Adoption - babies or teenagers?

Question

My husband and I are newlyweds, but we are thinking about children in a few years. We both want to have 3 children of our own and adopt one. I want to adopt a preteen, he wants to adopt an infant. My thing is that I want to take a child out of a bad situation and show them what love is and how life should be. He wants to raise a child as our own and tell him/her that they are adopted when they are old enough.

Does anyone have some pros and cons about either way?

**an update based on some of the answers so far**

The attitude or issues that we might face with a preteen or teenager isn't really a concern. We are both prepared to deal with it. We were both hell raisers growing up, and while we don't yet have experience raising children, we have the love, patience, and intent to make a better life for our children. I want to be a teacher for kids who need special attention, so this is something that I am prepared (as much as can be at this point) to deal with day in and day out.

Our main thing about adopting a preteen/teenager is that we would wait until our own children were old enough to know right from wrong, so that they don't pick up on the habits of a behavior challenged, adopted child.

Just the same, I'm only 20 and he's 24, this is years down the road. After having our own children, our idea of "what we can handle" may change.

Answer 1

How about a compromise and adopt a 7-8 year old? That way, you aren't getting an infant, and you aren't getting a teenager, but the kid would still be old enough to understand what is going on and young enough to shape and mold and to help through all those tough times. Sometimes a little younger is better, and usually they won't let you adopt a teenager unless you are old enough to have had one yourself. If you are talking a lot later down the road, then that would be fine.

Just know that what you are doing is wonderful!!!

My friend has to adopt, she is unable to have children and her husband was adopted as a teenager. He had some problems growing up and got into the wrong crowd and into some wrong things, but I think it was his environment. Not all are like that. He said that once he got into a stable home, and wasn't being bounced from one home to another that he settled down and was able to deal with things in his life. Both him and his brother were adopted by the same family- that hardly ever happens. That's something to think about to. If you end up adopting a teenager, would you be willing to adopt a sibling group so they aren't split up?

Teens and preteens can have some severe emotional problems and have problems attaching and dealing with having a permanent home. It's hard for us to understand what they went through, and how hard life has been for them, and sometimes we don't give them the time or option to deal with those feelings.

With an infant, you have to deal with all the baby stuff. Babies tend to bond better then a teenager, at an earlier stage then teens. They will love you for taking care of them and loving them more willingly. Infants are usually more expensive to adopt then teens are. Especially white babies.

Talk to your husband after you have had a few kids and then decide. You don't have to have it set in stone right now. Bring it up every so often and see what he still thinks about it. Have a few agencies in mind and then a few years before you want to start the process, check with them and see what the rates are and find out what they are able to do for you.

Adoption isn't easy, either financially or emotionally, so you need to understand what it will mean for your family. Only you can make that choice. Just know that either way, you are giving a child a chance at a better life that they might not have had otherwise.

Answer 2

I agree with you, with adopting a preteen. Those teens that I know that are adopt are extremely grateful, loving and enjoy their new families. Preteen don't always have a chance at adoption. Preteens are someone you can talk to and set a great example at life.

Babie are all fine and dandy, but they are more than likely to adopt. Just requires a little more time to raise them.

Have you thought about being a foster parent? It might work out better if you two have different views on adoption.

Answer 3

Infants are easier to raise then pre-teens.....as infants, they haven't experienced any pain or neglect....they won't question anything yet....and it would just be a lot easier.....and it would be like raising your own kids....but when you adopt infants, their parents may still be attached to them....there's no guarantee if they'll sign the adoption papers.....there are cases where the biological parents decided not to sign the papers when the child is finally born, leaving the adoption parents very hurt.....as pre-teens...they might already feel abandoned and hurt.....some may be rebellious and have an attitude....some might require a lot more attention....but if you really are doing this to help....i would say adopt a pre-teen.....and really focus on them and shower them with love and kindness......i'm very impressed with your decision to adopt kids....GOD bless you for everything you're going to do.....

Answer 4

definately have children before taking in kids that arent yours because you need your children to be older, for their safety. New kids coming in could harm yours if they are too young to protect themselves. Dont adopt. Be a foster parent. That is much better because if you and your husband cant handle it you can quit. But you cant dump a kid after you adopt them. Adopting older kids is hard to deal with. My cousin was adopted and he is fine now but has put my aunt and uncle through hell. He was 5 when he was adopted. He was a problem child in school and in life. he also got into drugs. Adopt either a baby under 2 or be a foster parent to older kids.

Answer 5

well the fact that you guys want to adopt is very kind of you. i think it would be more challenging to adopt a teenager but at the same time more rewarding. there are tons of people that want to adopt babies, but not many people want to adopt teens. so teens sit in the adoption home for a long time thinking that nobody loves them which in turn makes their attitude even worse. it would be so nice of you to take them out of that situation and show them that life isnt all that bad and they can be loved. if you are up for the challenge i say adopt a teenager.

Answer 6

I see both i want to adopt a teenager because my biological kids are preschoolers but you want that little baby also to feel there brand new i think i would go with the preteen because hardly anyone wants to adopt big kids any more i feel so sorry for them so yeah it would have to be teenagers or big kids.

Answer 7

congrats on your marriage and for wanting to adopt, you both have good points so why not compromise and adopt a child who is not an infant , but not yet a preteen, a toddler who has had a bad experience (i.e. abuse, abandonment) would probably make a good adjustment with time and TLC. Good luck!

Answer 8

My aunt and uncle were foster parents. They took both small children and teens; they even had a teenmother and her baby once. For the most part, the kids were good kids, most were appreciative of everything. Some were angry, but that is to be expected to a point. But she also had her share of troubled youth. Stealing, running away, even had one that accused my uncle of sexual abuse. I agree that children need to be rescued, but I'm not sure I personally don't think I would have the patience to deal with some of the kids my aunt and uncle received at all hours of the night. I agree, it takes someone VERY special to deal with the needs of some kids, young and older. Whichever you choose, good luck.

Answer 9

it dont matter if you give birth to a child or if you adopt, as long as you show that child the love and attention he or she needs, i dont really think it will matter to them or you if you think about it.

Answer 10

VERY GOOD THING, U R MAKING A LIFE , GO AHEAD, MY BEST WISHES WITH U AND UR FAMILY