B/f emotional/communicative clam. Appreciate any advice. Feel lost, and kinda unwanted.?

Question

My b/f hd a v. emotionally disruptive chldhd.He nvr learnt to communicate properly.but I nd tht in a relatnshp.He’s nt a big tlkr anyway. I’m fndg it hrd. A mutual frnd of ours says gettin anythng outta hm is lke gttng blood outta a stone(lke jst askng ‘hw’s u and hr going?’) I dn’t knw where I stnd with hm becoz he nvr talks abt hw he feels or anything, he gets defensive anytime I ask smething to do with us-he acts like I shld jst knw frm the way he acts-but I cn’t. All I see is someone who, likes me and hs a dirty mind and enjoys sex- I wnt mre of an emotional/mental connection. Sex dsn’t mean too much 2 me w/o it-I fl like we lack any intimacy.Hw do I mke him mre open to me? Ws lke ths evn b4 he wnt ovrseas on exchnge, he’s being faithful I knw. But I’ll write hm emails thru the day, kpng hm in touch w. wht I’m up to & I’ll get only a shrt email back from him.like no description,no real communication. I dn’t knw wht 2do or hw 2 gt thru 2 hm - I’m getting v. unhppy.

Answer 1

He may need counseling. A person can learn to communicate if they never learned before but they have to be open to this. Your
b/f's childhood and his defensiveness are not good signs. How invested in him are you? Do you love him? Even if he agrees to go to counseling, finds a good counseler (they aren't all good!), and starts to open up a little to you: are you prepared to wait 2 or more years until he's able to be mentally/ emotionally intimate with you. I don't know how old you are, whether you want children, or what age you want to be when you you have them; but those might be some things you want to think about in your decision of whether to move on or not. I would certainly never marry any one that couldn't communicate. However, I wish I had learned the truth of that before I got married! I had a very unhappy marraige but because of religious reasons would never consider divorce. Providentially, my X-wife had no such scruples and ended up divorcing me!
Of course, while I have been writing this, I've been thinking. By what you say and how you say it, you seem to be a bright, articulate, self aware woman. Also, you have a "dirty mind" and "love sex". Those are wonderful assets! I wonder, are you selling yourself short? Why are you reluctant to move on?. Do you know how many men would give their left testicle for you? If I was your age ( I doubt I am as I'm fairly old.), I would sure look you up. In fact, seriousely, the reason I took the time to try to answer your question was that you gave such a good answer to the person asking for tips on how to give good blow jobs. I thought ,"this woman deserves the time it takes to try and give a good answer". I don't say this to flirt with you but to let you know that good men can have "dirty minds" and love sex too.
I don't know if you believe in God or not, if you do, I would encourage you to ask him to bring a good man who's right for you into your life.
Ater my divorce I did a lot of reflecting on my relationship with my X and read a few books. One I found helpful and that I would encourage is: "Getting The Love You Want - A Guide for Couples" by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. In it he talks about some of the subconcious reasons we are attracted to the opposite sex and why they may cause us to make bad choices. He also talks about making a concious choice of who we date/marry of a person who would be good for us. I can't vouch for every word but I found it very helpful. God bless you. Remember God loves you and He is the one who created us and designed us to have sex with each other. Gives you something to think about, doesn't it?
In any case, I hope you found something helpful in this.

Answer 2

He is telling you in his own way his not interested in intimacy, getting to know you or anything else--hear me well YOU CAN NOT CHANGE A GROWN MAN THAT IS NOT YOUR JOB!!! Vaule the relationship for what it is and let him know you are wanting more end the relationship work on you not being so needy and if he wants you back then he will need to fill the requirements you set all or nothing do not settle.