If my wife has no desire whatsoever to give or recieve affection in any manner, is that considered cheating?

Question

Would it be wrong for me to have an affair, or even to divorce, since my wife wants nothing to do with me physically? What would Jesus have to say about this? I'm tired of being rejected. By the way, I'm not ugly and I don't stink. It's she who has the problem.

I should add that lack of communication is the biggest problem. I've tried talkiing with her. She's not talking. No response. We tried marriage counseling. They gave up and kicked us out.

We have an eight year old daughter. The only thing keeping me here.

Answer 1

Buddy, a lot of us have been there. Under the law, "cheating" or adultery requires penetration with a non-spouse. The divorce laws of many states provide abandonment as a cause for divorce. I don't know if this would get you there as a legal matter. As a legal matter, you would pretty much need her consent to get a divorce on the grounds of irreconcilable differences.

Why she doesn't want anything to do with intimacy - geez, if we only knew. Usually, a woman who loses interest in you is supremely disappointed with the romance she expected to have with you. There are two sides to that story. She may have had unrealistic expectations or you may be something less than Romeo in your apporach to romancing her ... I doubt she has lost interest in sex. Most mature women I've known seem to desire and enjoy sex a bit more than their male counterpart. After a long marriage where a woman feels like her emotional needs have not been met, you aren't going to get any intimacy. She may not be justified in those feelings but a lot of women get to this point.

The other possibility is that she has a boyfriend who is fulfilling the emotional needs she has had for years and she finds herself unable to avoid having the intimacy with him. If she is treating you with little respect, seems to always point out how inferior you are to other men, or similar things, those are telltale signs. If you have any inkling, hire a private investigator. An experienced one will be able to tell you right off the bat if she is behaving like a woman who is cheating. Getting some evidence to prove or disprove wouldn't hurt a thing. A lot of us live in denial for a long time - I sure did. Finding out what she had been doing sure explained a lot.

Even if she isn't having an affair, she isn't being faithful as God intended for marriage. I read a book several years ago by Ed Wheat called Love Life For Every Married Couple. He really has a great insight into the real meaning of adultery and faithfulness. He was a non-believer and came to Christian faith in an effort to save his marriage. Good stuff. I would agree that you are not in a faithful, committed marriage. You and your wife are probably getting some good things from your marriage. But you both desperately need intimacy. This isn't just your need - you both need it. Another good book on this topic is His Needs Her Needs. It helped me to understand why my wife was so ambivalent towards me.

In my case, our marriage didn't last. My ex told me that I couldn't meet all of her needs adequately so she was justified in leaving me. I think her needs were unrealistic, as no man could "fill the hole in her heart" as she put it. I never cheated on her, and that really was the right decision. However, I don't think I was living in a very healthy emotional state during that time. I behaved strangely around women I would meet. Clearly, something was missing. Female friends would tell me privately that it was clear that I hadn't been laid in a long time. Well, that wasn't good behavior on my part, either.

If I were in your shoes once again, I would tell her that lack of intimacy is not a problem that your marriage can endure, and that you need to change things. You simply cannot continue to live like this. Either 1) find out how to build the bridges of trust and sense of well-being to reignite romance, 2) give her the chance to walk away from the marriage if she so desires (put up or shut up kind of thing), 3) ask her if she is interested in other guys, and 4) discuss the possibility of keeping the marriage alive but maybe it needs to be an open relationship. All of those things may be too much for her to handle. But if you don't think she can handle the discussion, you have identified one of your issues. Believe me, she has strong opinions on everything you would think of discussing with her.

Hey, best to you. My life is hard in many ways, and this divorce is very hard on the kids, but I'm doing so much better emotionally than I have in a long time. Brighter days are ahead for you.

Answer 2

An affair would not be a good thing. If your marriage is as bad as it sounds then I would go for the divorce. You don't need to live in a relationship where your wife basically wants nothing to do with you. What kind of a life is that, let alone what kind of marriage is that! It's time you think of your feelings in this situation, and do what will make you happy. Leave your wife and get a much happier life without her. Your daughter is now old enough to be able to understand why you would be leaving. Have you ever thought about how she might be feeling, seeing her parents so unhappy with each other. Try talking to your daughter and make her understand that you are not leaving because of her, but because you and your wife are no longer happy in your marriage. Good luck!

Answer 3

Have you actually been there for her, or do you just show her affection when you want some in return? If you are showing her that you truly love her and you are giving your all to her, but she is not doing the same in return. Then it sounds as though the two of you need to get some counseling. Because a long lasting relationship should be mutual, not one sided! And having a child as well means that the bond the two of you share with one another should be even stronger! And when that bond breaks, it might hurt the two of you, but the one that it is going to hurt the most, is your daughter! She has to sit and watch her Parents love for one another fade away, And that makes her begin to wonder if it is her fault that this is happening to the two of you! If you feel that it would be in every ones best interest, for you to move on you should. But if you believe that you are just as much to blame as your wife, you should try and work things out with her and become a happy family again! It takes two too make a marriage/relationship to work, and also breakup! Marriage is a commitment that should last until death do you part! I pray you make the right decision!
Good Luck
And God Bless All of You!!!

Answer 4

There could be a multiple number of reasons why she may not want to be intimate with you, and it doesn't necessarily mean that she is cheating on you. Have you asked her perhaps why she doesnt feel like it? She could have depression or another medical problem that leaves her without wanting intimacy. Instead of considering divorce or an affair, just talk with her and encourage her. If you feel like that isn't working, then seek a third party, such as counseling. Marriage takes work...no matter how difficult it can get. My husband has been going through something similar for a few months now, but despite how difficult, we try to make it work. Just think if the shoe was on teh other foot, what would you like for her to do.

My thoughts are with you and good luck.

Answer 5

One of the reasons many women don't feel like having sex is because they are tired, stressed, overwhelmed, have you thought about it? Or because their partner is not romantic, just want to jump over and be done in a minute. Women have needs, they need love, attention, romance, sweet words, they need to feel that they are wanted, loved, and needed. When was the last time you had a romantic dinner? When was the last time you went dancing or just seat outside and enjoy the beauty of the sky and the stars? When was the last time you told her how much you love her? You don't have to be a poet to say loving words to show appreciation. There are a lot cards in any supermarket that you can buy to express your feelings when you are unable to do it in your own words. Use your imagination to surprise her. Call her over the phone and when she answers just tell her " I just call to let you know that I am thinking of you, that I love you with all my heart and I thank God for letting me be part of your life." Bring her a rose after work, leave a loving note under her pillow, write on the mirror I Love You. If after all this efforts nothing seems to work may be the love is gone. But don't give up without giving the try. Remember love is magic and once you let it die is gone.....

Answer 6

If you haven't done this already i would talk to her about the problem first. Why does she reject you and how come she shows no sign of affection. Does she no longer find you attractive? Do you make life exciting for the both of you? Don't let life become so routine to the point where she expects to engage in sexual intercourse right when she gets in bed. Perhaps you should approach her intimately in a different setting. In the Kitchen..In the closet..Anywhere but where she would most likely expect you to be sexy with her. I would also give her a little affection in public make her feel like the most beautiful sexy woman in the world and that ll you want is her.
When there is tension between the both of you its gets to a point where its difficult to overcome. If you want to make this work you both need to get over what nit picky things you have against each other and JUST MOVE ON. Life is way too short to be unhappy.
If you feel that in the end she doesn't genuinely love and care for you and is never going to engage in a more intimate relationship with you let her know. Let her know that you are unhappy and we need to get through this or we need to move on our own ways.
Never Cheat. Whats the point in staying with someone you don't like even though you are married? Get divorced and separated and be honest with one another. I would much rather my husband tell me that he no longer wants to be with me and that he wants to see other women than for him to do it behind my back.
Dont have an affair! Talk to her..let her know whats up.. Be honest and live a happy life

Answer 7

Sure It IS! How else can you say that your Spouse IS The Half that Makes YOU WHOLE In All Things; With that Mentality? Not too mention what their "Character" IS... "P*ss-Poor!" As A Woman, What MAKES You Less of A Woman to those "Celeb's" that you Mentioned? Beyonce, Rihanna; Mary J, Eve; Angelina, Jennifer; Mariah, and All Celeb's; are Prettier/Better than you cause they Have Fortune-N-Fame? The Same for Us-Men! You WOULD want or need Brad, George; Will, John; Samuel L, or The Rest 'cause they ARE Rich-N-Famous? When in reality, THEY Would Have you and your "Petty, Greedy, Wanting Nature?" Knowing that once they Let you into their Lives, and TRIED to Love you... All you CAN Think about IS The next (latest) "Star" to get-with? Celeb's ARE NO DIFFERENT than you as A Human! They WANT/NEED the same things that you need in your Relationship and Marriage! They WANT/NEED Trust, Devotion; Honor, Respect; Love and Faithfulness from their Spouse too! As I said; As A Woman, Wife; Best-Friend, and Mother, to your Husband DOESN'T give him The Right to BREAK your Heart in any way, the same as It doesn't give you The Right to do The Same to Him! You ARE NOT being Honest to your Spouse if you Fantacise about "F**k'n" (Not Making LOVE) another person, or watching Porn! LOVE The ONE you're with; Or DON'T LOVE At ALL! The Rest IS just "FAKE & BS!" You KNOW This is True... If you DIDN'T; You WOULDN'T be asking. Nor do you or any Woman/ Wife Deserve that Petty-Disrespect, because you don't have "Fame-N-Fortune" like The Celeb's! If you DID, you probably WOULDN'T Have Married your "Excuse" of Your "Other-Half" (B*stard: I Mean... Husband); Right? I HOPE this Helps you?

Answer 8

I had several reasons for my divorce, but one of the things was the lack of intimacy. And the lack of his ability to search out help for the problem. I stayed married for a long time because I had made that commitment. I stayed way too long. Without that intimacy it seems that all other sorts of communicaton failes.
If you feel you need an affair.....that just might mean you need to divorce. I stayed for my kids sake, now I realize it would of been better to NOT Of stayed for the kids. Even though I had heard that over and over again.
About what would Jeasus say to this......TO me He said that I no longer needed to be abused and it was ok to start new.

Answer 9

Depending on your ages maybe she is just going thru pre menopause or somethin like that. I have been married to my husband for 16 yrs We are both in our 40s and i find at times in my life where i dont want to have any thing to do with sex or any kind of affection, that does not mean i am cheating on my husband I love him dearly I am able to talk to him about this and he understands where i am coming from and he is there for me in an emotional way A way that I need to him to be. I dont know how long you have been married or anything about you but sometimes alot of women just go thru phases where they dont want to be touched or bothered, give her some space talk with her and let her know you love her uncondtionaly maybe that is all she needs and she will come around. or maybe she is depressed just be patient and dont step out on her thats just wrong. Understand I am telling you this from a womans point of veiw and god be with you and her both I hope it all works out for you and I wish you the best whatever decison you make

Answer 10

Find a counselor, Christian or otherwise. Sometimes things like this need a "neutral moderator" to be talked out. You two need to get to the root of this problem and address it. Don't start philandering, that will only increase your wife's aversion and it sure isn't what Jesus would do.