should i leave?

Question

I found out my wife had cheated on me in '98 and it was 2 days before my second child was born, i don't wanna believe my first child is from her infidelity, but it is possible. she had lied about it until i had proof and confessed what she did. and even up to 2 years later was still lying about it after her confession. i don't love her anymore and have told her this, but living w/o my kids will kill me, not to mention financial issues. i still live in the house but am miserable unless i am with my kids. i also had done something i never thought possible, i developed deep feelings for a woman i met online who lives in another state, and she is unhappily married. my wife had told her husband about this situation and it has not been good for her obviously. I don't think i can ever trust my wife again and not sure if i will ever love her again. i came from divorced parent's and hate the thought of being a "weekend Dad". either path i take i will lose it seems....

Some of you should read this a little more slowly, she cheated in 98, i found out in 2003 by the scumbag's wife and she confessed after 5 years of lies, which she also continued to lie after she said she told me everything . The woman i have feelings for may or may not work out, but i know i am wrong for have gotten involved, but it happened and i can't change that. I am not forcing her to leave her husband, it will be her choice, and have already discussed that if we met while married, it would be just that, no sex. People will believe what they want to believe, but if anyone here knew me they would know that my word is very important to me, and will not go back on that. I do thank everyone that has given me their opinion, all of them, they are valuable.

one other thing, my children are THE most important thing to me, and to anyone that says otherwise about them F YOU, nobody here knows how i feel about my children, they ARE my world........

Answer 1

Wow! a lot of issues here. First, for your part, you need to end this other relationship....you are using this as a security blanket just in case yours doesn't work....and then what will you have? two miserable people trying to make each other happy---it will not work. If your kids are truly the most important thing in this, then they need to be everyones first regard. You and the wife have a lot of issues that are not going to be fixed immediately, so take a break and a breath, and start over......find a counselor (preferably a Christian) that will walk you through this slowly and heal the wounds, mend the heart aches, and allow you to begin again. Your kids are worth it, and you can do this!

Answer 2

Hi There, I'm heart broken by your story and you have already answered all your questions. If you don't love her anymore there is no reason to stay. Your kids will feel your sadness and they will learn the wrong things about relationships by your example. Marriage is about more than love. It's also trust, which you do not have, respect which she doesn't have for you or she wouldn't lie, and communication. It looks like that is gone to. I always want the happy ending but yours will only come when you separate. Do not see the married woman until she is divorced or you are doing the same thing. Do things in the right order and get the life you and your children deserve. I do agree with all the people that said you should get the paternity test. Don't pay child support if you don't have to. You can still love the kids like your own and give them everything your heart desires on your terms if they are not yours. My parents were divorced too and as much as I wanted mom and dad married, I wanted them happy more. Good luck to you. Donna

Answer 3

DISAGREE: Ya know., I guess I just don't agree with the don't stay in it for the kids comments. I think ANYbody can work through ANYthing as long as both are willing and there is no abuse or your life is in danger or something. That isn't mentioned in your message - other than the fact that you're falling for another woman online?!?!? and NOW you don't know what to do. It wasn't back in 98 you didn't know what to do.. it's now that you're in love with another woman.. good grief.

SHAME: This may sound harsh, but I strongly feel that the both of you disgust me! You should both be ashamed! You should both say your apologies.

OTHER WOMAN: The other woman in another state has NOTHING.. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with this situation - drop her from the current equation. You have children and you have a wife. Whatever your decision is, it should not involve this other woman at this time - regardless of whatever her situation is.

EXCUSES: When you say the other woman is in the same boat and blah blah blah., all you're doing is making excuses and trying to make reasoning behind ditching your wife. AND - you - know it.

COUNSELING TO SAVE THE CONTRACT: I suggest you go to counseling - lots of it.. whatever it takes. You both signed a contract for a reason.

PRIORITIES: The funny thing is that I know you won't listen to a gdam word I say coz you've already got your heart set on another woman and it honestly sounds like your kids aren't on the top of the list; It sounds like you are.

This marriage is doomed and so could be the next one at the rate you're going. And so are - probably your children if you don't CHANGE your priorities.

Right now.

Answer 4

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. To be fair. Two wrongs does not make a right. Regardless of what your wife has done to you. Regardless of how unfaithful she has been and to include all the lies. You are still married, whether or not you in this other woman have ever met. You have committed adultery in your heart. Not to mention that she's also married, probably has kids as well.
I would advise you to deal with your martial problems first. You need to make some decisions, and make them fast!
As for the kids are concerned. You can move out or do whatever you chose to do and still see your kids just as much as you see them now. Or seek full custody or jointed custody living near by. I believe that's just some excuse you have created in your mind. It's really good to read you want to be with your kids and love them that much. The fact of the matter, you are still married to your wife. Regardless of what's going on between you and your wife. Back on the subject of this other woman. If the two of you were to leave your spouses, get together. How would you know you'll be able to trust each other? After all, when your present marriages got tough you found yourselves comforting each other. Get my point?

Answer 5

Have you tried to go to counseling? First for yourself, then at least try to save the marriage. You need to communicate. You're ego was hurt when you found out your wife cheated on you. I am sure you stay for the kids, but how must your kids feel when you show your wife so much anymosity. Your kids love both of you, and I am sure they feel the tension. This is no good for them.

Therefore, you need to either get marriage counseling, or at least start with counseling for your self and try to work things out, or you should move out, not too far from home where you can be a part of their daily lives.

Also, having met this woman over the internet may have a lot to do with why you are feeling the way you do towards your wife. Your wife is a human being, she cheated, you need to find out why. Has she done it again? This is why counseling is important before you make a harsh decision and change your life completely.

As for this other woman, you don't truly know her. You just know what she tells you on line. And of course, the grass is going to be greener on the other side of the screen. You know what you have at home, do you want to risk it?

Please think about it. I will pray for you.

Answer 6

I know exactly how you feel. I found out my first husband cheated, and I stayed, unhappily. I stayed because we had a baby together, and I didn't want her to come from a broken home. But I was just denying the fact that it was already broken, when he cheated. So I left. It ended up better for her that way. She has a much happier life now that I don't have to look at his lying, cheating, ugly face every day. It's better for children to be from a broken home where both sides are happy, than to be in a hostile home where everyone wants to be away from each other.

As for the other woman. Stay away from that. Let her know now that you're not going to ahve anything to do with her anymore until she gets her current life straightened out. Don't forget that there was someone who came in the middle of your marriage. You don't want to be that person in her life. You have to think about one thing. If your wife had been faithful, would you two still be together and happy? (Assuming that's the only reason you two are no longer "together".) Let the other woman know that you care for her, but you can't bear to break up her marriage the way someone else broke up yours. If you really care for her the way you think you do then would you really want to mess up her family?

I think the best thing for you is to get out of the situation you're in now. And don't try to get back into any relationships for a while. You need to focus on getting your life straight and keeping your relationship with your kids strong before you can bring someone else into your private life, especially someone that has major issues also.

Answer 7

What's to say you have to be the weekend parent. She is the one who cheated on you. That doesn't make her look good at all. Ya know this day and age more men are getting the custody of there kids. It's some thing to think about. But staying with her just for the kids isn't good either. Kids are so smart these days and they also are caught up in the fighting etc, etc. It's better for them to be away from all that. And the old saying once a cheater all ways a cheater. I wish you the best, and want to say I'm impressed that you want to be with your kids so bad. Most men would be out the door before it even shut. That's a great dad and your kids are very lucky.

Answer 8

First of all, look at all the answers, go to counseling, talk to her, work on it, WTF! What a bunch of crap!!!!!! If you think the first kid is not yours go get a test done and find out for sure. If you love the kid does it matter anyway? I have not been in you position, thank god, I don't know how I would be able to cope with my wife cheating on me, Sorry to here that. I don't think I could love my wife anymore if she did that to me. I know living without my kids would tear me up to, but, I think it is something you must do. As far as the married chick goes, you are doing to her husband what the guy with your wife did to you. Don't go that route, I know why you are doing it, but don't. Do not degrade yourself to the level of your wife and your wives lover. Stay proud; set an example for you children. Finally to your last statement, yes you are going to lose something, in this type of situation you will always lose. It is a no win situation, the question you have to ask yourself is, how can I lose the least amount, but most important, ask yourself this, What can I gain from this, how will my children be happier from this. Looking at it this way I am sure will be easier than looking at it as a loss. If you continue to chat with this other MARRIED woman, you will lose your self respect, and that my friend will be the biggest loss. Stay strong, do the right thing for you and your kids!

Answer 9

It looks like you don't have a marriage anymore and both of you aren't even motivated to work on it. You are already cheating on your wife emotionally (because you're still married to her) and you also said you don't love her. And just because you developed deep feelings for another woman, doesn't mean she'll leave her husband for you. I think you and your wife should seperate first and then if it turns out you're both happier that way, then file for divorce. You can always see your kids. But your wife has the right to see them too. You can get a lawyer and/or go to court to figure out the visitation rights. It's not healthy for the kids to see their parents living together and angry at each other because kids do FEEL the tension and stress that's going around in the household, even small babies! They even react to the stress by their behavior. I bet you felt the tension going around between your parents before they got divorced and it made you angry. It's better to be alone and healthy than to be sick in a relationship.

Answer 10

Sorry, friend, the only advice I can give is, LEAVE HER. She was unfaithful, that's one thing. Lying about it for 5 years is something else entirely. I could never live with someone I couldn't trust and it's obvious you can't trust her.

If you're worried about child support, have DNA tests done on both your children, find out if they're really yours or not. I know emotionally, they are your children, but you mentioned financial considerations and if you don't have to pay child support for children that aren't yours, then don't. Or conversely, when you divorce, go for full custody. If she's as big a slut as you seem to be saying she is, bring that up in court and they will not leave the kids with her. Unless theyre not your kids per the DNA tests.

Answer 11

you should not stay in a marriage just for your kids. If you are not happy and don't love your wife anymore then it is time to leave. I understand it is going to be hard but eventually everything will work out for the best. Your children also should not be in a home where their parents are not happy with each other. That is only going to confuse them and cause a lot of stress and tension in the household. Everybody probably hates to think about how they could live without being able to see their children every day, but one day they will grow up and be able to understand why things happened they way they did. I know, if I knew I no longer was in love with my husband and had no desire to stay in the marriage, I would leave. It would be hard, but you need to realize you are doing this to better your life. Your children will one day be able to understand. Good luck! Hope for the best not the worst!