well here goes!?

Question

my friend already has 2 kids 2 different dads and has just found out that she is pregers again so will b 3 kids 3 different dads, i dont judge her for that i'm a friend no matter what, its just she will struggle to cope she barley kept it together the last time only a yr a week and day between the 1st 2. she dosent have any family support she just relyed on me to help her. i had to take a step back and let her get on with it wasnt doing me any good, now have just found this out dont know what to do about it. not that there is much i can do apart from help her when i can but dont want her to rely on my help again. shes the one whose got pregnant and has 2 kids not me. i'm reading this and think im really selfish. do u think i'm selfish or should have to go this one alone maybe she'll reslise this time

Answer 1

Oh dear. You sound like a really good friend, but she doesn't. It seems like she isn't taking full responsibility for her actions, and possibly because she knows you will always be there to help her. Some people need help, others think they need it, and then there are those who make it so they need help. It is not selfish at all to want to live your life, and not have to take care of other peoples' problems. Besides, you keep giving her help, she's likely to never learn her lesson and stand on her own. Good luck, I know its hard to ignore a friend's call for help, but sometimes you have to.

Answer 2

your not selfish....you've help her alot already and she hasn't learned her lession yet. I mean birth control isn't that hard, not that she's a bad person. but you're being an enabler, she going to continue to make her mistakes knowing that someone is gonna bail her out. Im not sure how many options you have but tell her you physically and financially cannot help her anymore. You can only be there for her emotionally, and she need to make a change in her life. She needs to be more selfless, these kids are whats important...with or without a dad. She needs to stop looking for a man and focus on being a mom, b/c her kids shouldn't make the same mistakes she has. Also, at the state she's in right now shes not picking the best person for herself, shes probably picking the most conveinent of the good looking ones. Especially w/ a new baby on the way it'll be easy to put men on pause for the next .....5 years? Re-evaluate her life, re-focus her energy, see if she can pick a good guy this time. And you should be there sparingly b/c shes too dependent on you and its not healthy.

Answer 3

listen if you keep helping her she will never grow up and be the mother she needs to be. You did not get pregnant she did and it is her responsibility not yours. I have five children and would never expect someone to do this for me my children are also by 3 different dads. my first was when I was a teenager, my next 3 were by my husband of 9 years and then he left and my now 2 month old is from my boyfriend of 5 years, So I wouldn't judge her either by how many dads there are but I would step back and let her be the mom she needs to be or she is gonna rely on you forever. Good Luck

Answer 4

I don't think you are selfish. I'm a single mom with one child. I know how hard it is. You should be there for her but not at the expense of your own sanity. But I know for a fact that based on what you told me. She can get birth control pills free to prevent future pregnancies. Also, if she has not gotten financial support from the fathers she needs to do it right away. Given the situation you told me, the government can more than likely certify the paternity of the child and if the father proves difficult the gov. will get the money right out of his pay check. Last point, if she is already struggling with two, she may need to look at her situation from an objective view and consider adoption. There are plenty of waiting parents out there who would even pay for her current medical needs as well as other financial incentives. I did consider adoption in my situation, however, I have a lot of emotional and financial support right now from my mom, friends, and some from the father. So, I kept my baby and didn't give him up for adoption.

Answer 5

Well i think you are a great friend for sticking by her in the first place. Know matter what she sounds like shes going to keep this baby, so wether or no your there to help she will have to get on with it. Thats what mothers do they have no choice! when you say she relied on you with the other two pregnancy's do you mean helping with the babies? Baby sitting etc. say to her you will stand by her and that maybe once a week you will spend the day with her. Where are the men to these children? I would also take her for a trip to go on the pill. my boyfriend is one of 14 and his mum got pregnant when each child got to 3 month old. she never enjoyed her children as she didnt have time. it really upsets me to see women get like this as my boyfriend and his siblings basically went without a mum. Iknow its not your place to sort her out but have a think about it and maybe try help her out a lttle and get her on some sort piiii

Answer 6

Sweetie, my heart goes out to you. You are more of a friend than she deserves. I'm not sure how old you are but you sound young. And probably have your own problems to deal with. Life is hard enough without someone else piling their problems on your shoulders too. What she needs is counseling. And good birth control. You need to step back a little and let her know that she needs to take responsibility for her own actions. She is the one being selfish. She is bringing children into this world that she cannot take care of in a manner they deserve. Talk to your parents and see what they suggest. Sometimes parents can come up with decent ideas once in a while.

Answer 7

Ok. This is complicated. You clearly love your friend a lot, and I think it's very unusual and sincere of you not to judge her for her situation. But I also think that it's a huge tax on you too(the situation). If she is as true a friend to you , as you are to her, then she will care about what you have to say. This is obviously only a suggestion , but here goes:Tell her you love and support her, but that you are a little freaked out that she keeps getting pregnant, considering the work it takes to raise kids, and that she's on her own etc. etc. Tell her you won't love her any less, but that you won't always be able to be "on deck" to help out, and that it weighs on you that both her,, and any kids of hers,might have a really hard time. You may be able, then , to talk about the deeper issue of what's going on in her relationships, that this keeps happening, without judgement or accusation. And you may be more able to set your boundaries, with her understanding. I hope it goes well.Bless:)

Answer 8

My dh and I are helping a friend in a similar situation. She has two kids by two dads and neither dad is around to help. I guess the best way to help her is to put down some rules and stick by them. We will help her care for the kids but are not full-time sitters, she lives with us but pays rent, utilities and food.

It also sounds like she needs to talk with a family counselor and family planning.

You are NOT being selfish. She needs to grow up and learn to keep her legs crossed or be responsible enough to be on birth control. She is being selfish to the children when she cannot care for them and support them. Helping does not mean doing it her way. It means being a true friend and letting her know you are there but won't be taken advantage of and that you do not approve of her choices.

Answer 9

your not selfish. she must learn on her own, all you can do is give her your best advice. Be honest with her. Tell her you need to take better care of yourself and that she cant have you to rely on. Let her know that you will be her friend no matter what, but not a father. Help her find what support she needs at a human resources office or something. There are org. that help others for free with children, food, clothing, supplies, shelter, councelling, etc.As a friend help her get started. Remember to help yourself first though.

Answer 10

its not selfish of you, you weren't to know and everyone needs a break from helping people out especially if it is a regular thing....

help and offer support when you can, let her know you are there -within reason, yes she may not like that you dont run to her everytime she needs you, but if you help her out often it will stifle you and you will end up falling out..... dont be afraid to take some time out, it doesnt make you selfish.

simply explain you can help and will help where you can but not all the time, if she is a true friend she will understand that they are HER kids and she cant rely on you all the time as you hve your own life.....just word it a bit better

good luck!

Answer 11

make sure she is getting child support!!! just be her friend and thats it. you didnt have the kids so you dont need to support them, but maybe help her find a good job so she can be a good mom. you can offer to babysit but make sure its NOT ALL THE TIME and dont be afraid to tell her no when you cant. next time she wants to go out or whatever she does when she sleeps with these guys tell her not to. have her watch the movie "where the heart is" with you. it may be cheesy but the one character has like 5 kids with different dads and maybe she will see herself in that. I know when I was little my mom went to this thing called "mommies" even when my parents were married, but it was something that moms did once a week with their kids. maybe she needs to be around some other moms.