This is so unexpected. Our daughter is shy, very pretty and is very sensitive and vulnerable regarding her friends. We are upset and angry. She is very down and closed right now.We do not want to push her away from us yet we want her to realize that this action has serious consequences for her. Any advice or helpful info, please.How do we punish this?
2006-06-24 04:50:02 · 25 answers · asked by bluelake 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
This is a tough one. Your daughter may well be caving into pressure and the desire to be accepted. She may well be uncomfortable and regretful about what she has done. At this point, I would move away from the idea of punishment per se, although stricter supervision is obviously a must. The thing she must learn is that all actions have consequences. In other words, her actions have shown you that she is not able to make good decisions on her own, so as a consequence, you are going to have to put limits on her freedom until you are sure that she is capable of taking better care of herself. You are also going to need to do a lot of talking and listening. She may well point out that not everyone considers oral sex to be real sex (look at our past president) or that it is not dangerous because she can't get pregnant. You need to think carefully about what you are going to say and how you are going to support your arguments. This is going to be difficult, but try to get past your own anger and disappointment so that you can open up the channels of communication. The teenage years are difficult and filled with incredible and unexpected pitfalls. Your daughter needs to know that you love her, even if you don't love all of her choices.
2006-06-24 05:07:05 · answer #1 · answered by just♪wondering 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Why would you punish your daughter? What is that actually going to achieve?
By the sounds of it she has regretted it and I don't think you can make her feel any worse by punishment.
I have to ask.....How did you find out?
There was a programme on TV recently that said there was a new trend with youngsters to have parties and perform oral sex on eachother. This was usually forced and if the child didn't perform it they were bullied and ridiculed. It disturbed me that youngsters were using sex as a weapon against eachother.
You say your daughter is now down and closed right now. It is no wonder really. She is obviously confused and upset by the whole thing.
Be patient with her. Be her Friend for a while and not a parent and listen to her. When you have heard the full story, you can then return to parent mode and offer her guidance and advice.
I wish you luck.
2006-06-24 11:59:46 · answer #2 · answered by Gillipoos 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
By trying not to shelter her. Keep it open and to the point. Obviously she's more out there, sex wise, then you would like to admit. No doubt this action of hers was contemplated with her friends. Remind her of STDs and teach her a little bit more regarding self respect. In the end it will still be her choice rather she does it again or not and no amount of punishment will stop that. So at least become a parent she can confide in not one that she feels she has to hide from and keep things secret ;)
2006-06-24 11:59:30 · answer #3 · answered by Give em hell kid 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Was the act on male or female?Surprised I would say female?Don't be...those things do happen.Find the person she did it to and tell the person to stay away.YOU have to do that.
It's not too late to have a birds and bees talk with her.The main focus is talk to her but maintain the control of the conversation as you are the more experienced person in the matter.Have the father sit in as it's his responsibility also.Will be awkward at first.Let the talk session go slowly.she may be afraid to tell you something you already know as it is undiscovered territory for her.
There should be no physical punishment but banning her from certain things may be called for .
Also understand that she may become the subject of ridicule for what has happened by those who find out from the recipient of the act.
I could think of more.....but your the parents....your child and know her best.....
2006-06-24 12:06:55 · answer #4 · answered by Jedi 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you should do the unexpected. Instead of punishing her, sit down and calmly tell her why it is wrong and why you're disappointed in her. Try to make her understand why this is inappropriate behavior for a 14 YO girl. I think you should also ask her how and why it happened. Maybe you don't know what's going on with her right now.
2006-06-24 11:55:53 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First sit down and talk to her maybe there is a serious reason behind what she did. Explain to her that she can still catch diseases that Way because it is sex. Then for your sake and hers take her to the doctor and get some real advice and have the talk she probably really confused now and that is why she has shut down. she is also embarrassed so don't just yell and scream talking is the key.
2006-06-24 11:59:12 · answer #6 · answered by chandra k 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is not punishing behavior. Firstly do not get mad about it be dissappointed. She needs to be educated about sex and masterbation. Sit her down...(you not the father) and let her know that you are not angry. You were suprised and angry at first but now you are just worried about her. Let her know that it is her body and that sexual curosity and experimentation is completely normal. However oral sex can spread some times of STDs. It can make it seem like sex is not serious. But as a woman you know that sex is very emotional especially for women. If you occasionally cry during sex let her know about this, it is very common for women to cry. Actually the same hormone released during childbirth oxytocin is released during sex to form a bond to her partner. Losing a child and your first sexual partner can be comparable attachment wise. Let her know that she can ask you questions about sex and you will be as open and honest as you can. You will also take her to a gynocologist for her first pap smear....and non-parent involved sex education she can ask them what she needs to know. You should reduce her time outside the house because let her know that 14 is too early to truely consider the ramifications of sexual activity. I would not ground her exactly but if she normally spends 5 hours at the mall. You could let her spend two hours. Encourage her to get into student activities like soccer, science club, ect. Give her priviledges back as it seems that she confides in you. Ultimately it is her body and this is relatively normal behavior. I would not encourage the behavior....but encourage open communication. Let her know about your first sexual experiences if you feel comfortable.
2006-06-24 15:11:37 · answer #7 · answered by mandolinatou 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you should be thinking of punishing her. She didn't shop lift, she engaged in a sexual act and punishing her for it is just going to enforce in her mind that she can't come to you and be honest about sexual matters.
You do need to talk to her and find out why she decided to have oral sex. Be open and understanding - let her talk and don't talk over her. Talk to her about the risks of sexual activity - let her know that she can still contract std's from oral sex. She needs to know that she doesn't have to perform sexual favors in order for guys to like her. Taking her to your obgyn for a sex talk/checkup might also be a good thing. She may not listen or believe you - but hearing things from a doctor might make it stick in her head more.
She just has to understand that oral sex isn't bad - but that it should be done with someone you love and are committed to, not just a random boy. She also needs to understand that her sexuality isn't "bad" and that she can trust you with all her questions and count on you for support. When she can trust you and knows you are honest with her, she is more apt to listen to you when you warn her about not having sex, thinking about the reprocussions, etc. Good luck with this and try to be sensitive to her - even though you want to punish her, really think about it.
2006-06-24 12:10:23 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
tell her my story i am 20 years old i have 2 kids i had my 1st when i was 14 my second when i was 18 it is hard every day i didnt finish school my whole teenage years were taking away dont get me wrong i dont think i would change anything other than finishing school but i like to talk to girls around her age because i dont want them to go through what i did and i would tell them if you think about having sex come take care of my kids for a week you will change your mind as far as punishment if you try to be to hard she will just do something worse maybe she just wants attention if you think she is still going to have sex get her on birth control
2006-06-24 12:04:47 · answer #9 · answered by shayfrmr 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i know what you are feeling but think about it for awhile before doing any thing that you are going to regret it after i think your daughter needs your love more the punishment just be your friend now more a mother and talk it to her about sex and why not it is a good idea to do it right now and ask about her friends and be on top of her subject and watch her closely and make her trust you so she can listen to you more than she does her friends and good luck.
2006-06-24 12:01:34 · answer #10 · answered by vina770 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋