Does anyone have any good CLEAN jokes?

Question

I need a really good laugh. Im a little sad these days.

Answer 1

www.ahajokes.com

The doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good news and bad news..."

The patient says, "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?"

"You have Alzheimer's disease."

"Good heavens! What's the good news?"

"You can go home and forget about it!"

Answer 2

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.
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An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
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When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, it did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the message said, "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

Answer 3

Here are a few good Blonde Jokes:

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast
and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed
in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde Texan were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was
her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Answer 4

Here's one that's sure to bring a few chuckles....

The little boy rann into the kitchen and asked his mother if he could have his breakfast of milk, eggs and sausage. His mother asked if he had done his chores first and the little boy grumbled...
'No'. The mother said
'Well son, you know the rules... you must milk the cow, collect the eggs and feed the pig before you have breakfast....so go on now... we'll see you in a half hour.
So the little boy walks off into the barn where he milks the cow, and kicks it on the way out of the barn. He then goes to collect the eggs, and kicks a chicken on the way out. After feeding the pig, he gives the pig a nice shot in the side.
When he comes inside, the only thing he sees on his breakfast plate is an apple. He asks his mother..
'Mom.. where's my milk, sausage and eggs?'
His mother says....
'Well... I saw you kick the cow, so no milk. ANd I saw you kick the pig, so no sausage... and I also saw you kick a chicken, so no eggs for you.'
Right about then, the father comes down the stairs, down the hall and around the corner, kicking the cat in the process.... the little boy looked up at his mother and said...
'Well Mom... you wanna tell Dad, or shall I ?'

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAAAAAA......

Hope that made you laugh.
Sorry you're feeling down... smile ! :-)

Answer 5

I am sorry for u .. and don't get upset cuz the life doesn't deserve to spend one tear from your eyes .. so.. even if there is not clean jokes u can add some cleaning powder to wash them .. lol

**there is a light at the end of every tunel ... let's just wish it's not a train ..

**person1: I need space ,, person 2: u can join NASA

**person1:have a nice day .. person2: thanks but I have other plans ..

**in the newest verison of windows XP they made up some new commands .. some of them are ::
1) press any key to countine or any other key to escape ..
2) error .. go stand in the corner
3) message from heaven's gates ( please restart ur computer we are inpootiong the univers )
4) windows is scannig your hard disck ... u can start praying

i wish u liked them .. e-mail me

Answer 6

Two green beans were walking down the street. They had been friends for as long as they could remember. They were discussing their life when all of a sudden a large car ran over one of them. The unscathed bean started to freak out when he saw what was left of his friend. He quickly called the doctor and they rushed an ambulance to the scene. The medics put the injured bean in and allowed the bean's friend to ride with them. The trip from where the accident happened to the hospital was nerveracking. They take the bean into the emergency room, and that is where the friend has to stop. The friend bean waits and waits. Finally, the doctor comes out. He says, "I have some good and bad news. The good news, is that your friend is still alive", to which the friend jumps for joy, "the bad news... is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

Answer 7

MY PHILOSOPHY OF HOUSECLEANING!


I don't do windows because ...

I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.


I don't wax floors because ...

I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I'll feel terrible
( plus they may sue me.)


I don't mind the dust bunnies because ...

They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.


I don't disturb cobwebs because ...

I want every creature to have a home of their own.


I don't Spring Clean because ..

I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous


I don't pull weeds in the garden because ..

I don't want to get in God's way, HE is an excellent designer!


I don't put things away because ...

My husband will never be able to find them again.


I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ..

I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.


I don't iron because ...

I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".


I don't stress much on anything because...

"A" type personalities die young, and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!

Answer 8

This joke is called: Wrong E-mail Address

A LESSON to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without noticing his error, sent the e-mail to the wrong address.

Meanwhile.... somewhere in Houston... a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. i see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and I look forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S..... Sure is freaking hot down here!

Answer 9

After falling in the mud, the white horse took a shower! That's pretty clean.

Answer 10

A train travelling at a high speed happened to crash.All the passengers fell down because most of them were sleeping(night) on the upper bunk.Everyone got hold of the driver and asked an explaination.
Driver:"I was driving slowly but found a erson layed on the track"
Passenger:"And you fool risked 100 of human lives for that person"
Driver:"Then what shall i do?"
passenger:"Why you fool should have runned him over"
Driver:"Believe me I was doing that"
Passenger:"Whaaaaaat???Howw????"
Driver:"When the train neared him , he ran for his life and i followed him to run him over,so we got in the field and sometimes got in the pond,sorry for that!"

Answer 11

2 blondes are on opposite sides of a street. One hollers to the other " Hey, how can I get to the other side?" The first blonde immediately replies " You are on the other side" .......Not near as funny as the joke "sunkissed" entered. That one is really funny. I like it. hehehe