please tell me some funny jokes, nothing inapropriate please.?

Answer 1

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, Beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00

"Why so little,"she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I have to tell you first that this bird has lived in a House of Prostitution for the past twenty years and sometimes it says some pretty tough stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided at that price she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home, hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, turned his head to one side and said, "New house, new Madam." The woman was a bit offended at the implication, but then Thought, "Well, that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new Madam, new girls". The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then they began to laugh about the comments considering how and where the parrot had been living for the past twenty years.

Moments later, the woman's husband Frank came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Frank."

Answer 2

ok here goes

There was a mother of these 2 very mean lil boys, she hears about this Preacher thats had alot of success turning mean lil boys around so she calls on him, the Preacher comes to the house and decides to start with the youngest so seating the boy across from him he points his finger at the lil boy and bellows out "Do you know where Jesus is?", the lil boy was afraid to answer him, the Preacher then stands , points his finger and belts out in his best sermon voice "Boy Do You Know Where Jesus Is?" with that the lil boy jumps up runs out the room into his bedroom with his big brother and runs in the closet to hide. The older brother sensing somethings wrong runs in the closet behind him they were both breathing all hard and shaking, the Big brother says "whats wrong with you?" the lil brother starts crying and replies " oh brother this time we are in BIG trouble, Jesus is missing and they think we've done it?"

Answer 3

OK there was a blond, a brunette , and a red head , they were running from these guys trying to kill them so they ran past a barn and there were 3 empty potato sacks so the brunette said OK lets get in these and when they come by act like an animal or SOMETHING, so the guys came by and kicked on the bag with the brunette in it and she went meow then they kicked on the bag with the red head in it and she went ruff ruff then they kicked the one with the blond in it and she went POTATOES!!! and i think you know what happens next!!!

Answer 4

Two young boys were discussing their parents,
when one realized he really knew very little
about his mother. Arriving home that evening,
he gave her a third degree examination.

"How old are you?" he asked.

"None of your business," replied his mother,
shortly.

"Okay, then how much do you weigh?"

"That's not your business either, young man."


The boy thinks a minute then delivers his final
bombshell. "Well then, can you tell me why you
and daddy got divorced?"

Shocked and appalled, mom sends junior to bed
without supper.

The next day, the kid reports his failure to
his schoolmate. "I know!" says his buddy, "Just
look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll
tell you everything you want to know."

Later that day, mom finds her son next to her
disemboweled purse, holding her driver's license.
"Just what the heck do you think you are doing?"
she yells. "Well, you wouldn't tell me what I
wanted to know," says the junior detective, "but
my friend said it's all right here. See, you're
40 years old...you weigh 145 pounds...and daddy
divorced you because you got an 'F' in Sex."

Answer 5

there was a relator who was walking down a prospective buyer though a house

and he walked through the house noting down the colors that his buyer wanted

the first room the woman said a light yellow, he noted it and then yelled out the window "green side up!"

curious the woman walked into the next room deciding it wasn't her problem

in the next room she wanted a blue not too deep but not light, he again noted it and then again yelled out the window "green side up!"

even more curious thistiem she just decided it wasn't her buissness then walked into the next room

she wanted this one pink with floral wall paper on the bottem, and watched as he again noted it and yelled out the window again "green side up!"

finally curiousity got the better of her and she asked- why do you keep doing that?

the man answered back i have a crew of blondes on the other side of the street tring to lay grass.

( this joke is really funny to people when i tell it to them considering i'm blonde myself)

Answer 6

A man and his wife are at the Chinese restaurant. The waiter brings their order in a metal pot. As the wife reaches out to raise the lid, it raises by itself, and two beady eyes look out at her. Then it closes. The wife yells, "Did you see that?!" to her husband. He looks, and the lid raises again, and two beady eyes look out, then the lid lowers again.
"Waiter! There's something in our dinner pot!" the husband yells.
The waiter comes over. "What did you order, Sir?" he asks.
"The chicken surprise," the man replies.
"Oh, well then, you got the wrong order," the waiter says as he removes the pot. "This is the peeking duck."

Answer 7

ok, here goes......little timmy woke up late one night and went to his mothers room, her door was locked so he looked through the key hole, all of a sudden he jumped back and said, damn, she got a lot of nerve, always telling me to stop putting things in my mouth, ha ha ha, get it

Answer 8

ok sorry this is kinda stupid but my brother wants me to say this joke:
there are 2 muffins in an oven, one muffin says to the other muffin "man its hot in here", and the other muffin screams "ahhh a talking muffin!!!"

(again im sorry it is so stupid)

Answer 9

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"





On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"




An old man sitting in the park on a bench is stoping passers by and asking, "Do you know how old I am?"; "Do you know how old I am?". First he asks a young woman and she says "I have no idea; How old are you?" He says, "I'm 99 and a half years old".
"well congratulations sir" she says and passes by. Next comes a man. "Do you know how old I am?" he asks. "Well, sir, I have no idea." says the man. "How old are you?" The old man syas proudly, "I'm 99 and a half years old!". "Congratulations says the man and he passes by. Well this goes on for a time and finally an old woman is passing by and again the old man asks, "Do you know how old I am?", but the little old lady walks over to him sticks her hand down the front of his pants and feels around for a bit, then says, "You're 99 and a half years old!". Stunned the old man asks, "How did you know?".
The little old woman replies, "I heard you tell that guy that just walked past




A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely
quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

"The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound blond with a black belt in karate. What's more, the guy sitting next to me is 6'2," weighs 225 pounds, and he's a blond weight lifter." He continues, "The fella to your right is blond, 6'5" and pushing 300 pounds, and he's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.



Two couples were paying poker one evening. Paul accidentally dropped
some
cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up,
he
noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress !

Shocked by this, Paul upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on
The table and emerged red-faced. Later, Paul went to the kitchen to get some
refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that
you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, Paul courageously admitted that, well indeed
he did.
She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, Paul confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her
husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as Paul doesn't, he should be
at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Paul showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m.
sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed Paul then quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the
house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did Paul come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a
Few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did
He give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering
Her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
"Good, I was hoping he did. Paul came by the office this morning and
borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
afternoon
on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

Answer 10

What do you call a cow with no legs???



Ground Beef.. my son told me this ...