Husband's family treats me very badly?

Question

I have been married to my husband for 23 years. In that time, his family has treated me very badly. I have been treated as an outsider. My husband has intervened several occasions to no avail. He has asked several family members why they treat me like this. He has not gotten a straight answer. If there is a family gathering, on several occasions they have excluded my whole family. He has called them on this and they have eluded to him that he is invited but for whatever reason they prefer I not attend. I have not done a thing to these people. I have not been harsh nor have I been mean to anyone. I tried for the first 10-13 years of my marriage to bend over backwards for them but still I am treated badly. Recently my niece has married a man who they treat the same way. They talk about him when he is not there but talk nice to him when he is there. I have witnessed this at a holiday gathering. He is no fool and I am sure he feels the samey way. My question why do they single us out?

Answer 1

It seems they are dicriminating you. I don't know if because of religion, or something, but for my reading this is the only thing I can see. You never did nothing to them adopt this attitude toward you.
I learned that marriage, unfortunatly, isn't always the union of two people, but 2 families....our family marry his family too.
Its hard being on your situation, as you said, you did your part, and if I am right about the discrimination, they saw your effort as a support to keep their attitude. I think there's things and people in our lifes, that doesn't matter how hard, right and perfect we do, just don't change...The things didn't get better between them and you, because this is not what they want and, as my mother used to say to me when I used to fight with my brother, and blaim him for the fight..."When 1 doesn't want 2 don't fight"...same thing on your case, if they don't want to keep things nice, things won't be nice. It's a relationship, it needs to ways...you can't date yourself, you can't marry yourself, both, need to be engaged on it, to make things work, otherwise, nothing will never progress.
You did your part, this is the most important, because you know for fact, you tried, you won't have this doubt bugging your mind. Now, let it go. If they decided being this way, just ignore them, but don't allow them to ofend you...respect is the thing. If they don't want to like you, that is their option, but isn't their option, not to respect you. Give them back what they give to you. If they don't invite you for their things, don't invite them for your things, after all, you and your husnband, have your own family, plus yours.
This is what I would do, after have tried get things resolved. I don't know if its right or wrong, because I didn't experienced that, but is the only solution I can think, on your situation.
Its like being with someone whom doesn't love you after you have done everything you could to gain this person's love...I would move on, leave him, and give myself a chance of receive back the love I am up to give.

Answer 2

If I were you I would be brave and go directly to the source. Make some muffins or a pie, something to get you in the door. Bring it over, be nice, they will have to invite you in just out to be polite, (do this during the day). Once you're in, make small talk for about 5 min., no longer and then be direct. Say, "listen, I'm just going to get to the point. It's been over 23 years that I've been married to..., and in that time I have experienced nothing but rude behavior from his side of the family. If it's due to something I did, or some instance that I'm not aware of I would appreciate you being up front with me so that we can resolve this once and for all. However, if the case is that you are just not fond of me..., I would appreciate you having enough respect for (husbands name) and atleast be mature enough to be civil and cordial during family functions. Your intentional behavior has not only alienated me over the years, but has affected (husbands name) as well. I am hoping that you are willing to be mature and open about this, if not for me then for (husbands name) and our family."...If this doesn't work, then I don't know what to say... Just remember to maintain a mature conversation, speak confidently, and don't be afraid of the out come. It's just like in high school when the bullies pick on the kids that let them. Don't allow the bullies to pick on you, stand up to them.

Answer 3

After 23 years of abuse why do you care? Sorry, but I don't understand. You can't make people like you and even tho your husband is part of the family they still talk bad about him, so its probably nothing your doing. Most likely it started out as a jealousy or 'mistaken' slight by someone. Perhaps you didn't say hello to someone 23 years ago and they thought you "thought you were better than them." Who knows, and more important after all this time and 13 years of trying to please these rednecks why do you care? Stay home and let your husband go to his family get togethers alone. When they ask why your not there, tell him to tell the truth. If they're offended its nothing you've done, is it? Good luck!!!

Answer 4

Well a number of factors can play into this mistreatment - r you and your husband of a different race, culture, region, religion, sociconomic background etc. People are superificial and 'anything' can be the wrong thing to them. You have to let go - grief for the type of relationship you wanted with them, let go and move on. When events come up and you are not invited then don't go or be brazen and go anyway. But do what feels comfortable and natural to you. You can not keep worrying about the why - that is between God and them - your part is to love them anyway but be not moved by their choices or actions.

Answer 5

They single you out, because they feel they have the power to do so....as a unit. I experienced the same thing where I am now....and I have no immediate family to run to. That's a long time you endured being treated badly by those people. I realized after one year that no matter what I did good or bad I wasn't going to be treated as one of them. One day I just told them straight up that I didn't need them in my life and that their opinion of me didn't interest me at all. I asked one particular aunt of my husband directly who the heck she thought she was. After that they would greet me or try talking to me...and I would just pretend not to hear them at all....I would send my family to their gatherings by themselves...but after a while my husband and children realized that I was right about their relatives being such terrible people. I am happier without those people in my life ...my husband is, too.

Answer 6

Are they snooty? Are you and your husband the same race? Are you different in looks - size, beauty, etc? Are you a different religion? Are you from a different background - social, religious, etc?
It doesn't make it right or make you feel any better but some families just don't like someone different than they are whether it be better or worse in their eyes. And this doesn't help either, but remember you're married to your husband not his family. I've been there too.

Answer 7

who knows, but as far as I'm concerned you've put up with it well, and it sounds like you've done all you can. If you can't see any reason why they're like this to you, don't let them make you feel bad - it's their loss - sounds like your husband is a pretty good guy and supportive.
wife

i think they are jealous, you guys have something they dont or you personally. your presence intimidates them and makes them feel uncomfortable. Making you feel like less of a person makes them feel better about themselves.
Dont give in to there shallow method of dealing with things instead treat them kind and show some interest in there lives.
husband

Answer 8

Let me tell you a saying that I have coinded, which pertains very well to this situation: "Aren't those who hate you, as much a testament to your character as those who love you?"

In other words, you don't want to be respected by people as shallow as they are.

I know it still hurts and I'm sorry about that.

Meet some sensitive people like you an me to spend time with. You married your husband, NOT his family. If he loves you, he will support you.

Answer 9

its sad and ignorant. some times people like that have no life or business of their own, so they judge the (outsider) and have issues that they create just to be able to communicate among themselves. that is their families unity. misery loves company, so do not try to fit in, that only fuels their fire. spend only the necessary time you have to with them. no matter what you do they will have something to say about you. but remember they will eventually need you for something. you cant change people, but at least you have the upper hand(you know where you stand with them) so now you know how to treat them.

Answer 10

Wow! This really hit home with me. My husbands family did the same to me until I finally left him after 24 years.

They do this to us because they can see how much we want them to like us, and because we bend over backward to try to please them. It evidently makes us appear needy and less important they they.

In reality, it's like what Dr. Phil says. "We teach people how to treat us". We taught them that it's up to us to make all the moves and do everything for them - while at the same time, expecting nothing in return. . . and that's what we get.

You can stop trying so hard to please and expect them to make some movements toward pleasing you. It will require your husband to stop attending their functions when you haven't been included........It can only workout with his cooperation. Because they do want him in their lives........ If they realize by insulting and ignoring you, they will lose him, they will soon learn to treat you as you deserve..
If he won't do that for you, cut your losses. It's an ugly way to live your married life out.