Mothers with teens/young adults.. please help.?

Question

I have a daughter who is 21 years old. She is in college and a great student, great person etc. She has a boyfriend who lives about 5 miles from our house. Since she has been out from college this summer, she has stayed over at his house countless times all night. I understand she is a legal adult, and can do what she wants to. I just have a problem with this. I would be stupid to even think that they have not had sex. I know they have had sex, she and I are close enough that she told me about it. (too much information for old mom, but I have always tried to be there for her no matter what). My point is.. this has been going on even before she turned the magic age of 21 and I just see this as being disrespectful to me. I have told her that I do not agree with this. His parents on the other hand are always inviting her to stay over and of course sleep with their son in his bed. Am I just terribly old fashioned or is this suppose to be kosher in this day and time?

she and i have discussed this an she knows that i am very unhappy with this set up. She is not financially on her own. I pay for her school, her apartment outside of campus, her car, insurance, cell phone.. and clothing.

Answer 1

NO!! This is NOT kosher.. and my girls are not the same age yet.. but it is NOT right.. I would not allow it in my house and his folks should NOT allow it in theirs.

I might be considered old fashion or have say MORALS .. which it seems most DO NOT have now a days.. but when my girls some day bring home their fiance I am NOT going to let them sleep or have sex in my house.. NOOP! not till they are married. Now if I am out to dinner and they chose to have sex in my house while there dad and I am out.. than that is their choice.

But as the saying goes: NOT UNDER MY ROOF

Your daughter and her BF and his parents are WRONG!

Answer 2

No offence but... she is of legal age.. she is an adult.. and she is responsible for her own actions. Yes, she lives under your roof and, while she's in your house.. she needs to respect your rules or, she should find her own place. However, there has to be some give and take on both sides. She needs her space... but you need her respect. So, you need to sit down with her and talk about it and tell her EXACTLY how you feel.
However, don't force your views upon her. I have to admit, I might feel the same way if I had a daughter but, it is rather 'old fashioned' in many ways. You have to remember that 9, 10, 11, 12 year old girls are having sex these days... and doing a lot more than just having sex. Your daughter seems to be pretty responsible by your description.
So, if she's in your house with her boyfriend, you have the right to say no to them having sex in the house and sleeping together under your roof. However, if she's at her boyfriends, there really isn't much you can say or do. You could consider talking to his parents.. maybe even to him.. but, you might find that it will push her further away. It's a tricky spot you're in and requires tact, great thought and respect for her feelings.
Best of luck.

Answer 3

I have teenage boys. One with a girlfriend. Her parents allow bf to stay the night. I am not comfortable with that. I really think this is a respect thing. If it is only 5 miles away it is totally about sex and knowing you can't do anything because she is 21. I do believe in boundaries. Let her know what kind of actions that you would like to see while she is living with you. If she can't then there has to be consequences. I believe this should also take place in all our relationships. I believe in being open and honest and if you don't want to live with my beliefs you know where the door is. It may seem harsh but I think in the long run she will respect you and she may even take on the same beliefs. I always ask my boys what would you do if this was your son or (daughter)???

Answer 4

I know that i'm young and don't know much but your right about her age she is 21 and can do what ever she wants to but it's not right for her to be disrespectful to you by coming in at any times of the night with or without any explanations but some things you can tell parents and some things you can't tell them have you thought that maybe she just wanted the two of you to have an open mother and daughter relationship i personally think that you should count your blessings because having a daughter like yours don't come by easily and just in case you were wondering i'm under 18 and she probably is but you just have to respect her decision even if you don't agree with it

Answer 5

My aunt and I are very close. They are like my parents. I am a responsible adult (35 yrs old) but have been this way in my teen years. When I became sexually active at the age of 21 (sheer coincidence), it made them feel very uncomfortable. They would confront me about how they felt and asked that I respect the rules of the house. It got to the point that my aunt highly suggested I move out if I didn't want to respect their wishes. I know now that they were enforcing tough love. If you choose to go the path that they did; it is going to be a tough road in the beginning. But, I assure you that she will realize that you did it out of concern and not control. To this day, I thank them for being stern about my sexual relationships. If it weren't for them; I would have ended up like my sister. She is 34 yrs old and has two children out of wedlock. The father is never there for her or the children. I don't think you are wrong or too old fashioned. You have to do what is comfortable for you.

Answer 6

Ok, while no matter what you do or say you aren't going to stop them from having sex, the best thing I can tell you is you need to sit down and talk with your daughter. Tell her you feel uncomfortable and like she is being disrespectful when she stays overnight at his house. Also, if you pay the bills, she is obliged to respect you and listen to your opinion. Unfortunately if she is financially independent, there isn't much you can do other than explain to her how you feel. If she is still depending on you, tell her that unless she is willing to compromise and not stay overnight at his house, you are not willing to conitnue supporting her. I think the simple act of explaining your feelings will help your situation. But also, just cause she isn't spending the night doesn't mean they aren't having sex...

Answer 7

like u said dhe is an adult and its not your house so u should mine your business if his parents are ok with it so be it as long as it doesnt happen in your house but dontu dare cut her off financially because of this if she is good all around the board in everything else continue to do what u have been doing as her mom until she can stand on her own but cell phone and clothes and personal items she should get a job and handle that on her own but school yes continue

Answer 8

It's not a kosher thing to do but it is more accepted in today's society.. I am a mother but not one of your age but I a few years older than your daughter. I did the same thing she did. It wasn't because my parents told me they didn't approve, but an adult decision I made on my own. She is an adult and you have to respect her decisions as she respects yours. You can teach your child your beliefs when they are young but there's no way to force them to do what you want. Accept your daughter's decision and go on.

Answer 9

No you are right, she should not be doing that but sadly people make stupid choices these days and think bad stuff is so called cool. Perhaps she needs therapy because she seems a bit old for that behavior (yes for some it is a phase around 14-17 but not all).

Answer 10

my parents didn't have a problem with my b-friend and staying the night at the house ( I was 18 ) they knew what was going on. I've been married to the same guy for 6 years now and no problems. Maybe you shouldn't let it get to you cause they're her mistakes to be made and not yours.