I am God. If you have faith in me you go to heaven. If you test me you don't have faith. Do you believe?

Question

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's *** with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ***?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ***, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the **** out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropists. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever he wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss his ***."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ***?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's *** with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's *** often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the **** out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ***, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's *** for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's *** He'll kick the **** of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss His ***?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ***. Other times we kiss Karl's ***, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ***. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ***, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

From the desk of Karl

1.
Kiss Hank's *** and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2.
Use alcohol in moderation.
3.
Kick the **** out of people who aren't like you.
4.
Eat right.
5.
Hank dictated this list Himself.
6.
The moon is made of green cheese.
7.
Everything Hank says is right.
8.
Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9.
Don't use alcohol.
10.
Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11.
Kiss Hank's *** or He'll kick the **** out of you.

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the **** out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary: She blushes.

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary: She looks positively stricken.

John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary: She faints.

John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you where one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the **** out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's *** for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

Answer 1

sadly, many naive people will follow false leaders like this.we have too many cults like this,going on in our country.how many people have been led to their death, because some radical, sees it fit to take money from his flock, and return swine for his money.whenever we have a man,proclaim he is God,we will have a cult.how many cults,such as Mormons,use this logic to fleece the flock.people are free to worship as they please, but someone must be held accountable for this travesty.
God Bless

Answer 2

Some people should have to take an aptitude test before getting a yahoo account.
IT WAS A PARODY OF CHRISTIANITY. It may have been a little hard to understand because f**king idiot doesnt know how to do this : kiss Hank's a$$, or kick the s h i t out of you, but aside from that I thought it was pretty funny. It wasnt COMPETLEY accurate, but funny nonetheless.

-J.

Answer 3

Dear Gandalf,
You are making an all too common mistake and confusing God with religion. God gave us some rules to live by for our benefit, but religion turned them into "spanking tools" that they use to control others. That is the primary reason Jesus had to come to this earth besides to die for our sins as the ultimate sacrifice, putting an end to the "law."
I believe that most religions "THINK" they are doing right, but they are not following the Spirit of the law. The law is good for giving you a firm foundation, but if you stay in the foundation, it will dry and crack around your feet, and you will not be able to build your spiritual house to protect you from the coming storm.

Answer 4

each person have sinned. Jesus paid the penalty of lack of existence for our sins, and become raised from the useless which will have wish of being raised from the useless. i'm putting forward this, because the reason we ought to continually no longer attempt God is becasue we are justified through our faith in God. we are examined for our faith. And at the same time as our faith is examined it turns into genuine, because we were waiting to be content textile, and chuffed in circumstances the position we would were un-chuffed, and desiring. God grants for us living water, and we can drink and be chuffed. we are meant to do what's low priced and in charge, and use the substances that God gave us. So using with our eyes close is a stupid component to do at the same time as God gave us the miracle of imaginitive and prescient. i do not bypass round attempting a number of dare devil stunts to work out if God will come through. He comes up with a good number of genuine circumstances the position i favor to trust in Him. do not you do not ignore that there are Christians who've conquer sin, and are free from the bondage of sins that they were before in bondage to? and they stroll holy and innocent. Jesus become tempted in the desert and devil informed Jesus, tell those rocks to reveal to bread, or provide way from the temple and note if the angels capture you. He refused and quoted "thou shalt no longer tempt the lord". How am i able to assert i'm more advantageous than Jesus?

Answer 5

That's brilliant. Art to the highest degree. I loved that and I'm adding it to my Watch List just so I can drop by and read it again every now and then.

Answer 6

You just summed up everything that is wrong about religion with that little expose! An eloquent allegorical question Magneto.

Answer 7

That was actually pretty funny. So where do you think we came from? We just exploded into existence? We evolved from protozoa. Nobody really knows. It's all just faith, regardless of whether you believe in God or evolution.

Answer 8

If you wrote that you are obviously your own GOD, do as you wish the money is already yours. But know this I Infinite mind have found you and understand exactly your pain, and so I ask you to give it to me for I believe in you.

Answer 9

Story way too long, man. Did not finish reading it. Go to some writer's workshop. Didn't get to any connection with the question. I don't believe in you as God and am not scared.

Answer 10

that's quite a scenario. mary and john are the biggest problems of any religion....fanatics.