Best one Wins!
Here's mine:
During the course of regular Mass a Roman Catholic priest elicits liturgical responses from the worshippers. At various points during the service the priest will say: “The Lord be with you.” The congregational response is: “And also with you.”
Once, during a routine Mass this priest, not sure whether the microphone was working, was about to recite his regular “The Lord be with you” when he tapped on the mic and muttered: “There's something wrong with the mic.” Back came the congregation, "And also with you."
2006-06-23 19:47:14 · 12 answers · asked by ginevra1weasley 3 in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
Well, that's not a bad start...are there any more?
2006-06-27 15:48:44 · update #1
God and St. Peter were playing golf one day. St. Peter teed his
ball up and hit it. It was a real nice shot about three hundred
yards down the fairway.
Then God teed his ball up. He took a big swing and hit it.
At first it looked like a real nice shot. Then all of a sudden,
it hooked and started for the woods. Just before it went into the
woods, a bird flew out and grabbed the ball and flew over a
water hazard and let it go.
Just before it went into the water, a turtle surfaced. The ball
landed on it's back as he swam to the shore. Just as the turtle
got to the shore, a squirrel ran out of the woods and grabbed the
ball. Then the squirrel ran up on the green and dropped the ball
in the cup. A Hole-in-One.
St. Peter turned to God and said, "If you're going to cheat, we can quit right now!!"
2006-06-23 20:01:28 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The book of Mark?
A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, ''Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark''.
On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, ''Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands.''
Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.
Then said the preacher, ''You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark.''
dougdoug
2006-06-23 20:24:09 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Three golfers walk up to the pearly gates and with their heads bowed down, St. Peter asks nonchalantly, "Golfers?" --to which they all nodded in agreement.
And he told them to "Go ahead, you've suffered enough..." [*Laughter and snickers*]
As the threesome walked in they found themselves standing on a tee mound overlooking the most gorgeous sight they've ever seen:
Down below was a manicured island green about 212 yards out in the middle of a gorgeous, sparkling blue lake... and it was surrounded by the whitest strand of beach all around, contoured by a lush forest of evergreens on rolling slopes off to the sides...
It was a perfect, windless golf day with a smattering of clouds overhead...
And one of them was quick to observe and said, "Aah... THIS must be heaven!" To which the next guy quipped, "But you haven't even hit your tee shot yet, fool!"
That's when it occurred to them that they were in Hell.
Hahaha!
2006-06-23 20:43:29 · answer #3 · answered by Arf Bee 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hehe, good joke. I'm not a Christian, but I used to be. In discipleship class waaaayyy back before I became a missionary and then came home, etc, etc, etc..I remember reading this joke in one of the books. It has been my favorite. Hope you enjoy it, too. And thanks for sharing laughter by telling a good joke.
--------------------------
A man was having a conversation with God. He turned to God and asked "God what is a million years to you?" and to that God replied, "It's like a minute." The man then pondered and then asked "God what is a million dollars like to you?" To which God replied "Like a penny." Then there was a long silence and the man sat there pondering his next question. Finally the man spoke up and asked "God can I have one of your pennies?" to which God paused and then replied, "In a minute."
Peace be with you.
2006-06-23 22:07:03 · answer #4 · answered by gabriel_zachary 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A little boy told his mother that he spent the day with his friend ANDY. His mother said you don't have a friend named Andy. The boy said you told me I did, the guy who died for my sins. The mother said that was Jesus! The little boy replied, then why were you singing, Andy walked with me Andy talked with me, the other day?
2006-06-23 19:54:45 · answer #5 · answered by ☼Jims Brain☼ 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Bulletin Bloopers and Blunders
(A compilation of actual Church Bulletin and Service bloopers)
* Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's use the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club. All ladies wishing to become "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Today... Christian Youth Fellowship Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A.B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet": in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* The associate minister unveiled the church's new giving campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* "A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife."
(BibleNet)
Hope these help ....... refreshing to see a nice young lady asking for Christian humor, instead of the trashy questions so many teens ask in here.
God Bless you.
2006-06-23 20:09:53 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
be careful here girl, youll get lots of nasty answers and comments from evil guys. go to a christian site instead. here is like armagedon. if you have a weak christian faith, youll end up loosing your faith. but if youre strong, you can handle insults here. GOD BLESS you.
2006-06-23 19:56:27 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
A priest, a pedophile & a drunk walk into a bar...
...and that's just the first guy!
2006-06-23 19:52:23 · answer #8 · answered by der_grosse_e 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
TOP 3 WAYS TO KNOW YOUR IN THE WRONG CHURCH.
3.THE SERVICE IS B.Y.O.S.(BRING YOUR OWN SNAKES)
2THE USHERS ASK YOU IF YOU WANT TO SIT IN SMOKING OR NON-SMOKING.
AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON TO KNOW YOUR IN THE WRONG CHURCH-THERE IS AN A.T.M. IN THE LOBBY!
.
2006-06-23 20:28:46 · answer #9 · answered by M.Garcia 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When the animals came to Noah they all came in pairs....except the worms... they came in apples :)
2006-06-23 20:00:19 · answer #10 · answered by Tom C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋