How can I change my 4 year old boy's behavior? NOTHING works, spanking, time outs... nothing. HELP!!?

Question

My 4 yr old boy is awful. I am so stressed out right now. He says things like "you ruined my life", "you're the worst mom ever", etc. His mouth is worse than most teens! (He doesn't swear though) He cannot control his anger and I don't know how to get someone so young on the right track. I don't know where he gets this from, no one in our family acts or talks like that. He hits me and his younger brother when he gets really worked up. Usually children are afraid of their dad's, not him. He's not scared of anything! He hits things, slams doors and screams til he's blue in the face. He does this everywhere, even in the grocery store. I am embarrassed to have anyone over to my house or go to the store. I have tried time outs, spanking, taking things away, making him do chores and more. Nothing stops him. When I brought it up to his doctor he blew me off so I can't get help there. Any advice would be SO appreciated! Thanks all!

Answer 1

Perhaps your son needs more reassurance that you love him. His tantrums may be (however extreme) to get your attention. I have raised 2 sons and 2 daughters. New parents do not start out knowing the answers. Even experienced parents do not have the answers. One of my boys exhibited similar behaviour, although not quite to the extent you describe. When he is acting out, I suggest that either you or his dad take him into another room, hold him in your arms lovingly, and tell him you love him. This could take many times a day, for many, many weeks or months. You have to decide if your son is worth that much effort, and if you decide you love him enough (even if you do not like his behaviour) you will find the time and patience to follow though. When you loose your cool with him, call on the help of grandparents or aunts if there are any. Take a break away from the problem, and you may see it more clearly. You have a life in your hands, to mold and direct. No-one is going to love him more than his parents will, do this for him, do it for you and his siblings.

Answer 2

Try speaking in a soft voice, hold him, hug him, read to him. Even if he screams, continue reading maybe for 5 minutes. Then let him go, if he wants to leave.

Try this every hour or two. Don't take him anywhere or have friends over until this is corrected. Remember to speak softly to him, never raise your voice, even though this if difficult. Offer him a treat or a special toy--only in a soft voice. He will learn to listen, and hopefully stop screaming.

I really hope this works for you. Your problem is very serious and your doctor should not have blown you off.

I am a mother of three, grandmother of 11. So I have had lots of experience.

Answer 3

One, you're going to have to be consistent in everything you do. You may have tried everything -- but how consistently did you do these things? With a hardheaded kid like yours, if you so much as bend the rules ONCE, that's it. He'll know you're not serious.

Two -- get rid of the TV, if you haven't already. We do DVD's every now and then, but my daughter is a different kid if we let her watch regular TV -- sassy, disobedient, etc. And if he plays video games, get rid of those, too.

Three -- cut out all sugar from his diet.

Four -- his dad needs to MAKE him afraid of him. If my kid ever hit me and my husband found out at about it, she'd know what the wrath of God is like. If he's hitting you at age 4 and this continues, he's gonna beat on his wife when he's 34.

Five -- next time he starts mouthing off, soap works wonders.

Answer 4

This may sound kinda crazy but I watched this show called the Super Nanny and WOW!! Try the link below! She is absolutely amazing.. .I was saying to myself when I was watching her "that child is crazy there is no way!!" Sure enough when the parents did exactly as she said and didn't slack up... it really really help!!
One thing she really banging into parents head was when you are telling your child what they did wrong... Get down to there leave... bend over... look them straight in the eye... do NOT yell (it just makes it worse)... and tell them "(name)you just did (what they did wrong)... mommy/daddy doesn't like (what they did wrong)... you are going to sit on the naughty step/chair for 2 minutes!" DO NOT LET THEM GET UP! Every time they get up the time starts over...
Now when I was watching this show I saw the parents do it and I saw the Nanny do the "same" thing... The parents didn't work because they didn't do exactly what the Nanny told them to do...
Follow her steps! STEP BY STEP! BECAUSE ANYTHING IS WORTH A TRY!
GOOD LUCK!

Answer 5

First off....(((((((HUGS))))))) I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I bet it gets really hard on you. I don't have much advice other then you have to get a new doctor for him. If you can't get help or advice from him, then he's not a very good doctor.

I was having problems with my oldest son and when I talked to his doctor, he did some tests and it turned out he has ADHD. He's a handful to take care of, but thank god he's just hyper and doesn't act out that bad. I wish the best of luck to you and hope you get some good answers.

Answer 6

I would get a new doctor. I had a simmaliar problem with my daughter. 1st you need to pick one punishment. spanking or timeout what ever. I would go for timeout and grounding him from TV and games if he likes that stuff. The only reason I would go with that is that he has a hitting issue and when he gets spanked that reinforces that it is ok to hit. You have to be firm and dont cave in dont change stratagies in mid stream. when you find things he likes to play with use those as leverage If he hits he doesnt get to play with that toy. It will get worse before it gets better. It is possible just hang in there and stick to your guns. I have been through it and my daughter is getting better, not as aggressive anymore. She still has outburst but they are not as bad.

Answer 7

Consistancey.

Start out with a reward and punishment plan and stick with it no matter how much it kills you. I know that it can be hard but it cant be any worse than things are right now. Get him on a steadfast schedule of wake up, naps, meal times, bath time, bedtime etc and stick to it no matter what. Whatever you do dont yell. Train yourself that instead of yelling to change your tone of voice, speak clearly, firmly, let him know that you understand he is angry and why but that he needs to follow the rules. Then follow through with your punishment plan. This will work. You just need to be consistant! I know its hard.

Answer 8

It sounds like you might need to have him seen by a professional. There may not be anything "wrong" but at least they can help with behavior management. If your doctor can not or will not help - try looking under children's services in the yellow pages or call a couple of paediatricians and see if they can rec commend any local services.

Answer 9

damn... your kid is nasty... the only solution i can think of is to get him a nanny. and a good one. if you can`t afford one you need to talk to a specialist at social services. i`m not saying give your child up so don`t assume that. but if your child is a threat to you and your family, you need to do something immediatley. or take him on the maury show. 1888-45maury. that`s the number. set up a hidden camera around the house and record his behavior and give it to social services. they will know what to do. don`t spank your kids. hitting them won`t help. time outs won`t help either. taking things away from him won`t help either. it will only give him a reason to keep screaming.

Answer 10

It sounds like he has some major problems that need a doctor involved. I would stress to the doctor exactly what your son's behavior is. He may end up hurting his younger siblings if nothing is done.