URGENT: i need a really funny joke, QUICK, PLEASE?

Answer 1

The USA will win the world cup the next time, guaranteed

Answer 2

During the big DUI Dragnet, a Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.
He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The Patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise the man blew a 0.00! The Patrolman was dumbfounded! "This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the Patrolman. "I doubt it," said the drunk, "tonight I'm the Designated Decoy!"

Answer 3

14 Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out


14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in from Langley, VA.

13) You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.

12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere."

11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she
learns you're worth 45,000 points.

10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."

9) Your cyber-lover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.

8) Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.

7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms.

6) You can barely make out your S. L.'s face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats.

5) He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.

4) Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!@cyber-promotions.com has become cold and distant.

3) She's suddenly changed her address to [e-mail]

2) Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious [e-mail]

1) In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.

Answer 4

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

Answer 5

A drunk stumbles into a church and heads straight to the confessional. The priest on the other side is waiting paitiently for the drunk to say something, but all he hears is a few grunts. So the priest knocks on the panel and clears his throat. Still nothing. The priest knocks again. Still the drunk doesn't say anything. So the priest knocks pretty hard now.
This time the drunks slurs back, "Pal, I understand your frustration. There is no toilet paper in this one either".

Answer 6

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an
interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in
the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, the other day I was
playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the
corner, and my cat went ‘ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!’ and before he
could say ‘**** OFF!’ the dog ate him!"

Answer 7

a woman was speeding to work when she got pulled over. the cop said where are you off too in such a hurry? the woman said im late for work. the officer asked what she did for a livin. she said im a rectum strecher. the officer looked puzzled and said how do you do that? she said well you start with one finger then two then your whole hand till there 6 foot. the officer said what do you do with a 6 foot rectum. she replied you give it a radar gun and a badge.

Answer 8

OK, hope my boss forgives me for this one and i promise that this really is just a joke so i hope it doesn't offend anyone......

a father is being investigated by social services for child cruelty. they send in a social worker who is going to observe the father for a day.

she says to the father, "I'd like to see you feed the baby" and he does this to her satisfaction. she then requests that he changes the baby's nappy, again, no problem with this, so she says to him, "go upstairs and run the baby a bath and i will be up in a minute to see how you are both getting on"

5 minutes later, she enters the bathroom and the dad has got the kid in the bath, but the father has his fingers in the baby's mouth and is pushing him around in the water.

the social workers says "my goodness, i have never seen a baby bathed liked this before, why on earth have you got your fingers in his mouth for???"

the father replies "you would too if the water was this *******" hot!!!"

Answer 9

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What exactly did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around'"!

Answer 10

God told Adam that he would give him the perfect woman, He said she will have a beautiful face, long flowing hair, and the perfect body, and she would obey his every command. Adam asked How much will this cost me. God said an arm and a leg, Adam asked What can I get for a rib?