My boyfriend and his friends all are intelligant bilingual people from Europe. I am American, speak English and know very little Russian (their prefered language). When invited to social gatherings with more than 5 of his friends, they feel more comfortable speaking Russian as opposed to English. They try to make me feel comfortable and talk to me (in English) sometimes but they know I don't understand Russian. I feel upset when they don't speak in English more when I'm around. I love my boyfriend, we've been together for more than 3 years, but this is an ongoing problem. Is it rude of them to not speak English when I'm invited to their gatherings, or am I being rude complaining to my boyfriend every time we're with them? Is there a solution to this?
2006-06-23 14:56:08 · 27 answers · asked by Carrie 2 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
I'd say they are being just a little rude by speaking their native language and excluding you from the conversation. What are you supposed to do - sit there and twiddle your thumbs?
There are a few solutions for this problem:
a). You can talk to your boyfriend about this and tell him how it makes you feel then come to a solution together.
b). You can keep your feelings to yourself and be miserable when you go out with him and his friends. (This is not really a solution at all, but it IS an option you can choose).
c). You can learn Russian so that you can communicate with them.
Sure, they feel more comfortable speaking Russian, but they should be trying to get to know you if you are in a committed relationship with their friend.Think about it - if you marry this guy and invite his friends over for parties and such - what are you gonna do when they are talkin' their talk?
My suggestion would be to talk to your boyfriend about this and tell him how it makes you feel - ask him to translate for you when he is in a conversation with his friends. If you are really serious about him, though - learn the language. How else are you going to be able to talk to his family and friends if you end up marrying him?
2006-06-23 15:09:59 · answer #1 · answered by ♥Melissa♥ 4 · 6⤊ 0⤋
Yes it is and no it isn't. My best friend is from Sri Lanka. If he is with his friends and family, I have no problem if they are speaking Sinhalese and I don't know what they're talking about. It's quite interesting. I will never learn the language, but it's interesting to hear others communicate. English is taught in Sri Lankan schools, and most of the population speaks English. He was schooled in England also and speaks far better English than most Americans. We constantly correct each other's grammatical mistakes. So it's not a matter of can he or can he not speak English. It's whatever is comfortable for the majority involved in the conversation. If I want to know something, I ask what that person said.
Suppose you were in Russia and the roles were reversed--most of your group speaks English and a Russian friend didn't speak English. Would you stumble through the conversation in Russian, or revert to English because it's more comfortable for you in your native language?
I guess what I'm saying is this...if EVERYBODY in the group can speak a common language, then that should be the language spoken. If the MAJORITY of the group is more comfortable with one language, then that's the language that should be spoken, or switch back and forth between the two languages. But don't deny other people their culture and language. It works both ways. If you are that uncomfortable about it, then maybe you shouldn't join your boyfriend when he's around his Russian friends--this really shouldn't be a monkey wrench in your relationship. Personally, I think that would be a waste if you didn't join him. He needs both you AND his Russian friends. Maybe he can teach you some simple Russian conversation. When you meet a new Russian friend, learn how to say in Russian, "I don't speak your language, but I am very happy to meet you." It would show that you are open-minded and eager to learn. And learn some simple phrases like THANK YOU, YOU'RE WELCOME, GOOD-BYE. English is my native (New York) language but I can't speak Southern (even though I do like grits!!). I hope you get my drift.
2006-06-23 23:02:35 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Technically, yes it is rude. If there is a common language, that all can understand it should be used.
However, when people must use their second language for long stretches at can be mentally draining. People will naturally revert to their native language, as fatigue sets in, or the booze comes out.
There is a trick to this, if there are more than 5 friends, the odds are they will break off into smaller groups holding different conversations, float among the different groups.
I know that when I'm in the Netherlands, many of my friends do the same, and it drives me crazy too. They will speak English to me, then turn around and speak Dutch to each other.
Choices:
You could learn Russian.
Gracefully leave early at the gatherings
Float around, and start up one on one conversions
Cut bate, and trade in your boyfriend
Learn to live with it
2006-06-24 02:18:13 · answer #3 · answered by Robin 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
If you are going to THEIR gatherings, you should be tolerant of their language. I say....if you love your boyfriend...learn Russian, even if you break up...you just learned a foreign language. I can understand if you were in a line and two people were talking in another language while making fun of others around them...how that is rude, but when in Rome....do as the Romans do. This is a similar kind of situation where if foreign people come from other countries to the US, and they expect us to speak in their language. Even though your boyfriend and his friends are in the US...they are in the privacy of their own group where they can speak any language they want. Remember in that situation...you are the intruder, not all of them.
2006-06-23 22:04:48 · answer #4 · answered by asmul8ed 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
No, it is normal to feel somewhat uncomfortable when there is conversation going on around you and you cannot understand nor involve yourself in the main conversation. It is rude that they do not take your feelings onto consideration. It would be no different that if it were the other way around. They too would feel exactly like you are feeling. Explain it to your boyfriend, if they do not want to include you, maybe next time you should bow out and let him have a night with his friends. Invite them over to your place if that is an option. Good luck.
2006-06-23 23:26:30 · answer #5 · answered by oman396 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is not always rude to speak another language in front of sum 1. If u translate it when ur done, its ok but if its constantly like how ur bf iz doin then it is kinda rude. I speal another languuage but when im with my fwendz, i try to speak as much english as possible. In ur case, u r not being rude at all. If they all speak english, it would be alot better if they could speak it while u r around. If 1 of them, for example, doesnt speak English that well, its maybe an exception. but if they all speak perfect english, then they should try to speak english in front of u and only speak russian when its just them.
2006-06-23 22:05:30 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If they know you're not comfortable speaking Russian, then yes it is rude of them to converse in front of you in their native language, even though they may just be doing it because it's more comfortable.
I would let your boyfriend know it bothers you, and then take a class or get an English/Russian dictionary and start reading! It never hurts to know more than one language, and the earlier you start the better chance you'll have absorbing it faster.
2006-06-23 22:02:27 · answer #7 · answered by Luann 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
If you are out numbered by the amount of people speaking Russian then it is not rude at all. Ask your boyfriend to translate for you, or try and learn the language. My husband is German and speaks mostly german to his friends, so I took a german language coarse and now I can understand and converse in German. Think of it as a learning obstacle
2006-06-23 22:01:29 · answer #8 · answered by angel 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yes, dear I think it is very RUDE of people, in general, to speak in a foreign language in front of others that dont understand the other language.
I especially HATE this when im getting my nails done and all the nail tecs are from Vietnam and speak consistantly in their native language. Not only can I not understand them, but it is very annoying feeling left out of the conversation. And I think thats what your getting at.
In your situation, you feel left out of the conversation because you dont understand. Next time, I would take my boyfriend aside and ask him politely to speak in English and to relay that information to his family. Kindly say that since you dont understand what the family is talking about, you feel very left out & you want to feel included in the conversation. If he loves you, he will comply.
2006-06-23 22:18:11 · answer #9 · answered by sexygyrl 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It is a very common problem in multi-lingual society. If you are the only one not familiar with their language, they can't enjoy their gathering by speaking your language only as they are not very good in your language. They show concerns by speaking to you often and in your language, they are considered quite considerate. It maybe an over-demand that they must treat you as guest of honour to only speak your language in the gathering.
So, the only way to get into their circle, is to speak their language.
2006-06-23 22:12:41 · answer #10 · answered by A. Francis 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋