tried to do your best even though there have been times where you made mistakes... be real with them. That is all you can do. Accept mistakes and learn from them.... tell them that you wanted them to know that.

Answer 6

Tell them they are more than old enough to now take responsibility for their own lives. If they thought you did such a terrible job, they should just strive to do better, not wallow in self pity and blame.

Answer 7

44 and 45?? Tell them to read this...:

Grow up and get on with your life!

Answer 8

will that's their problems and dang how old did u have them 4 rely will tell them to act their age and do they have kids to if they don't will they have to get land i think that's why they act like Lil kids. so larders have a good day now.

Answer 9

"Shut up and quit being little brats! It's your duty in life to make YOU happy, not me, so get over it. You're nearly fifty, for goodness' sakes!"