Who knows the best Joke?

Question

I'm picking whoever makes me laugh the hardest

Answer 1

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex
standing in the foyer of
the church staring up at a large plaque. It was
covered with names with
small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque
for some time, so The
pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and
said quietly, "Good morning
Alex." "Good morning Pastor," he replied, still
focused on the plaque.

"Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor. The
pastor said,"Well, son,
it's a memorial to all the young men and women who
died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the
large plaque. Finally,
little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling
with fear, asked, "Which
service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

Answer 2

During the big DUI Dragnet, a Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.
He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The Patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise the man blew a 0.00! The Patrolman was dumbfounded! "This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the Patrolman. "I doubt it," said the drunk, "tonight I'm the Designated Decoy!"

I thought it was pretty damn funny!!!

Answer 3

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

Answer 4

This is your Captain

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge **** out for dinner.... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot 's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.
She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a s_h_i_t first."

Answer 5

A drunk stumbles into a church and heads straight to the confessional. The priest on the other side is waiting paitiently for the drunk to say something, but all he hears is a few grunts. So the priest knocks on the panel and clears his throat. Still nothing. The priest knocks again. Still the drunk doesn't say anything. So the priest knocks pretty hard now.
This time the drunks slurs back, "Pal, I understand your frustration. There is no toilet paper in this one either".

Answer 6

Two guys strike up a conversation at work and it turns out that they are both golf enthusiasts. They decide to go play 9 holes during their lunch break. After about 6 holes their play slows down due to the two people ahead of them taking their time. One guy decides to walk over and ask the couple of they can play through. He returns a few minutues later and explains that he was unable to ask because one of the women was his wife and the other his mistress. The other guy gets quite a chuckle out of the awkwardness of the situation and volunteers to walk over and ask instead. He returns even quicker than the first guy who asks him if they are good to go. The guy shakes his head and simply says "Small World."

Answer 7

Two guys are walking their dogs down the street. One guy has a doberman and the other a chihuahua. They pass by a bar and the guy with doberman wants to go in and get a drink. The other guy doesnt think so because they have thier dogs with them. The doberman guy says "Ive done this before, just copy what I do."
He then puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks through the door. The bouncer stops him and says:
"Sir there are no pets allowed in here."
"But this is my seeing eye dog" replies the man.
"Oh well, go have a good time then." says the bouncer.

The other guy puts on his sunglasses and walks through the door when the bouncer stops him.

"Sir there are no pets allowed in here".
"But this my seeing eye dog".
"A chihuahua?" asks the bouncer.
"A chihuahua? Those bastards gave me a fu####g chihuahua?"

Answer 8

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an
interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in
the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, the other day I was
playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the
corner, and my cat went ‘ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!’ and before he
could say ‘**** OFF!’ the dog ate him!"

Answer 9

a woman was speeding to work when she got pulled over. the cop said where are you off too in such a hurry? the woman said im late for work. the officer asked what she did for a livin. she said im a rectum strecher. the officer looked puzzled and said how do you do that? she said well you start with one finger then two then your whole hand till there 6 foot. the officer said what do you do with a 6 foot rectum. she replied you give it a radar gun and a badge.

Answer 10

atecher asked his student -if leave the romm and be back again with 20 pound ice in my hand---then yu should tell what is my age--one student stand up and says 32 year-teacher surprised and asked how yu guess--that right--studenr reply that my younge brotheris abonal -he is 16--he talks just yu --and he is half mad