I need a good joke, anyone got a good one, racy or mild it doesn't matter?

Answer 1

A man came home from work early one day, and found his wife naked and panting on the bed. "Honey," she said, thinking quickly, "I think I'm having a heart attack!" While rushing to call the doctor, he nearly stumbled over his crying four year old, who told him there was a naked man in the closet. He ran to the closet, opened the door, and there was his best friend. "Damn it, Dave" he shouted, "Jill's having a heart attack and here you are scaring the hell out of the kids!"

Answer 2

New Husbands Store





A store that sells new husbands has just opened in Chicago, where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes
of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor,
or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to
exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have
jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and
are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth
floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are
drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have
jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a
strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. Ther e are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A new wives store, also with six floors, opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Answer 3

Gay Bob goes into the doctor's
office and has some
tests run. The
doctor comes back and says "Bob,
I'm not going to beat
around the bush. You
have AIDS." Bob is devastated.
"Doc, what can I
do?" The doctor says "I
want you to go home and eat 5
pounds of spicy sausage,
1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled
carrots drenched in hot
sauce, 10 Jalapeno
peppers, 40 walnuts and 40
peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape
nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of
prune juice." Bob
asks, "Will that cure me,Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should
leave you with a better understanding
of what your a s s is for."

Answer 4

GOOD
In Richardson , Texas State Trooper was running radar. He had a
perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he
discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a
hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!"
The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a
sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to
just sell lemonade!)


BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post in Plano , Texas . A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The
police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over in Austin , Texas for speeding. As
the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his
ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas
State Police Ball." He replied, " Texas State Troopers don't have
balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what
he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

Answer 5

A hair lip guy walks into a bar and begins to order.

"how much is your whiskey" ask the man

$2.00 a shot replied the bartender

damn that's high, said the hair lip, well how much is your beer?

$1.50 a bottle" says the bartender,

Damn that's high too, well how much is your wine?, ask the hair lip


$1.00 a glass, replied the bartender,

Well, I'll take that, the hair lip responds.

Well, the hair lip gets to drinkin, and after a good buzz looks at the bartender and says, " you know, i really like you, most people make fun of the way i talk, but you haven't said one word.

"well, why would i make fun of you" responds the bartender. "see this hump on back, you haven't said one word out of the way to me about it all night".

Well the hair lip man looks at the bartender and says' "is that what that is, Everything else in here was so high, I thought it was your a s s!

:)

Answer 6

A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, "I'm really hungry and thirsty too. It was freakin' freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.

After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed.

They both think for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine".

So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."

Answer 7

Okay. Try to follow along.

There's a crying lady with no arms and no legs, sitting on the beach on a sunny afternoon. A man walks by and sees her, he asks "why you cryin'?" Lady replies, "I've never been hugged before". So the man feels sympathy and hugs her. But she's still cryin'. The man asks the same question and she replies, "well, I've never been kissed either". So the man, again feels sorry, so gives her a kiss. But yet, she's still cryin'! The man asks again, "ma'am, why are you still crying, you've just been hugged and kissed?" She replies, "I've never been phucked before". Soooo, the man picks up the gimp lady, walks over to the ocean, throws her in, then says, "now you're phucked"!

Answer 8

man walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
the monkey eats the chips on the bar then runs over to the pool table and puts a pool ball into his mouth and swallows it whole. The monkeys owner pays for the ball that his monkey swallowed and goes home.
A week later the man and his pet monkey return to the same bar and the monkey jumps up on the bar and sticks a cherry up his bum and then puts it into his mouth, then eats it. The bartender is really discusted.
The owner of the monkey says scince he ate that pool ball last week he has been measuring everything first.

Answer 9

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"

Answer 10

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they
spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was
difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota
and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following
day. The husband checked
into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an
email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting
messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's
son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the
computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared
for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your
journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!


Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says, "That was the screen saver".

Manmohan Singh to Bush - We are sending Indians to the moon next year.
Bush - Wow! How Many?
Manmohan Singh - Total 100.
25 - OBC
25 - SC
20 - ST
5 - Handicapped
5 - Sports Persons
5 - Terrorism Affected
5 - descendents of freedom fighters -4th generation
9 - Politicians
And if possible
1 - Astronnaut..............!!!!!