I want to laugh.Who can make me laugh??

Question

First one to make me laugh gets the 10.
=)

Answer 1

~~ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 1265-
CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY~~

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused when On the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the Driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the Man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said: "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign That said: "Logan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then She placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...I just lost it."

~~"CASE DISMISSED!!"~~

Answer 2

Someone in my class told me this.
I'm sorry if you support Bush but............anyways.

Bush was stranded on an island and a genie came to him and said,"You have two wishes. What is your first wish?" Bush said,"I wish I was back in the White House." Poof...He was in the White House. The genie said," What is your second wish?" Then Bush said," I Wish my people were happy." Poof...He was back at the island.



Here is another George Bush joke:


George Bush was teaching a 3rd grade spelling class. He said they were going to be learning the word " tragedy " He asked is anyone could give an example of a tragedy. One boy raised his hand and said a school bus filled with kids that blew up would be a tragedy, but george said " no that would be a bad accident" one girl raised her hand and said " a guy that fell off a cliff would be a tragedy" but george said no that would be suicide. Then proudly this other little boy raised his hand his hand and said " a plane that had you and your wife in it and it crashed would be a tragedy" and george said Yes that would be a tragedy. can you tell me why? the boy said it wouldnt be a bad accident and it wouldnt be suicide either.


Sorry If you are a Blonde.This is a Blonde joke:

A Brunette goes to this Blonde's house. The Brunette walked out in the backyard and saw the Blonde's dog. She walk back in the house and says,"why is your dog wearing a watch?" The blonde answers back," It is supposed to wear a watch because it's a watchdog."

This is another Blonde joke:

There is a blonde who gets pulled over by a blonde police.The cop asks for her license..the Blonde looks through her purse..and asks what does it look like, the cop says its a rectangular thing you can see yourself in..so the blonde looks through her purse again and pulls out a mirror looks in it and shows it to the cop..the cop says oh i didnt know you were a cop go on ahead.

Answer 3

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling
the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables,
were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.



The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found
only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.



As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least
we'll have a bit to eat."



The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.



They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.


Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing
more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:





IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

Answer 4

a little racism for you:
A white guy, black guy, and a mexican guy have just escaped from jail and they're hauling *** over this field cause tons of cops and dogs are chasing them. Then they suddenly stop cause the field ends only looking way down with a river full of crocodiles. Well, they can cross, but the bridge is broken and they don't want to go back to jail so they decide to swim for it. The white guy goes first, so he swims and swims but dies. Then the black guy goes, so he's swimming with all his strength, he's almost there, but a crocodile gets him. So the mexican dives in, he swims and swims and swims, and he makes it! He runs away free and the cops give up, but down below are two crocodiles chattng and chewing away. One says to the other, "Hey, how come you didn't go for the mexican?" The other anwsers, "Man, last time I ate one of those my a** burned for a week!" :D

Answer 5

Man to be perfectly honest I don't think I can top "smiley-cat" (that's where the 10 points should go) but this kinda funny! I was at the mall with a friend of mine it was an extremely hot summer day. The sun was just blinding! Anyway,he was wearing a Dallas Cowboy sun-visor. So he says to me "lets hurry up and get inside I don't want my head to burn!" With out thinking or even looking up I said "why would your head burn?" And his reply to that was "Can't you see this big *** hole in my hat? What do you say to a question like that?

Answer 6

A young Ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he is doing a show in a very small town.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee."

Answer 7

a guy walks into a bar carrying a paper bag. after a few drinks the bar tender asks him whats in the bag. so he pulls out this piano and a little man. the bar tender asks him where he got the little man and the man produces a lamp from his pocket. the bar tender rubs the lamp and asks the genie for a million bucks. all of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks and the bar tender says "what's wrong with this thing". the guy answers" you don't really think i asked for a twelve inch pianist"

Answer 8

The man went to a doctors office
the nurse asked him may I help you?

Yes! she said, just one moment.

She stepped into the other room and said
to the doctor, that there was a man out their
with a paper bag over his head.

The doctor said send him in.

After a wild the man came out with
the bag still over his head.

The nurse jumped up and asked what happened?

The Doctor said that if she had a pickel jammed in her *** hole she would have a bag over her head also.

Answer 9

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?"

Answer 10

Take your pick GC chick...I like them all !!

Think before you speak...




Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:


I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a ********?
b
l
o
w

j
o
b
(incase they bleep it !!)
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:


I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."


THIRD TESTIMONY:


My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY:


While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a
voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped
what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when
the door closed behind me,
were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:


Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up,
yanked down his pants,
bent over,
spread his cheeks
and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:


This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

SmileyCat : )