Anyone have a good joke?

Question

Thanks! I'm really bored.

Answer 1

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to
the
pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,"I would like to buy
some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, " Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,"Lord have mercy! I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us
in
jail!
All kinds of BAD things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any
cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in
bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and
replied,"Well now, That's different. You didn't tell me you had a
prescription"

Answer 2

One afternoon, a little girl returned home from school and announced that a friend had told her where babies come from.

Amused, her mother replied, "Why don't you tell me all about it?" The little girl explained, "Well, mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing stands up, and then the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies."

Her mother shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye-to-eye and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies...

"That's how you get jewelry."

Answer 3

i just heard it.
a girl was in a n operation and she had a near death experience in whihc she saw god. she asked him if she was going to die and he said no... so then she asked him, how much time do i have left... and he answered 30 to 40 years.
she was an old chik so she decided to have all the surgery possible to keep looking young as she had to live for so long. she got a tummy tuck, lipo, breast and butt implants, cheek implants, sylicon, botox to fill in the wrinckles, a nose job and every other thing that is possible. after having her nose job she walked out of the hospital, crossed the road and got hit by an ambulance.
when she got to heaven and saw god she said "dude u said i had 30 to 40 years left!!!!"
and god answered "ohs shat! that was u?!?!?! sorry i didnt recognize you!!!!!!!!!!"
lol

Answer 4

1.) My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters".

2.) A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his
boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:
"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

"Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . . ."

3.) One day a man was going on the street. He met a man who asked him what had happened to his ears as both ears covered with bandages.
He said: "I was ironing my clothes when the phone bell rang. Instead of picking up the phone, i pick up the iron, so i burnt my ear."
The man asked "So what happened to your other ear?"
He said "That same stupid guy called again"

4.) Teacher : Which is more important to us, the sun
or the moon?
Pupil: Moon...
Teacher : Why?
Pupil : The moon gives us light at night when we
need it but the sun gives us light only in the day
time when we don't need it.

5.) SURD: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
MAN: "It's 3:15."
SURD: (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the
weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

Answer 5

3 dogs are sitting in the vets office, 2 older dogs and 1 young dog.
The young dog asks the first old dog what he is there for. He replies " young lad, my days are numbered and I have lived a full life,my owners are putting me down" The young lad looked afraid as he asked the second older dog the same question." Why are you here?" he asked. "Young lad be careful in your new life with your owners,I have lived with mine 4 years and one of the new children they have was tugging at my sore ear and I nipped him" They are putting me down also! The young lad looked horrified.
The oldest of the dogs looked quite puzzled and asked why the young lad was there.
He replied, My master was getting out of the shower and she dropped her towel.When she went to pick it up I mounted her and kept on going until she was screaming. She brought me here for a manicure.

Answer 6

Hey Kelly,

the funniest blonde joke
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

Answer 7

An old man died and was approaching the Pearly Gates. Just as he was about to enter, he disappeared.
St. Peter stood there and scratched his head for about ten seconds and the old man re-appeared. Again, just as he was about to enter, he disappeared a second time.
About a minute later he re-appeared. St. Peter said "Hey, why do you keep disappearing?"
The old man said "Don't get mad at me. They're down there trying to revive me!"

Answer 8

Here is one for ya. Hope you enjoy it.
Cheer's
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Answer 9

Because I'm blonde
A girl came home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we
were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four,
but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home again. "Mommy, Mommy," she
yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!"


"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she
yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the
other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank
top to reveal a pair of huge breasts.

"Very good," said her mother, somewhat embarrassed.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey," replied her mother, patiently. "It's because you're 25."

Answer 10

#1 I hear that Fed-Ex, and UPS are gonna Merge? It's gonna be called.....Fed-Up. #2 Ok, this guy walks into a bar and he says he just had his 1st B-Job, and he orders 12 Martini's. He gets asked why do you need 12? The guy responds...It'll take awhile to get the taste out of my mouth.......