I have a 13 yr old son and WANT to be honest, but my instinct says..lie,lie,lie?

Question

I was an extremely wild teenager, bad home life, drugs, sex, you name it,I did it. Now, I have a teenaged son that I love very much. My husband and I do have a good home for him, and talk to him about anything, but now, he is asking about when we were kids..I do not want to lie to him, but how do I tell him the truth, sort of. I dont want him to know how I was. His father was my total turn around, and now I have to talk about it? Yeah, I know I shouldn't have been a drug addicted hoe, so now that thats out of the way, how can I be honest, without losing all respect from him, my son?
Just so you know, I was emmancipated at 15, and lived on my own. I had meth addicted parents, that abused all 5 kids, and they are now in prison. I raised one younger sister, and had to be an adult at 15.

Answer 1

We have been very lucky with our two children. I don't remember every telling our children lies, but telling them things that they can accept at their age. They now both know of our party lives, the deaths of our friends or accquaintances because of how we partied. Although we were not "heavy" partiers, we grew up with many that did. We (the now parents of two fantastic kids over 20) did many things that we should not be alive, and we told them everything we could of how lucky we are since in our high school gradutes consisted of:
kids that died in car wrecks - drunk driving
kids that died of overdoses - drug expermintation
kids that died of being dumb - sniffing rat poison thinking it was cocaine
kids that are quadrapaligic - being struck by drunken drivers

Like I said, we were lucky. We grew up in a SMALL town with very little crap we had to deal with like gangs and things like you had to grew up with. But still had to find out about life the hard way.

Our philosophy was to talk, talk, talk. Know exactly where they were 24/7. Have them "check in" every hour when they were at that we had questions about. When our children's friends came over, we MADE them check in with their parents. When we were asked questions, we answered them as truethfully as their age could bear. We would call the other parents before a "stay-over" when we were told it was ok with them and we made sure we met all of their friends. Although we have no control over whom, it would give us a better picture of what we were going to try to sway one way or the other.

IHOPETHISHELPS
Paul

Answer 2

i dont think u shud really tell him the truth, or just dont get too in depth with it, because sometimes kids tend to do things that their parents must have did in the past. It's kinda like they wanna experience the things u hav experienced even when they are really bad and regretful. U have to decide whether u want ur son to make the same mistakes u did or whether u dont want him 2 find out. I knoe how honestly is big part, but at the same time u wanna make sure abt da consequences.

Remember, he is a teenager and most mistakes are made when u are a teenager. It's like that era in life, where kids end up doing things that end up screwing their life up and as a parent, u gotta learn that it's ur job to prevent that. Whatever, u do during this era is gonna have a major impact on ur future. If u care abt ur son's future, plz dont tell him the truth.

If u feel obliged to tell him the truth, i suggest u tell him when he's mor older and understanding. Explaining things to a teenager can be hard, especially since their hormones are raging and unpredictable things occurr. I understand keeping the truth hidden and lying is the WRONG thing, but sometimes the truth isnt always the right thing, especially in the case of someone that u love dearly and u want them to have a great future.

No matter how understanding ur son is, i wont suggest telling him this, until he is older (more like a adult)

Answer 3

When your son is old enough you should tell him the truth. He will have a lot more respect for you because of it. However I personally feel that 13 is a bit young for all the details. As my father-in-law has said... "I had fun in high school and I had the grades to prove it." Stick to the basics, make sure he knows you weren't an angel and that it's okay to screw up once and a while... but also reinforce the importance of being a good person and staying away from drugs and alcohol... and all the other bad stuff.

Answer 4

The biggest mistake that parents often make is offering more of an answer then is required. When you discuss drugs with your son tell him what your concerns and fears are for him. Tell him the negative impact that drugs can have on his life, and the way that drug use will impact those around him. If he listens - you have gotten your message across to him without revealing your past. But if he says " Did you ever do drugs?" Be honest !! But only answer as much as you need to. I.E. "Yes son, I did and I regret my decision to do so." If he ask why tell him the negative impact it had - but you don't have to go into complete detail. I.E. If you ever had sex in exchange for drugs or money - he does not need to know this!! He does need to know that using drugs can and will lead a person to making decision that they will regret - that is if they are still around to regret them. This way you are honest with him. But you did not offer more info than was needed. I applaud you and your husband for getting your life turned around and caring enough about your son to be concerned. Good Luck

Answer 5

If you unload all that on him now it will be a huge burden to him. As parents we are to protect our children, even from our past. You tell him that when he is older you will discuss things with him. You can generalize, with something like, "I had a very rough time until I met your wonderful father, then things got much better." There are things about me and my past I shall never tell my daughter. I've had a lifetime to cope and heal, it would break her heart to know some of what I've suffered, she doesn't need to know. My job is to protect her. Simply because certain things are facts in your life does NOT mean that you need to disclose them. I would do it very slowly, over time, and I mean when he is closer to 20! Lead by who you are NOW, not what you were then. You were still a child, you didn't have a lot of choices. Don't think of it as a lie, don't lie, just be vague, focus on the positive. Your son's psychological fitness comes first. Your instinct is right on, you don't have to lie, simply be a good, wise parent and hold things for the next seven or so years.

Answer 6

Focus more on your husband's childhood. If he asks specifically about yours, tell him that you had to raise your sister (I'd avoid the drugs and stuff, focus on the good).

Tell him that your parents were drug-addicts, that you had to live alone at 15 and raise a younger sister. Tell him the good stuff that you should be proud of. That should help him know what to do. I wouldn't focus on your mistakes (I wouldn't even talk about them, honestly). He can learn so much more by the good you did. Go into details about raising a sister when you were 15, and how hard it was, and how you managed to survive (again, leave out the drugs, sex, wild stuff).

Answer 7

Seriously I would be honest with him. But be tactful as well show him how much you regret those things that you put yourself through and how bad it all was. tell him the truth but tell him in such a way as to make it a terrible thing, and when he asks you why you did it if it was so evil then tell him that was all you where taught and it wasn't tell you met your husband that you know any better but he knows better so he doesn't have to do the same things.
I think he'll respect you more for telling the truth and he'll be for warned of the dangers of a fast and loose lifestyle.

Answer 8

No preaching. I'm not religious, anyway.
Don't lie, don't tell him.

"Son, there are many things about our lives that we don't tell people about, partially because it will not serve any purpose.
I WILL tell you. When you are eighteen. When you are an adult and we are no longer legally responsible for you. At that time you can make your own decisions, and are mature enough to not choose your life based on us, but on yourself. We love you, and sometimes silence is the best way to show it.

Oh, but if you show maturity beyond your age, there will be no reason not to teach you about a lot of things, responsibly, of course; but your dad and I get to decide what is 'maturity', O.K.?"

Follow with poke in ribs or whatever passes for intimate funny action, or just a hug, if he's mature enough for it.

Good luck.

Answer 9

For the parts that you don't want him to know about just say to him, "I did somethings that weren't good and if not for your father I probably wouldn't be having this conversation with you" it is a bit harsh; but you're not telling him that you were hooked on junk or your sexual habits. If he should pry then just give him an outline or examples of other people portrayed in movies or if you live near a "bad part of town" take him for a ride there and point out things you know or have experienced.

Good luck and glad to hear that you have beat the beast too. :-)

Answer 10

That's a tough one. On the one hand, you don't want your son to think badly of you by telling the truth now; but if you lie and finds out later, he'll think badly of you for lying. Just try to be as truthful as possible when you do relate things to him keeping his age in mind. As he gets older and more mature you can choose to share more info with him and I believe you may find out he'll be proud of what you have managed to accomplish with your life after the start you had.....good luck!