Religious Family and Being Agnostic?

Question

I've been a non Christian ever since I was 12. Back then I use to be an atheist, but after wisening up (not saying atheism is bad, but I'm a huge science freak, and I believe you can't prove either way) I've swtiched to Agnostic several years ago, with some buddhist teachings. Anyways, my grandma found out about this a few weeks ago, and she, my grandpa, and basically everyoen on my dad's side are like FANACTICAL Christians. So she sent me a card saying (in the nicest way possible) that she thought she knew me but she was wrong, and that I have two fathers... The earthly and the heavenly, and "where did I fail you in life?" sort of thing. Needless to say... Even though she wrote it in the most caring way possible, it still hurt me deeply and I cried (just the fact that I am still a good person and she made it seem like I've ruined my life). Now I am afraid to face them, and we are visiting them on the 4th of July. How do I get them to understand?

Answer 1

Mes, sorry to hear about what you're going through and the uncertainty of how to deal with your family.

You know, my young son has a habit of criticizing his sister / teasing her, then saying, "Well, I wasn't trying to be mean," as if that would make everything better. While sometimes even his intentions might be good (to him), it is the content itself of what he is saying that shows a real insensitivity to his sister as a person. Sometimes it's just inappropriate, if he really means to help.

I see your situation as similar, and I know a lot of Christians like those in your family. They have many good intentions, but there are certain ways of thinking ingrained in them that make it difficult for them to actually empathize with someone's feelings who is different from them.

All they see is someone who is outside the fold and thus heading down the wrong path, since they believe that rejecting God will hurt you in the long run. And no doubt they believe that, if they had done everything right, you would be just like them and then everyone would be happy.

So they say things that they see as "true" -- and end up being more concerned about where your faith is right this second, rather than you in general as a human being and member of the family. It's a nuance, but an important one. They'd rather convert you "out of love" than love you as a person and let the chips fall where they may.

They don't realistically understand that people all perceive things differently and can come to different conclusions all on their own, and they're not quite sure how to handle things when your conclusions have differed from theirs.

It's okay to cry over getting such a card from them. I know I'd probably cry too, just because of the alienation it would cause, and feeling misunderstood and not good enough for my family.

What I think is neat is that, instead of despising them or wanting to hurt them back, you can still empathize with them and give them some credit for their motivations and any good things they've done. You still care, where many people would have turned away. That says a lot of good stuff about you as a person.

I wish I had a foolproof answer for you. Unfortunately, there is no way to make them do what you want. You can only control your own decisions and how you respond to theirs. At some point, you have to be secure and at peace with your own choices, so that no one else can take them from you or make you feel bad about them -- even if they disagree with you.

I am a Christian and I grew up in a conservative area; but because I'm a freethinker and creative, I have disagreed with a lot of the things assumed to be true by the religious right types.

Childhood was hellish. I knew many of the people were good and really cared, but intellectually some of their beliefs did not make sense, and I didn't like the way they could not empathize with and respect people of other beliefs. I felt guilty because I saw things differently, but I did not want to be viewed as "bad" or "wrong" just because I had a different perspective. I was miserable if I kept my mouth shut; I was fearful when I did open my mouth.

Even now, it's still hard every time election year comes around, because just not voting straight-party Republican around here leaves everyone questioning your faith if they find out. You are just expected to hold certain political positions if you are a "Christian."

I will say that there is light at the end of the tunnel, if you keep searching and are honest as you pursue God and meaning. It will take time. It took me years to finally emotionally feel like I could just be what I am and believe what I believe and not be afraid to let others know.

Maybe age has something to do with it (you just realize it really doesn't matter what others -- even people you want to please -- think of you). What matters is becoming sure of what you believe.

Part of the fear comes from how you think they will view you, and you don't want them to think badly of you because you still love them and want to please them.

Part of the fear (at least for me) comes from the fact that maybe your beliefs are stil not secure, and you feel as if you have to defend your point of view to others, and maybe you're not right.

I just encourage you to keep seeking truth, and being open to what you discover. The more you know you've really searched and really tried to find what was true, the less you have to be afraid that someone will be able to tell you that you are "wrong."

All I can say about this upcoming weekend is that you should just reconcile yourself to the fact that you believe differently, and that's the way it is. You have to be true to where you are at right now. Try to enjoy their company as family, don't push things in the direction of religion, and don't let them make you feel as if you need to justify your beliefs.

Just say that you love them, respect them, and you're just at a different place right now -- but you do want to spend time with them because you care. Hopefully they will not force the issue(s). If they do, just keep telling yourself that you're okay, listen to their piece, tell them you'll think about it, and then move on. The bad feelings will be there, but don't give in to them. Push them away and tell yourself that you are worthwhile no matter what you believe.

I wish I could give you more to go on. As long as you remember you love them, you can make it through without hating them.

Answer 2

The best thing you can do is firstly, carry yourself in a respectful and caring manner. You can be agnostic and still be a good person worth of the respect of your family. The best way to defend your way of life is to lead it by example. Secondly, I would thank your grandparents for caring about you, but firmly remind them that in this country you have the right to choose whatever religion you want, or lack thereof.

But certainly do not be afraid of your family. Even if you disagree, they should still love you no matter what. I wouldn't worry about trying to get them to understand your beliefs because that is impossible for them-they have chosen theirs and aren't open to any others. Instead, focus on respecting each others beliefs and tolerating the differences.

Lastly, if respect can not be achieved from your father's side of your family, I would just avoid the subject altogether. There is more to life than talking about when its over. The most important thing to remember that if you choose to go against the grain of the majority, you need to be thick skinned and tough because you are going to be questioned on all sides-Be tough and tactful!

Answer 3

Being an Agnostic means you believe it is impossible to know whether there is a God.
Being an atheist is that you do not believe in any god.

However, do you see scientific evidence in Buddhism? Reality is you end up believing in some form of religion - either there is a supreme being of some sort or that you are the god.

The grand parents are just trying to steer you in the direction they think is best for you.

So, for the 4th of July, tell them that you just do not see 'it' yet. They'll have to respect that.

Answer 4

I'm in a similar situation, being the only Buddhist in a family group of mostly very conservative Christians. If you can get them to understand, please let ME know how you did it. What I've done to keep the peace is absolutely nothing. I endure the pleas and the preaching, but I don't respond to it, except to say that I appreciate their concern, but that my beliefs are private. Then I move on to another subject. Over the years, they've come to see me as a hopeless case, spiritually speaking, but the shock is over and the attacks on my beliefs are fewer. Hang in there.

Answer 5

"Even though she wrote it in the most caring way possible, it still hurt me deeply and I cried (just the fact that I am still a good person and she made it seem like I've ruined my life)."

I think you need to share that with her. Its the Christan thing to do. She needs to learn so she will not hurt others.

The best thing you can do to fix her is be 100% honest. Let her understand you and your feelings. I am saying this as a Christan.

Answer 6

You almost can not make them understand. I had similar cards.. not just from my Gran.

Apparently she loves you very much and there is no need to be afraid. Just tell them what you believe and make it sound like it is very similar to what they believe (not bend the truth, point out I mean)

They are just worried as they are taught other belief will get you into hell. An atheist goes nowhere, that is almost preferable.

Don't worry about it. You'll do fine.

Answer 7

Screw them. It's your life. They're your beliefs. If they bring it up, explain to them that you think it's arrogant to assume that humans can comprehend the nature of the universe with just these five little senses. Explain to them that you find it highly offensive and unchristian of them to think less of you for your beliefs. Explain to them that they're ruining an otherwise delightful family gathering by harassing you about it. If they start making you feel like you're going to cry, tell them you're not interested in discussing it further. If they press the matter, get up and walk out of the room. Repeat until they get the point.

Answer 8

Call or go to the family gathering. Talk to them about how the card made you feel. If they are really understanding they would put religion aside and put family first! They will respect Ur views no matter what. It took a while for my family for as my views but they never rejected me as family and as a person!

Answer 9

If they love you, they will understand. My uncle is a Paster and my mother, father, sister, and myself are all atheists, yet we still get along fine with him. It may take time, they probably will never stop preaching, but consider it a way of strengthening your own religious beliefs. It takes periods of self-doubt to make an iron wall out of your beliefs.

Answer 10

I'm not sure if you can. It's their choice. I would tell them that you love them, and that even if you aren't sure about God, they are people who you love, respect, and want to be with, and that even if they don't unserstand this, they still know that you're a good person, because that's something your personal beliefs don't change. I'd be careful not to get into any arguments, or even major discussions, about religious belief because it won't make anybody happy. Good luck! :)

Answer 11

Same here only my grandma hasnt found out yet... Although i quit going to church with her quiet a time ago. Itll happen she'l figure it out but she'll react worse she'll disclaim me as her granddaughter all together. OH WELL thats all you can say

SAy well i thought i knew you... YOur a loveing christian you should understand, unless your a hypocritical peice like every other christian i know