How does one remain emotionally detached when child is having a tantrum/obnoxious whining/being unreasonable?

Answer 1

You don't. But you don't get hysterical yourself and add to the child's distress...

Answer 2

Walk away. I have a 4 1/2 year old that is in a stage of horrible tantrums. Make sure your child is safe and walk away. I tell her, "I will not listen to you when you scream/whine/yell/(insert other unacceptable behavior). When you are ready to use big girl words and talk to me I will listen." I say this calmly and then walk away. Some days she is very reasonable and it only takes a few seconds. Some days she is really worked up and it will take a few minutes. However, once she has calmed down I can usually get to the root of the problem and we can work something out. And yes, I have let her throw a fit in a store. If the fit was too bad, I have picked her up and walked out of the store leaving my basket where it was.

For me, my daughter gets that what usually for one of two reasons, she wants my attention which I won't reward her with or she is tired at which point there may be nothing you can really do but tough it out until bed/nap time.

Answer 3

You don't. Your emotional connection with the child mustn't get switched on and off at will, it is there, whatever. However, it is possible to give the impression of being completely unmoved by it all and absorbed in some activity that doesn't involve the child. You ensure that the child is safe in its environment and then ignore it. Your stomach will probably be in knots and your hands are itching to deliver a stinging slap to the child's legs, but hitting a child only gives the message that violence is an acceptable means of negotiation - and nobody wants their child to grow up believing, or practicing, that. Before involving yourself in some innocuous activity, take a moment to give the child a clear and powerful message such as "WHEN you are quiet and can behave properly, we can talk about what it is you want" - delivered with a straight and stern (but not aggressive) face. Then turn your back and get busy, ignoring and excluding the child.

When the child quietens, you must immediately reward them with your attention and with a glad smiling face, tell them how good they are being for stopping the fuss. Give them a cuddle and then, looking them in the eye, tell them that their behaviour was not good, but now that they are quiet, either discuss what they wanted or divert them onto some interesting activity intended to encourage them to forget what they had the paddy about in the first place.

So, basically, wrong behaviour gains no attention (reward).
Correct behaviour gains loving attention. Keep that consistent and you're home and hosed. :)

Answer 4

You must realise that you do not love your child less by not responding to tantrums, and that in the long run it is by recognising the boundaries of acceptable and unacceptable behaviour that a child learns how to behave and interact. If you are admonishing your child, do it in a calm, reasoned voice, and do it at eye level. On no account become angry, and conversely becoming emotional and teary will result in your child recognising that they in some sense can control you. It's a difficult journey. I'm a single father and have an eight year old son who is well aware of the fact that he is loved, but also knows what constitutes unacceptable behaviour. No matter how well behaved your child is, he/she will always push the boundaries to find out how far they can be pushed. And most of us don't stop when we become adults! Good luck, and stay calm.

Answer 5

That's a difficult situation to deal with, however, bottom line - no matter what the age, our children put us to the ultimate "how far can I go" test. Of course in this day with people constanting watching parents' every move, it makes our job even MORE difficult. Just try your best to ignore it. If you're home, that's not a big deal, easy to do. If you're out and about, that's trickier, but give a firm warning (and VERY importantly, don't use threats/warnings that you won't follow through with, otherwise, forget it, your child will walk all over you) and then if the child refuses to listen, you MUST follow through even if it mean leaving a store or restaurant. After a few times, the child will come to understand what you will and won't accept. Stand your ground and good luck. :)

Answer 6

EXCELLENT question. they should teach this at the hospital before you leave to go home with your kid.

other folks have also given great responses. i don't agree with hitting a child - that just teaches them that hitting is ok.

the first thing to realize is that your own emotions are being triggered. as soon as that happens, you take the opportunity to close your eyes and take a deep deep breath, let it out slow, you know, do those things you normally do when it's someone idiotic pissing you off. but that half second when you realize you're getting mad is critical - that's your gift as an adult, you can decide how you're going to respond. kids usually can't.

work out your own responses, your own "script." do this before the tantrum hits, because by now you can probably predict them, and if you can't, work on this.

when i find myself getting frustrated, i take a step back, breathe, and try and remember what my next "line" is. it gives me a little room to work without being completely frozen by my own emotional reaction. don't DO anything until you've figured out how you want to handle it. it's ok to let a kid freak out for a few seconds while you let your left brain kick in and help solve the problem. go ahead and ask yourself the question, "where do i go from here?" if you can get your brain functioning past the emotional distress, you're in a much better place than you were thirty seconds before. i promise you, the answer will come. just try to stay open and listen for it.

yeah, i know, we're the parents, i know, and we're supposed to be calm, cool and collected. but i can have an awful temper myself when i'm tired or hungry, and i've found i just have to work with what i've got. kinda part of being human. our kids, hopefully, make us better people. i know mine has. and i have to say i deeply respect your honesty in asking this question.

good luck.

Answer 7

Its really hard to stay calm and detached when they are being unreasonable.. Best thing for you and the child is to have a time out anywhere it happens. It can be very embrassing if it happens at a friends house or out in public. Remove yourself and the child right away.. IF it happens at the store Leave the store put your cart near customer svc and go to the car and place child in their car seat. Close door and Wait it out. Say to the child once you calm down we will go back inside. It helps to say what is going to happen if they dont behave.. like if they are throwing a fit over a toy say if you dont stop crying We are going to leave if you cant share.. be clear on what is going to happen .. might have to repeat yourself especially if under three.. used to help if i could put how they felt into words for them...Max mad? Mad angry? they sometimes have a hard time putting it into words at a young age so by showing them you know they are mad that you understand they do calm down important to tell them you want them to stop now and mean it.

Answer 8

The child is attention-seeking. There was recently an advert on tv where the frazzled mother responds to her son's paddy-rumpus in the supermarket, by lying down on the floor and having a kicky-screamfeast herself! The little boy looks shocked, and shuts up his demand for something from the shelf... Just an advert, but still a sound response to the problem.

Answer 9

Its not about being emotionally detached, its about being in control of your emotions. You are the parent, they are the child, you control the situation. You set the limits for acceptable behavior, if the child crosses that line, then put them in time out and explain to them the proper behavior. But be firm.

Answer 10

Simply leave the room or try to start a different activity pretending you are totally absorbed in it. Mind you my Granny splashed a glass of water into my face when I was having a tantrum wriggling about on the floor at the age of about 5. That was my first and last ever attempt. :)

Answer 11

when the child is having a fit and u r at home and the child is not getting hurt just walk away and go into another room if you are in pubic u and the child take a time-out together in the restroom this is what i did or just go home and get a friend to keep the child the next time and tell the child because they didn't behave they cant go this time (worked for me)