My daughters are 18 & 22. I love spending time with them, but don't want to crowd them. Has anyone got any ideas for a good way to redirect my parenting instincts a bit to account for the fact they're not "kids" anymore? I keep having to stop myself from giving them advice like they're still 12 years old.
2006-06-25 08:18:30 · 12 answers · asked by Nightwalker 3 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Parents worry a lot on this and really, it's not a problem. In the world we live, and I am going to talk personally, many parents don't give time of day, to be loving parents. The only way one smothers their own kids is by following them around, or giving them advise in front of their friends.
The only rule is not embarass them in front of their friends but when they are with you, you don't need permission to love them, to care for them, to give as much as you want because they are your children.
No matter how old one grows, one is always seen as a child in their eyes of their parents, no matter what. And you know what, its ok because we sometimes needed to be reminded, that there is someone in this world that cares, that gives without wanting anything back, that sees us for what we are and not what we have to become.
So, you know what? Give as much love to your children. Be there for them. When they come home, sit with them and tell them and say, "you know, I know I might not have said this, but you'll always be my kids, no matter how old you grow and this will always be your home. You've grown so much and I might forget this." And just laugh and sit down enjoy each other's company.
Don't be afraid to talk to them as though they're adult and the best of all, is ask them, "what do you think?" Ask them how they like to be treated because everyone here is different, everyone in yahoo are individuals, everyone like to be treated differently but you have the instinct of a parent. No one will know more about your kids than you.
Be proud you want to be there for your own children. Be proud that you got a lot of love to give and want to be there for them and you have taken responsibilty to be there for them.
Such a gift is hard to find in the world and you don't have to apologies in being a parent. Just don't advise them in front of them friends. Don't crush them with hugs in front of their friends.
Peer pressure does that to kids, youths. They ok when they're with you alone but they are in a world of, "Muuuuuuum! Don't do that! My friends are watching." And that's just because you kissed your kids in the cheek or ruffled their hair. Peer pressure is kind of dominant in their world.
They got a great parent. Lucky them. Brillaint.
2006-06-25 22:28:37 · answer #1 · answered by Adam Taha 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My aunt has 7 children (they're 37 yrs old and up) and she has lectured them their entire lives (as well as the rest of us!). She thinks she knows what's best for everyone and now her children and grandchildren tend to keep her out of the loop on a lot of things.
My own mother, on the other hand, has always made herself available for us. She will express an opinion when asked but generally is just there to listen. She has her own life (work, friends, church, etc.) that doesn't have to do with my brother or me so she has no reason to be "clingy" and i think it's the space that she has allowed us that makes us WANT TO call her several times a week and get together with her at least once a week.
2006-06-25 15:39:29 · answer #2 · answered by mamabunny 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Give them advice when they ask for it. Don't try to lecture them or treat them like a child. Children do respect their parent's opinions, more so when the parent only gives advice when asked. You may not always agree with their decisions, but they will always be your child and you should always be a soft place to fall when things go wrong. Don't say "I told you so", just comfort them when they make mistakes and allow them to learn from their own experiences. Of course, if they are about to make a severe mistake it is ok to step in and offer your advice.
2006-06-25 15:24:25 · answer #3 · answered by rockinout 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do activites you both agree on and like to do. Just keep in mind that they are adults now, and that some of the choices they make, you may not agree with but just have to accept for their sake. Nothing wrong with throwing in your 2 cents every now and then but don't over do it because they won't listen or just grow reluctant in sharing whatever with you. Just back off and give them their space and let them come to you, but do it with arms open so they feel comfortable going to you. With these tactics in mind I am sure you'll have a good on going realtionship with your daughters. Good luck!
2006-06-25 15:27:39 · answer #4 · answered by mccamel1666 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are going through one of the hardest things we as parents have to go through. No matter how old they get, to us, they are and always will be our babies, and it is still our nature to want to nerture. Bad news--good news-smile-we will always do it to some degree, without intent. When they want our advise, they will ask for it. The good news is, when we slip and give our advise , we can always honestly say, I'm sorry, I'm really trying. They will know you are if you have talked with them about it, and told them you really don't mean to interfere, and are really trying to work on it.
Then one day------when they have children of their own, that are their age now, they will know exactly what you meant, and come to you with the question you are asking now.
2006-06-25 15:37:02 · answer #5 · answered by Noreen H 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm there myself with daughters at 17 and 19. Talk to them like adults and friends instead of kids. Recognize that they are in control of their choices, though you can still pipe in things like "don't drink and drive," etc. as appropriate, but just say it and let it go, don't preach.
Now..if they are still living under your roof, regardless of age, they still need to respect your rules and limits. Adulthood isn't a function of age, its a function of self-responsibility and independence. When the issue crops up, a simple "when you are paying your own bills, you get to make your own rules," will suffice.
You will always be mom, you just have to shift into advisor, rather than controller role.
2006-06-25 15:27:49 · answer #6 · answered by Lori A 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Now is the time to become there friend. That's what my Mom did with me. We didn't have the best relationship from my teen years. But now we talk everyday and she is my best friend. She doesn't give me advice unless I ask and we tell each other our problems. Good luck
2006-06-25 15:26:15 · answer #7 · answered by misty a 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
do what I wish my mom would do with me (I am 45 and she is still very critical of almost everything I do). Don't critisize; unless it is a matter of safety..............let your grown children live their own lives and make their own mistakes...(they will anyway)....and they will do it without resenting you if you don't try and overpower their own free will and self expression of who "they" are as individuals.
above all...................ask yourself before you even open your mouth to offer advice, critism, or other musings......
"would you say the same thing to a true friend?"
2006-06-25 15:29:31 · answer #8 · answered by amber 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
try having one day a week or every 2 weeks to do something with them
2006-06-25 15:23:50 · answer #9 · answered by mommyof2 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can attempt the lecture, just stop if the eyeballs start to roll.
;)
2006-06-26 12:26:58 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋