My son's father was VERY abusive to all of us.My oldest has ALOT of agner and hate towards him. It comes out in hitting his younger brother and pushing me. He was kicked out of school for 3 days because he punshed a girl in the eye.My oldest is only 6years old.I have put him in counseling and that seems to help out. But some days he is even worse then the day befor. I am going thru court getting custody and child support. His father want to have both my kids for the whole summer and alot of holidays. The counselor I take my oldest to has already said "HELL NO"
Only supervised visits. How can I make my son understand that he wont be hurt anymore.
2006-06-23 09:38:53 · 10 answers · asked by rose_mc_mo 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I have taken some action to try to do things with my son. We do cub scouts and we go on mom and son dates. The thing is that his father doesnt want anything to do with my kids.He is only trying to make himself look good to the girl he ran off with.My oldest wants nothing to do with his father.I dont blame him.Everything we all went thru is hard to deal with.I have even got myself intyo counseling.Why do some men feel that it is ok to abuse thier family.
2006-06-23 09:56:54 · update #1
Hi.
Very very fragile situation. My first impression before I even read your story is: please deal with your anger towards your father, let it go, and let your son know that you have forgiven your father for whatever he may have done to you to allow you to be angry at him; (2) get into your own councelling sessions, the BEST you can do for your son is to allow him to see, know, and feel it in the way you live your life, comment about his father, yours, and men, close to you, friends, strangers and men in general.
This is no joke. Please. I am in the "althernative healing" business although not a councellor by trade or qualification, but it is my first impression, now for the rest:
(1) Very brave and extremely good move to get your son into councelling. Well done. Now pat yourself on the back for this. I bet doing this for him was not easy. So you deserve a little thanks from me and from yourself (very important, more so than from me!). Go have a massage and relax. Reflexology, a facial, something relaxing that you would enjoy and can afford. Even a special soak in the tub, like "tonight is my night, I did really well and am going to enjoy this bath and know it's special." Every bath is, but delux this one. Light candles, switch the lights off, get some bath salts or something you like, or aroma products. You deserve it.
(2) I have to say, the councellor has a detached view of your situation and it would be a good idea to take her advice. Be objectively (I know it's difficult) discerning on all information you receive about this.
(3) Get some PTSD councelling meaning post traumatic stress councelling. After such an ordeal, you should all have this councelling. Kids, you, even close friends. It can have a debilitating effect.
(4) As my gran (an angel of a woman!) used to say "Smile, and the World will smile with you."
Good luck. Send me a note anytime. Let me know how you're doing. The more people you have around that you allow to care for you, the better. Rely on yourself and take what's given to you with a smile, then you are giving something back that doesn't cost in terms of money. You are strong enough to get through this, and don't ever believe otherwise. Get help where you need it, but you're human, you have your strengths and your weeknesses, and that's OK. Strengthen your strenghts and work at your weeknesses, eat properly, sleep well and enough, and take some rest, study/work time, and chilling with the kids and have LOTS OF FUN!!!!
Good luck once again.
___________________________________________________
So how are you doing? How's your son, and how's the advice on this question here sitting with you?
Light and Luv.
Light W.
2006-06-23 10:00:29 · answer #1 · answered by Light W 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Oh honey, I've been in this boat...I lived that life & it is NOT easy. We also had the supervised visits with Child Protection Services (1 hour a week). It's a hard, hard thing for the kids AND for you as the mom. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
My son ended up turning to drugs. He has been clean & sober for a year now (he's 18)...he did the anger thing too. I called the cops on him when he bowed up to me. Hardest thing I've EVER had to do...it about broke me. Where you are is such a hard, hard place to be, but the hardest part is NOT being able to help him. As far as counselling, if he's totally against it and you take him anyway, chances are it won't help. I know that's not what you want to hear, but I've experienced it. They have to be willing to be helped in order for it to help. All I can say is be there for him, in time it WILL get better - but it may get worse before it gets better. Honey, my heart goes out to you...I wish you both the best...I wish I could make it all go away for you.
Make sure you take care of YOU too....it can be overwhelming for us as the parents - please find someone to talk to for your sake. Don't be too proud, or try to do it on your own, reach out - after a while, it gets to be just too much - trust me, been there...
Hugs, Marilyn
2006-06-23 09:46:43 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
my partner works for CASA--and thus she sees this situation a lot in her social work (CPS, Court, Counseling, etc.). I have a lot of anger and love for my father, but my situation is a bit different. They had custody battle when I was 5-6. You might consider no just tryiing to redece the anger--it may take years, but trying to work with it. See if he wants to do martial arts: this allows a safe way to learn about physical firce, controlling it, and using it for the right reasons. Does he like guitars or drums? I play guitar, and it's an emotional vent for me. There's a lot of ideas, but seriously thyink of karate and other physical sports--the right place could be a really good way for him to vent and control anger.
2006-06-23 09:50:39 · answer #3 · answered by Drew 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
just keep talking to him and tell him that daddy has things he needs to work out and that u are going to be there no matter what, and if he needs to talk that Ur there. I'm with the counselor, he has enough go on without his dad filling his head up with things, and u don't want Ur son to grow up like his dad being abusive. maybe u should put him in kick boxing or karate so he can get out he anger in a safe place
2006-06-23 09:54:27 · answer #4 · answered by sos 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that if he can see his mom in some healthy friendships - particularly with nice caring males - that that might make him feel more secure. Perhaps if you became involved as a coach in AYSO soccer? Lots of nice dads there. Your boys need to have a good picture of men. And they need to feel secure.
He also needs to have it modeled that women don't necessarily choose abusers to befriend. He is at risk of repeating the pattern. Showing him that men and women can interact kindly and smartly...a huge gift.
That's great to hear you got yourself into counseling! Can't believe I didn't mention that. Sheesh.
2006-06-23 09:44:58 · answer #5 · answered by HomeSweetSiliconValley 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
o that's a big one, your gonna need some time but look you need to find what they have in common but see my little brother has this same problem. he can not seem to for give my father for what he has not been "a father", so ask your self has your husband been a father and should your son be around and learn the things not to do when he becomes of age.
2006-06-23 09:44:29 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
thats something that will probably take a good amount of time to deal with. especially being that young. he was shown anger and rage real young and now he's dealing with life the way his dad dealt with things. just continue counseling and just love him. don't dope him up cause that will just screw the kid up worse. he needs to have another man in his life that can be there for him and show him that he won't be hurt anymore.
2006-06-23 09:46:12 · answer #7 · answered by thevoicesjustgotlouder 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well the counselor is right only supervised visits. but w/ all the hurt your ex did to him has really destroyed him inside and you just need to love him, and make sure that he knows he being loved by the only person that truly will love him no matter what he does. but it's goin to take time to heal a heart that has been abused by one of the ones that was suppose to love you and not bet you. but he just need loving. and teach him that fighting and hitting is not the key to anything. but if he doesn't want to see his dad then do by his wishes. that could just make him more vunerable. tell him his dad is a bad person by doin that but doin that to others is hurting them and by doin that his hurting them and his self, i know that he's just 6 but if you keep saying that to him it'll stick w/ him. and that by hitting other people is not solving what happened to him, if you have any ?'s here: hunnybuns_smw_8907@hotmail.com
Eskimo
2006-06-23 09:59:49 · answer #8 · answered by Eskimo 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
never say anything negative about his father to him and love him keep telling him that hitting is not a good thing try to get him to express why he is so angry even if you no why tell him it's OK to be angry teach him to recognize his anger and new ways to deal with it(for me i right it in a book some how it works for me)
2006-06-23 09:48:08 · answer #9 · answered by we_c_it 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
try to seek a family counseler,or at least inqiure for yorself,so u can help him
2006-06-23 09:43:55 · answer #10 · answered by bless 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋