My mom wants to "take a time off" from me... what can I do to regain her love?

Question

I feel like the lowest of lows. My mom and I have had a stressful relationship for the past two years now. I'm 20 and in college and it seems that every time we spend time together, even sometimes on the phone, we end up fighting. She feels like I'm too demanding of her affections and I feel like she just doesn't care about me anymore. She never calls me unless I call her, she never emails me... I feel like I don't matter to her anymore. I have two younger brothers (9 and 11) and they get hugs and kisses all the time and I can't remember the last time she hugged me. I feel abandoned and unloved. Now she says we need to take a break from talking to each other so she can calm down and "heal". From what I don't know... Any suggestions on things I could do to encourage her affections for me?

Answer 1

My heart goes out to you. I had a similar kind of relationship with my Mother. We had to take time away from each other because it was actually getting unhealthy. Maybe she sees something that you don't right now. Maybe she doesn't want you to became too dependent on her so that you can learn how to be dependent on yourself. I know it's a tough lesson and It hurts. But it only hurts when we don't understand why they pull away. My mother and I now have a great relationship but I am very care full not to cross the line with her. I don't tell her too much about my personal life otherwise she feels as though I want her to "fix" it and that makes her resentful. There was a time when I would run to her for EVERYTHING! Guy problems, money problems, emotional...you name it. This is why we needed space. I was hurt and angry at first but then I realized that It was out of love and I really needed to get strong on my own and not use her as a cruch all the time. Trust me you guys will come together again and continue your relationship on a more "adult" level and that's when it's really fun! Use the time away from her to became reliant on yourself. You'll be okay.

Answer 2

It's called "Mommy burnout" and it is not anything you have done or not done for her, she's just beginning to feel like she'd like a little more time for herself, rather than raising children; she most likely feels like since you are, technically, an adult you should be able to understand this (although how exactly you are supposed to understand without her telling you, I don't know...); She doesn't love your brothers more than you, it's just that they are still children and are more needy than you are. She is also realizing that since you are an adult in your own right now, she can't tell you what to do anymore and the fighting is just her way of trying to not untie the apron strings just yet. Talk about contradictory! Take her out for a nice lunch and let her know that you two need to have a heart to heart talk and iron out everything that is going on between you so that you can progress to having a relationship as adult friends as well as parent-child. Good luck, sweetie, and remember - your mom really does love you.

Answer 3

My oldest daughter is in about the same place with her mom. I'm so sorry - I've seen how much this hurts my own precious girl. Your mom likely cannot handle it that you are getting older, are now beyond her control, have the beauty and life opportunities that she had at your age, and are more adult than child. She has to accept you as the young adult you are. With my ex, I think she is nothing more than jealous of her daughter. My girl is so beautiful, charming, outgoing, giving and fun. She's all the things her mother wished for her to be yet the two of them can't talk to each other for more than about 90 seconds. My girl has lived with me for almost a year and brings her girlfriends to my house all the time. I'm enjoying the fun but sure wish she could get along better with her mom. You are going to have to just tell yourself that your mom really does love you. She is acting psycho and has forgotten that she is the mom. She's resorting to childish behavior, it seems. Hey, I'd give you a hug if you were my daughter's friend and joined us for dinner.

Can your dad give you some extra attention? Let him know that you need some right now. Ask him to take you to dinner. Chances are he will be thrilled that you asked. I am always delighted to do that for my girl.

Don't lose faith in yourself. You are a remarkable woman. Give your mom time and let her know that you will always be her daughter and will always honor her as your mother. Someday she'll put down the rope, stop playing tug of war, and start to appreciate you as the fabulous girl that you are ... that she raised. It isn't fair that you have to be the mature one here. Life isn't fair.

Answer 4

Wow, we must have the same mom. Maybe your mom is going through a rough time right now. I know how it feels to feel a little unloved from your mom. My mom doesn't call or email me, either. Try not to take it too personally, even though she is your mom. Give her the space that she wants for now. Even though it might be hard, stop calling and wait for her to come to you. Eventually, your mother will realize that something is missing and will start to wonder about you. If a long period of time goes by and you don't hear from her, then you may want to call her and ask how she's doing, how her life is going, how she's feeling, etc. Try to give her some support and, hopefully, she'll return it when she's back on track.

Answer 5

All right young person I am a mother of three sons and I to have been fed up with there attitude at times that I needed a time out from them! Give her time, space, and if she is a single mom be considerate. Therefore, you say you are 20 and in college well then you need to start behaving like a gown up. Take some time out from her then give her a call and tell her that you want to start all over again, but don’t call just to ask her for something, because then she will feel as if that’s all you want from her. I don’t know if you have said this before, but maybe you should ask her if there is anything you can do to help her!

Answer 6

I'm making a big reach here because I don't have sufficient information to really know. Usually when there is an older child or children, then younger ones with so many years in between, it means there has been a divorce and the younger children have a different father. If this is your case, I would say your mother's problem with you is related somehow to her first marriage. either she blames you somehow for the split up or holds a grudge against you because of your father. The only way to bridge something of this kind, is to get her to talk to you about it. This might be what she's talking about when she says she needs time to heal.

Answer 7

I do not know the whole story so I am asking. Did you and your mnother have a good relationship when you were a child? If not maybe she is just stuck in her ways or she is ashamed of the poor relationship she had with you before and doesn't know how to face you other than this. Give it time. You two should feel very lucky because you have each other. I do not have a mother. She died in 1991. I was 13 when she passed. I would give anything if I could see her once more. Don't hate your mother and she should give you the benefit of a doubt. God bless.

Answer 8

Real talk. You mom has a new man in her life and has no need to be pestered by her oldest siblings. There is more to your story than what your telling, and yes, that's your business. If she wants to take a time off from you, let her. You are 20 yrs. old, on y0ur own, in college, etc. Girl, your grown. Don't try to regain your mother's love, you should know how she is by now. She's always going to love you. Let her regain herself and what she's going through..and trust me..she'll come to you.

Answer 9

Maybe you should give your mom the time she needs. If you demand even more affection it will probably just make the situation worse. Once you get back to your mom you should try to get to the root of the problem and find out why you aways end up fighting. It could be a simple break down in communication? Does she know how you feel (abandoned, unloved)? But you are not a little kid anymore, so don't expect your mother to coddle you like she does your siblings. Maybe your mom thinks you need to grow up a bit and become more indepedent and thinks this will work?

Answer 10

give her what she wants. don't call or contact her in anyway for a while. then if she loves u at all she will contact u. she will want to know why u haven't been getting in touch with her. I'm sure she loves u, she probably stressed with other things and taking it out on u. so don't worry about it. but when she does finally contact u, tell her how u been feeling and how u want to be able to talk without arguing all the time. i hope that i was of some help...good luck.