How do you deal with an aging parent?

Question

my mother is 75 and in fairly good health. We have continual communication problems. I have spent thousands of dollars to help her, she recently sold her home, I had spent money to have it put in show shape and when we took our part for the repairs (which she knew I had done) she acted like I was stealing from her no amount of cancelled checks can convince her..we have had several incidents like this.. I am an only child..she insists on doing things her way and gets very upset with my family , I have even asked her to go to family counseling..of course her reaction is there is nothing wrong with her..and money is not the only problem we have, its a daily encounter of something. I want to honor her but Im out of patience.
HELP

For the poster who suggested I need to spend money better..when your parents reach the age they cannot properly care for themselves finacially..it is your responsiblity to do so..my mothers income if just over the legal amount for medicaid if we had not intervented her home would not have sold for the amount it did.

Answer 1

Gee, my mom is 80 or so, and I have similar problems. The only thing that has helped me is reading the Crankshaft Cartoon in the newspaper. Seeing that the problem is not unique to my circumstance has enabled me to find some humor in it.

I think perhaps we can learnhow to be patient and not become hateful or angry by having to deal with these situations. I purpose in my heart not to expect my mom to do what I consider logical, or best for her, and condition myself to drop down into the "peace that passes understanding" whenever she refuses to keep track of her holdings. Sometimes it doesn't work, but I am worse off when I allow myself to get upset.

I have started to clean up my own affairs so that I don't do this to my own son as I age. Why, just a few weeks ago, I actually gave away 4 books! (lol) It seems really difficult to fight the process of becoming my mom.

Answer 2

I know the feeling, I am an only child to a mother that's 71, I had communication problems with my Mother for 40 years. I remember the day (five years ago) we laid down our swords. We promised each other to agree to disagree but to shut our mouths when it came to disagreeing.........because we knew where it would take us. If things started getting a little heated, I would just say "Mom, I love you........I have to go now." That helped a whole lot!!
As for your Mother accusing you of stealing money.....I would just tell her that you won't be accused of false accusations anymore and that if she continues to call you a thief you can't continue being her victim of abuse. There is no way to honor someone who is accusing you of stealing.......... I don't care who it is. Sometimes you have to be stand up for yourself and demand respect. Sounds like you would love to have a sweet relationship with Mom and you can........ with some hard work.

I am thankful for how my Mother and I get along, but it was hard work for awhile. Breaking old habits and tearing down walls and opening yourself up to new beginnings is a hard thing to do. Just see if she will work with you and forget counselling. Just tell her, "Mom, from this day forward, please let us not speak another unkind word to each other." Life is so short for all of us. We have to live for this day and support our loved ones and friends in this life. We have two promises..............we know that we will be born................and we know that we shall surely die. What we do in between helps us become better people and eases our burdens while we travel thru this life.

I would like the words on my head stone to say, "GOOD WIFE, MOTHER, DAUGHTER and FRIEND."

Answer 3

It's so hard to see our parents getting older. You are honoring her by taking care of her as she did for you as you were growing up.
There are a few things that seem to be coming into play. As you know, elderly people become forgetful, also alzheimers could be beginning. However, I think you would know if that was happening. The biggest thing with elderly people is that feeling of losing control. One of the hardest things for a senior citizen to give up is their house and their car. They feel as if they can't manage on their own any more. I worked in a nursing home and we advised many families to let their parents/grandparents keep the car in a parking space so that their loved one knew that they had it.............but don't ever give them a set of keys.
Might sound stupid but their is a lot pf pride and a sense of needing to remain independent involved. Plus, many senior citizens have been through hard times of depression etc. and those memories and fears seem to resurface as they become older. They go back into that frame of thinking. She is used to being the one in control of herself and you when you were little.
Remember that when dealing with her. She loves you. And I know you love her. It's a lot of stress and pressure on the family. Pray...........and I will pray for you.

Answer 4

If she is having problems remembering things it could be the onset of Alsheimers. They get frustrated because they can't remember things, then they get angry and confused. You need to talk with her Dr about it and have her checked. There are medications that will help. One of my aunts has Alsheimers and it started the same as what you're describing.

Good luck.

Answer 5

There isn't much you can do, unless you put her in a nursing home.

Or, you can suggest she move to an "Assisted Living" facility, where she can take care of hereself, but, still have professionals that will keep an eye on her. You can visit, without the stress.

Answer 6

seems in my opion there is nothing wrong with her but you need to know how to spend money better. my opion?