What's the best way to tell an aging parent that it's time to stop driving?

Question

Telling someone close to you it's time to give up the keys is a dilemma we'll all have to face some time in our lives.

Answer 1

Your state might have a "driving test" that you can ask them to take. This certainly made us feel better when "mom" passed this test.

You might have to get your parent's eye doctor to disquality them officially.

Answer 2

people over the age of 65, its a tough thing to admit that you are too old to drive. I love to drive and cannot ever see myself giving it up. I will say that as a 20 year retired firefighter older drivers do a lot more damage out there then the public knows. Some cause accidents and don't even realize it. When is the last time you were in Florida, in the fast lane of I-95, cruise set on 80 and come up on a bluehair doing 50 that won't move to the slow lane. The worse part is that they vote more then anyone else and the AARP is extremely strong, so doing anything political about this never ending problem would be political suicidefeel comfortable or safe any longer. I have heard the horror stories but they are the exception not the rule,many older drivers continue to be first rate and responsible. We must keep in mind these same people are seasoned adults and must be shown respect and compassion, not treated like children. We all get older that's just a part of life and should be seen as a reward not a punishment. Having options so that one does not feel a burden or dependent can really smooth the transition for older drivers. How we deal with this issue now could affect how we will be treated in the not to distant future. After Mom or Dad hang up the keys you best be available to take them where they need to go and be happy to do it.

Answer 3

THIS IS THE BEST ANSWER! READ ON!; You're not going to tell 'Em Anything ! See, even if You're 60, and Your Aging Parent is 90, in Their Mind, You're still Their "Child". That being the Case, Your Aging Parent is going to very much Resent taking "Orders" from You. Again,That being the Case, I would Suggest Contacting Your Local DMV Driver's License Examination Office. Explain the Situation. Find out if it is Legally Possible for the DMV to Mail a Letter to Your Aging Parent that an Examination is Now Required . The Problem may be when Your Aging Parent Asks Why. Perhaps a "Periodic Random Examination of Drivers over the Age of 75 [?] is Now Required". Also, does Your Aging Parent have any Recent Traffic Violations ? This could also be Justification for the Examination. See, if Your Aging Parent has Truly become an Unsafe Driver, a Detailed Examination will Reveal it. Perhaps, as a Compromise, a Daytime Only Driver's License can be Issued, with a Thorough, Comprehensive Annual Driver's License Exam Requirement. See, if Your Aging Parent Fails the Driving Test, as well as the Written Examination, which also should be Required, then You are Absolved of any Guilt Trip ! But, when Your Aging Parent needs to get Groceries, go to a Medical Appt., Etc. You are going to become the "Gopher"! It will be a whole lot Easier when a "Higher Authority" Lays Down the Law !

Answer 4

First, be ready to accept the fact, that even if the parent is included in the decision making process, you will always be the bad guy that took away the keys. If you can live with the barage of guilt trips and angry remarks -- you're already half-way home.

It can also be a whole lot easier if all siblings show a united front. Let's face it, not all senior drivers are the same. For some, it's a vision problem. For others it's a reaction-time problem. All parties need to take a ride with Mom or Dad so that all family members know and understand what's going on. Many a parent has pit sibling against sibling with the sole thought of not surrending those keys.

A doctor can also be helpful, but when all is said and done, sometimes it just requires a "tough love" approach. They have to be told that you don't want them driving because you would hate for them to get into an accident where they get hurt or worse, hurt or kill someone else.

Many senior drivers have already cut back on their driving, but unfortunately, the driving that they do is often the most dangerous to them and others. Backing out of that parking spot at the grocery store and not seeing other people coming and going is a very common event.

But just taking away the keys is not the total answer. Before that happens, alternative transportation has to be secured, especially if they are outgoing independent seniors. Many cities have low cost senior transportation available. While outings now have to be arranged 24 hours in advance, they can still maintain independence. Ofcourse, any driving that can be done by the children or grandchildren is always appreciated when it's done with love and not out of guilt.

Answer 5

This is a very tough one indeed. The answer is very tricky, because by the time a family has decided it's a problem, it is usually because of the elder's impaired reasoning capability. So, reasoning with the elder isn't as effective as if the issue were eye-sight, or some other physical impairment. Still, if a family can have the family physician be the messenger, I've found that most effective. The physician can even apply a motorskills test and let the results determine the outcome.

Be forewarned. Families have to be prepared to make adjustments once that freedom of mobility has been denied. The best way is for the elder to live in a community that provides outings. Next best thing, to keep peace in the family, regularly scheduled outings for the elder work for the whole family. Wednesday is grocery day. Every other Saturday is mall day, etc.

If at all possible, weening the elder off of driving instead of cold turkey, is effective. This gives them a chance to see that the scheduling thing works.

Good luck.

Answer 6

You are so right in saying that we will all be faced with that dilemma one of these days. I am 55 and know my day will come. I would try to be gentle but to the point. I have experienced being behind an elderly person and I can tell you from experience that they can be a hazard on the road. I think they feel if you take that away from them that it is just more thing that they are unable to do. In the long run you will doing them a favor for themselves and people around them.

How to tell them might be a problem. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to do that. Either way they might feel hurt. However, I agree with a lot of people here in saying that a note from the Dr. might be a good way. I also think that the motor vehicles must step in and set an age limit. They should also have to take a periodic driving test. I think some of the responsibility should lie on motor vehicles. After all they are the ones that determine whether we get our licensee or not so they should be the ones to determine when we can no longer have our licens.

Answer 7

I have recently been going through many issues with my parents. I'm 36 years old I have a mother that is 75 and a father you is 78. I never thought I would get to the point where I would have to start looking after them. But the financial scams are starting to appear and the lose of purpose and pride (things I never thought I would see from them) are all coming of age. It is not at the point yet where it is dangerous for them to drive but it is safer for me to drive them but they will never allow it. I'm starting to talk slowly with them now. talk is so important and there may be no peaceful way to do it. There is going to be a fight. Trying to keep the peace in a situation like this, isn't a bad idea but probably just won't happen. It's so strange someone that has spent there life trying to protect you will allow their pride to put you in a dangerous situation. I just recently watched a great film on this subject called "the passage of time". Check it out. Not the happiest thing I've ever seen but very realist.

Answer 8

Well I believe that the state should have yearly driving tests for people over the age of 65, its a tough thing to admit that you are too old to drive. I love to drive and cannot ever see myself giving it up. I will say that as a 20 year retired firefighter older drivers do a lot more damage out there then the public knows. Some cause accidents and don't even realize it. When is the last time you were in Florida, in the fast lane of I-95, cruise set on 80 and come up on a bluehair doing 50 that won't move to the slow lane. The worse part is that they vote more then anyone else and the AARP is extremely strong, so doing anything political about this never ending problem would be political suicide

Answer 9

What about answering this question: What's the best way to tell an IDIOT they shouldn't be driving?

I'm almost 40 and in the years I've been driving, I had my share of getting behind a car going 10 mph with a granny behind the wheel and (much more often) my share of soccer moms in SUV's sipping Starbucks and talking on the cell phone, driving with one pinky half-wrapped around the wheel. Which would I rather be behind? The granny. At least SHE had both hands on the wheel and is watching the damn road!

What's going to happen when YOU get old? Do you want someone harping on you to give up the last shred of Independence you have? Even if you haven't had an accident or even a traffic ticket in 40 YEARS and the youngster trying to get your keys had a couple traffic violations (or more) and maybe a fender bender or two in the past THREE?

I say leave the older people alone. Let their doctors decide if they are healthy enough. And let the individual themselves decide. If you get in the right habit of driving safely, that'll stay with you and you won't have to worry about it when you get old.

About slow response times and accidents: What about the many MORE people who are younger that do just as much or more damage driving drunk, not watching where they are going, etc? I think that's more of a menace than the occasional granny who couldn't turn fast enough to get out of the way of some young jerk that was in too big a hurry to watch where they were going in the first place!

Answer 10

If you're sure that they should not be driving any longer, talk to their physician. A doctor can have the patient perform certain tests (eyesight, coordination, etc.), and then decide whether or not the patient is capable of driving safely. In some states, the doctor MUST report to the Department of Transportation if a patient suffers certain impairments (stroke, etc.) that may effect their driving. If it's not required, I'd bet it's allowed in every state.

If it's only a hunch that they are not capable, go for a ride with this parent. If you're sure afterward, then sit down and discuss exactly what happened to make you think that they should not be driving. Explain to them that you want them to be safe and don't want them to hurt anyone else. Remind them that their grandchildren are on those roads in other cars and could fall victim to a bad driver.

Do not focus on their age, but simply the logical reason that they should not be behind the wheel. Remind them that someone of any age should not drive if they can not see at night, have slow reaction time, or other such problems.

It's not easy giving up your license. It's close to a jail sentence. You can no longer come and go as you please. You can't run your own errands, and you lose a lot of privacy. Please remember this when asking your parent to give up their license. Imagine how you would feel before even beginning the conversation. It will help guide you to how to be sensitive.

Answer 11

Most if not all states allow physicians to report people who should not drive due to a medical condition to the department of motor vehicles. When that happens, the individual will have his or her license suspended and then be required to be evaluated (just what this involves varies from state to state) to get the license back. So ask your parent's doctor for help. Many physicians don't actually know how to do this, so you might have to do the research first and bring in the appropriate form to fill out. This takes the family member out of the conflict. In addition, it clearly makes the reason, a medical problem, something which is not a personal issue. Of course, if the reason is a developing dementia, the parent may not be able to understand or accept what the reason is. But at least you know you have done the right thing, for your parent and for the other people on the road.

I'm a physician and I have taken this action over the years many times with elderly patients who refuse to give up the keys.