How can I be less dependent on my boyfriend and expect less from him?

Question

I feel like I suffocate my boyfriend. I always want his time. I'm in love with him and when he doesn't want to see me I get genuinely upset, even though I hide it. I feel like I have to wait for him to call me during the day and wait until he's ready to see me during the week. We have a great relationship when we're together and I see a future together, however, I feel obsessed, and I hate it. I think about him all day long, dream about him and hope to see him. How can I get my mind off of him? I've been doing more work at work and spending time with friends, however, I always want to put him first...and that's definitely what I don't recieve from him. I'm up there on his list for we see each other ALOT but I always feel as if I'm inconviencing him by calling him at work or asking him to come see me. How can I just accept everything, get my mind off of it, and just respect how good of a relationship it is?

Answer 1

These are two issues wrapped into one. Let's untangle them.

1)Dependency. Sex is the most powerful emotional force a non-mother can have. So, it is easy for someone to "always want" a sip from this amazing fountain of pleasure. Find 1 or 2 other interests that really turn you on (sports, photography, acting, your education). These interests will counterbalance your need to always want your boyfriend. Its truly a great feeling when you can be in the midst of something fun (like singing with a guitar, for example), and then stop and realize that "hey ... my girlfriend's a babe too!" When you can keep your relationship always as the icing on the cake and not the main thing you are focused on in your life, then you'll find things go much better - much sexier and much smoother. This is a lesson some people never learn - enjoy learning it.

2) Balance. You sound like you are a bit hyper about your relationship right now. Perhaps 'playlogin' is right. But perhaps, you are (to use an old phrase) "unequally yoked". Could it be that you very much dig your boyfriend and he only moderately likes you? Are you a hang out girlfriend, or a girlfriend that pretty much gets sexually attacked and consumed when he has time to see you? In other words, when he's with you, does he really dig it, or is it just a hang? Again, this is a tough question. But also again, its a question most people never get around to asking. Relationships never work when one person is crazy with love and the other is low key and just hanging out. Learn to spot the signs now, and learn to cut loose early - before years go by and it is extremely painful to break up after you see that this guy will never give you what you want. (This is a hypothesis. Your guy might be perfect for you. The important issue here is "balance" or equality of emotional ardor.) You want to be the center of a guy's world. Some guys just aren't like that. Look at the "balance" and "equality" of emotionalism in your relationship.

Answer 2

The first person you should always count on first and foremost is yourself. It's just like when you take a plane somewhere and they go over the safety routine. When they say if you're sitting next to a small child, put your mask on first should the pressure drop in the cabin, then help the child put their mask on. The reason is that if you're incapacitated, you can't help the child. This is also very true in life, though you won't see those masks just pop out of your desk at work. ;)

You should be able to rely on your boyfriend as well as your friends, but you should be able to count on yourself the most. Keep getting more into work. Keep going out with those friends. Don't wait for him to call...he will if he loves you. Try joining a club or involving yourself in an activity you truly enjoy. When he sees you're happiness doesn't solely revolve around him, he'll feel less suffocated. And you in turn will fill more happy and fulfilled.

Answer 3

As a guy who has felt the same way about a girl and had girls feel the same about me, I'd like say that maybe these things could help:

1. Find activities that you genuinely enjoy (emotionally). It has to be something that really gets you stirred up, not just entertainment to pass the time. Your boyfriend will want you to have this too, not only to give him more space, but also he will be attracted to someone who loves something. It could be anything.

2. Identify what it is exactly that you like so much about being with him or talking with him. I hate to question your love and introduce aa chance of it being infactuation, but if it is indeed infactuation (being in love with the idea of being in love), then perhaps there's really nothing you can do about it. Time will heal it. Are you under the age of 25?

3. Talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel and ask him what you think you should do. It's important that he knows how you feel and how you think. Yes, that makes you very very vulnerable, bbut that's what love is. Willingness to be vulnerable. Opening up. If you're already dont this, then perfect. Continue.

That's all I have on the top of my mind. Hope it helps.

Answer 4

Just get your mind off of it by immensing your time with work, girl friend fun, and maybe working out. I feel the same way about my girlfriend but she is an indepedent, non-clingy type of person. It just takes time to get over that obsessed feeling. You have a great relationship. Just try and spend time doing other stuff. And remember, never be dependent on your significant other, because if something actually goes wrong, you will be in for a whole lot of hurt. (just playing devil's advocate). Definitely try to get your mind off of him 24/7 even if you do love him.

Answer 5

it is difficult to be rational when in love.
i was the same and still am a bit like that. it is like an addiction..
i feel it feels so easy to just keep waiting for someone and keep thinking about them. it doesnt demand much from us while it takes our mind off other things to do. while we we get the oh so romantic i am in love feeling and feel as if we are doing a great thing pining for our love.it is escapist.
i think we are conditioned into this by the mush we see and read in movies and books.
i started looking at my relationship in a more practical way -try to work at your relationship as if it were a project at work which demands time management and setting priorities.i got rid of the extra romance from my system. love is a part of life .it is not the be all and end all.
and nurture yourself. develop an identity and interests of your own away from the relationship aspect.you have to think for yourself and get space for your activities.
all the best

Answer 6

You have some genuine insecurity issues that you need to face. It would seem you have a fear of abandonment, which cannot be solved by merely keeping buisy with work and activities.

To address this issue, you must seriously examine your past and your family life. Are your parents divorced? Was your father present through your formative (0-5) years? Did you face a serious trauma that would have affected the way you view your relationships with men?

I would suggest you look into a therapist to help you discover the underlying issues that are responsible for you extreme insecurities and obsessive behavior. You do have the power to change, but you must be prepared to work at it by chipping away at your past.

Answer 7

Stop living for him, you will be much happier. If you find you have to fight for his time, and HE makes you feel like when you call him it's a hassel, or missing him is an annoyance to him then, maybe your relationship is not what you think it is. If it is that way then you are just a matter of convienance to him. If he likes it when you call him at work, and misses you as much, then chill out, because guys do not think the way women do. We miss our guy and want to tell them all the time becasue we think it makes them feel loved and appreciated. Our guy likes to here we missed them, followed by now that we r together want to catch a game and a beer? (Just an example)- If you want a sensitive guy that just gushes everytime you say "Baby I missed you" then you should probably look for a more sensitive guy who loves reading, poetry, and walks in the park. Bottom line, re-evaluate your relationship, and if you are an inconvieanance to him, then move on, if it is true love, then just relax and be happy you found a good one:)

Answer 8

Find your own hobbies and interests. Start hanging out with your friends more. DON'T always put him first. Guys want a girl who's interesting and if he has to work a little to fit into your schedule that'll make him want you more. If you can't stop calling him, start leaving your cell at home. He'll wonder where you are.....I wouldn't call him at work anymore and let him suggest dates at least half of the time. It may be hard not to think about him while you're doing your own thing, but you'll get through it. Nobody likes to be smothered and you may ruin your relationship if you don't make some changes.

Answer 9

it is natural to want to be with the other person- but at least you see the warning signs- you are going to push him away if you cannot give him some room.
I guess the question is: why are you so overbearing?? only you know the answer to that-
you are doing some things right- go out with your friends and such-
good luck - BTW i'm also out here on the island!

Answer 10

i no how that feels and its hard to get out of. especially when they always ask you to do something on days u plan not to. they get mad if you go out w ur friends and not them. u giv em their time and they go stray. if you lessen the time w them they think u r cheating. or they go and do that. it all stinks. every time i would want to giv my bfs time and less time together. it just ddnt happen. bc my last one would invite me over evry night. i mean every night. and i didnt want to sit at home you know. and then when i started working, he got involved w tha wrong ppl, drugs, other females, etc. and the entire relationship went to hell the past three months and only got worse and worse. and u cant blame me not being there. i got responsiblilties too, to tend to. u no? its just things work out or dont work out in weird ways . its a part of life. not saying itd b tha same w you n ur dude tho. just try to stop calling as much and eventually it'll all lessen. get used to being w ur friends or working more or spending more family time, or just YOU time. but u have to DO it, not just want or think it. its hard to do bc ur used to dude being round all the time, i know. then u trust less, etc.