I'm black, my now ex boyfriend is white and a racist...help?

Question

I had to end a relationship with a man who was in actuallity very good to me personally. I was the first black lady he had ever dated. As a matter of fact he proposed and I had to decline. If I had accepted I would be wife number 3. He’s fairly well off financially and very generous, but that wasn’t my reason for dating him. Initially, I adored him as a person. But here’s the problem he is ridiculously jealous. He is 19 years older than me, which I think contributed to his insecurities and he’s also pretentious. But the biggest problem is that he’s a racist. He is outwardly prejudiced towards Black men more so than any other group. He has made rude and inappropriate comments. Once when he thought I wasn’t listening. I over heard him using the “N” word with a few of his friends.

. He always makes an issue out of relationship. For instance, while we were in Aruba we went out for ice cream. I ordered chocolate because it happens to be one of my favorite flavors. Gosh, who doesn’t like chocolate ice cream. When he ordered his, he insisted on having the “chocolate and vanilla swirl because he prefers it that way”. By the way, it wasn’t a menu choice, he finally settled on Butter Pecan. Another example, while in Vegas we stayed at the Belagio and our housekeeper was white, he kept the room spotless. A few weeks later he took me to the Bahamas for my b-day, our housekeeper was black, and he completely trashed the room (it was embarrassing) and when I questioned, his response “ let the fu#king maid clean it”. When we go in public, if a black man walks by, he has to pull me closer or say something to make it known that we are together. As if people are blind and can’t see for them selves. What do you all think?

BY THE WAY..HE STILL CALLS ME AND LAST NIGHT SOME TIME AFTER MIDNIGH HE LEFT A NOTE ON MY CAR..HE LIVES 30 MINUTES AWAY.

YES, I did confront his on his behavior. However, Like most repeat offenders, they apologize and promise not to do it again. Until the next time...so on and so on...

Answer 1

You are much better off without him. Maybe he was nice to you but if he was constantly disrespecting others of your race then that is just hurtful and wrong. And who knows how long it would have taken him to start treating you badly? (And by the way, I am a firm supporter of interracial relationships, so I'm not implying you shouldn't go out with a white guy again.) Hang in there and you'll find a guy who deserves you!

"he cant be to racist if hes into black women"
Wow, that's an ignorant comment. I know this is not a pleasant thing to bring up, but slave masters used to often rape their female slaves. Does that mean they weren't racist? You can think someone is attractive but still feel they're inferior to you.

Answer 2

First of all, it sounds like he has a self esteem problem if he is overly jealous and needs to make some comment in public about you guys being together. He needs help for this problem and nothing you do can change that. Second, if you would have been wife number 3, then what happened in the first two marriages? It takes two to tango and when a marriage ends, they both had something to do with it ending. The whole racist thing means he is a stupid idiot and has some kind of issues with people who are different than himself. He may have had a bad experience with a black guy or that is how he was raised. Who knows what is going through his head. He needs help for this problem too. If he really loved you and respected you then he would have made more of an effort to be more open minded and get help for why he feels differently toward others not like himself. I would stay clear away from him. He will only break your heart and besides do you honestly want to associate yourself with someone who dislikes people because of the color of their skin or their different social status?

Answer 3

I have been in your shoes. I know exactly what your going through. Let me first say that you declining his proposal was the smartest response to him. It appears to me that he was the type of man that since he did have money, he made it an issue to show it. As you said, he was very insecure, it could have been due to the age or even more so to the fact that you and he were a interacial couple. Did you ever talk to him about his response that he had made? I feel that if you would have made him accountable for the responses that he made, he would have then felt the pain that you are expressing. As for my incident, the man that I was with was wonderful to me and I thought that he and I were going to marry until I seen how he felt about my boys. See I have a fully black son, 1 son that was bi-racial and then he and I had a child. He was very insecure also, he would say things as you had discribed plus, he didn't like the fact that he had to help take care of them. In reality, he didn't help me with any of the children. He was very petty about everything. He would use the excuses that he was an only child, that he had got on drugs when he was 9 years old and that his father didn't spend quality time with him and the list went on and on. He had physically abused me in front of the boys, I had to say enough was enough. I packed our bags and I left this fool. I wasn't going to have this man disrespect me, my boys or resent that fact that he has a bi-racial child destroy me. The day that I left him, was the day that I felt free and open to me again. No more do I hurt, feel angry or feel alone and discouraged. I am married to my first love and he and I are talking about him adopting the boys. My youngest son's dad hasn't seen him in three years. I thank God every morning and every night for the blessing that he gave me to get away from the hurtful person I was with.

Answer 4

wow..that guy really has some issues....im white n my boyfriend is black but there is none of that going on neither me or him are racist....i dont understand how it is he can b wit u and b so racist? girl u need 2 say somtehing 2 him..its not right..n im pretty sure that it makes u uncomfortable when he says these thing...leave him along thats rude n immiture of him..as u sed he probably does have som insecuratie problems being that he is 19 yrs older than u...ur still young find some 1 else

Answer 5

How can the guy cheat and you have a black infant. the newborn got here out of your physique so it had to be you who cheated. possibly your gay then i'm no longer even specific what befell. yet whilst your a woman and there advance right into a black guy in contact, regardless of secure practices it nonetheless might have been the black adult men infant. Portection doesnt constantly artwork you comprehend.

Answer 6

What an a**hole! Good for you that you declined the proposa; because it shows that he is disrespectful. And anyone that is disrespectful to where YOU came from will then later down the road will be more of a jerk. So ditch the guy cause girl you can do so much better!

Answer 7

If he was racist he would not be with you. I am probably more racist then him and i don't use the n word out loud.

I think thats how he deals with it and hes doing an alright job. it could be much worse as history has shown.

If you are offended by the n word then you are getting soft.

I have dark skin but i am not black. I would rather be called the n word then the bs i get like.. sir, buddy, dude. man, mr.

the n word represents strength.

Answer 8

He must have an extremely bad experience with regards to race. But according to some academic & non-academic essays and research (I just don't have the exact reference list right now), most (if not all) individuals and groups have their own levels of discrimination towards "others". So, racism is as normal as our varying colors. Just relax if you feel being fair to all the colors, and varieties.

Answer 9

I think he is horrible. Black people are people too. You deserve better then someone like that. I also undertsand everything that you are saying. My sister went through something very similar but alot worse. If you would like to know about it and think it may help you my screen name for yahoo, AIM and MSN is cconium.

Answer 10

What is the problem? He may be racist but you two arent together anymore... do you want him back? (If so, why?) Is the problem he is a racist? You can't change someone who doesn't want to expereince the growth. Are you still connected to him (socially, work)? If so, why? You can't change him, he is an ex.... move on. a