can some one please tell me a good joke?

Question

i dont care what kind of joke, long or short, it dont matter. i just wanna laf.

Answer 1

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Answer 2

Coming Home Late

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs,
I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL
wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up
the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands
on my wife's a_s_s and say, 'How about a B_J?' ... and she's always
sound asleep."

Answer 3

a woman was speeding to work when she got pulled over. the cop said where are you off too in such a hurry? the woman said im late for work. the officer asked what she did for a livin. she said im a rectum strecher. the officer looked puzzled and said how do you do that? she said well you start with one finger then two then your whole hand till there 6 foot. the officer said what do you do with a 6 foot rectum. she replied you give it a radar gun and a badge.

Answer 4

There once was a man from Nantucket who crossed the road to sell a frog in a blender to the farmers daughter.

Enough said.

Answer 5

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Answer 6

2 goats broke into a movie theater and started to eat the films.
Goat1: How's the movie?
Goat2: It's ok. I like the book better.

Answer 7

i just received this joke from a text message..

there is this boyfriend and girlfriend..
bf: "hon, let's do 69!"
gf: "what is 69?"
bf: "it's easy.."

then they positioned theirselves..
while in that position, the boy farted 4 times..

then the girl reacted and said "omg! i cant do this anymore! i cant take anymore the remaining 65!"

lolz..

Answer 8

the Toronto Maple leafs

Answer 9

a guys mom has ilegal drugs and puts them in choclte brownies for her 2 year old son after that he was crossed eyed bill

Answer 10

Joke #1

Two sausages in a pan.

One sausage says, "Boy is it ever hot in here!"

The other sausage says, "Oh my god, a talking sausage!"

I love that joke. It is so stupid.

Joke #2

Two penguins sit in a bathtub, one says, "Pass the soap."

The other says, "what do I look like, a typewriter?!?"

I like that one too... because it makes NO sense.

Joke # 3

The FBI is hiring and they have three potential recruits.

The first comes into the office for his final interview. They give him a gun and tell him that his last task to get into the FBI is to go into a pitch black room and kill his wife. He goes in and ten minutes later comes out saying, "I couldn't do it." and went home.

The second comes into the office for his final interview. They give him a gun and tell him that his last task to get into the FBI is to go into a pitch black room and kill his wife. He goes in and 2 hours later comes out crying, "I couldn't do it, I love my wife so much!!" and went home.

The third comes into the office for her final interview. They give her a gun and tell her that her last task to get into the FBI is to go into a pitch black room and kill her husband. She goes in and 3 hours and some noise later, comes out sweating and saying, "Damn blanks in the gun, I had to beat him to death with the chair!"