I am newly married October 2005. I don't know what I was thinking. My husband is addicted to porn. I have a password on the internet I have even bought a computer desk with doors that locked and still he picked the lock.....
I have cried...I have talked...I have tried so many things...how I feel....yelling (not good but I can't take it anymore). The last time he did it I told him I wanted a divorce or that we are to go to counsling.
So we were in counsling but he wouldn't talk about anything while I was there so he is now seeing another therapist while I'm not there. I was still going to the other but I have been happy the only thing that upsets me is when he looks at porn on the net.
Well I accidently left the password off the computer last night after a stupid fight over the dishes. Only to come home to see 8 hours of porn on the computer.
I can't take it ....what should I do...Counsling don't seem to be helping him...I don't even think they talk about it
Frustrated
2006-06-23 01:23:29 · 49 answers · asked by ina_ivy_love 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I personally have nothing against porn. But it does sound like your husband truly is addicted and that is bad. What is worse is even if you could force him to give up the porn he would likely shift his addition to something else. Plus the addition means he's not dealing with his life stress well, most likely because he doesn't have the right tools.
In the end you can't make him do anything. But I would recommend you see if you can get him to go to a support group. They might better handle his problem then just a therapist does. Especially if the doc doesn't even know the real problem. But if he goes to a support group, he'll be openly admitting to the problem. And it sounds like he really needs that first step before you two will get anywhere.
I would also suggest you seek out a support group of your own, even if you husband won't go. Most likely your own therapist could recommend a local group, may even have local groups you can encourage your husband to go to.
2006-06-23 01:51:00 · answer #1 · answered by Ieshad 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋
I've known men like this. They never stop. If it's not porn, it's going to be something else. Eventually he WILL cheat on you. counseling won't help. These guys are like a Jekkyl and Hyde type. Once they get in the 'zone' they don't care about anything or anyone! I'm sure when the computer's locked up, he's looking at porn movies, magazines and probably talking on phone sex lines. Watch your phone bill! My advise is if you don't have any kids yet, leave him now. It's not worth it. He'll never stop. If you do have kids, you're just going to have to deal with it. You'll be playing detective for the rest of your life like most of the other wives I know. Good luck. I feel for you. I know how bad this hurts. Try not to take it personal. He'd do that kind of stuff no matter who he was with!
2006-06-23 05:12:09 · answer #2 · answered by nat 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't agree with the other posters who say it's about you and him not having a great sex life. I think it's HIS problem. There are a whole lot of people out there who cannot have a real relationship because of their porn addiction.
Clearly it's not just a few casual glances at some porn. He's picking the lock to get to the computer for crying out loud!! That is definite addictive behavior!!!
I hate to say it but if he isn't going to even try and work on HIS issues with porn, then you have only 2 options-leave him, or accept this addiction of his.
2006-06-23 03:43:47 · answer #3 · answered by B 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First--do you have a satisfying sex life w/ your husband? Can he still get aroused w/ you? If the porn is affecting your sex life and the only way he can get off is w/ the porn, then I see a definite problem that he needs help with.
IF HOWEVER, the porn is not affecting your sex life and you are still able to pleasure each other, I am not sure I understand what the problem is. You said you can't take it anymore, but you didn't say really what your issue is with it. Try looking at it with him and see why he likes it so much, you never know this may be a new chapter in your sex life. Some couples enjoy doing these things together. If this is bothering you this much, then maybe you should stay in counseling yourself, maybe there is some deep seeded issue you are dealing with.
Good luck.............
2006-06-23 04:21:14 · answer #4 · answered by Carjohnrie 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
First - does he see it as something he needs to stop but cant? Then he can be helped. If he thinks you are just overreacting and nagging him over something that is Normal? if that is the case He will have to realize it is more important then that too you. and if he loves you he will work towards fixing it. Maybe you should get rid of the computer for awhile and find a theropist that will deal with all the issues.
Also there is a book by Clay Crosse - I Surrender All - that may be of help.
If he refuses to deal with the issue then you have to decide if this is how you are willing to live. Or if you need a seperation for a while.
God can be a great source of strength and guidence if you call on him.
Kathy
2006-06-23 01:34:09 · answer #5 · answered by c2god2 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all...How old is your husband? It seems like you are treating him like an incompetent child if you are putting locks on things. My husband looks at porn too, although not to that extreme. It sounds like he has an serious addiction. Unfortunately, people with any addiction are not going to stop for someone else. They have to stop because they want to. You may try asking him to set aside 1 or 2 hours a week to watch porn and maybe watch some with him. This gives him what he needs without being so extreme. If he can cut it down a little at a time, it might help.
2006-06-23 01:30:24 · answer #6 · answered by Jenn 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I'm so sorry for you. Did you know he had an addiction before you married him? If so. . .I'm afraid. . .you kinda set yourself up. Marriage is till death. He's making it impossible, I know. In some ways, he's already broken vows. It really is a horrible addiction that ruins lives. I don't know how people excuse it and call it normal. There's really on one cure I know of, and that's Jesus. He has to want to stop, though, and it doesn't sound like he does. I can't in good conscience recommend a divorce, I just can't. It's wrong. His actions are wrong too, but two wrongs don't make a right. The only answer I have is Jesus. I know that's the right answer, the one that works. No counsellor can fix it for you nor can I no matter how badly I may want to.
2006-06-23 01:31:26 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If I were you, I would divorce him. Counseling doesn't seem to be working. He probably just agreed to go to keep you off his back awhile. He has already seen how this is affecting you, and doesn't seem to care. I have heard of lots of people who's relationships were ruined because of this. You shouldn't have to treat him like a child by locking him out of your computer. He sounds like to me, he doesn't have any respect for you or your marriage. I'm sorry for you, I'd feel the same way. If he was watching every now and then or asked you to watch sometimes too, it might be a little diffrent. But he seems to be in his own little world. I hate to say it because he really does have a problem, but you need to leave. He won't stop until he wants too. And he obviously doesn't want to.
2006-06-23 02:51:00 · answer #8 · answered by frosty 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Calmly sit him down and explain to him how much this upsets you. Do not threaten divorce unless you really mean it. If you had another argument for a different reason (the dishes) then things all around are not good. I would say you have to determine how YOU want YOUR life to go and let him know. Whether it's separation or divorce you must follow through. If he doesn't change, you're better off knowing now than later and you can move on.
2006-06-23 01:29:12 · answer #9 · answered by J Somethingorother 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If him looking at porn is your only problem with the relationship then you are complaining way to much about your husband's extra curricular activities! 1st off is it better for him to watch porn than to cheat on you? I think so...... Some guys just enjoy watching porn it doesn't mean you are not attactive, you do not fulfill him, or that he wants another women. This is a habit he picked over the years before he met you, NOTHING MORE . Something he is used to doing in private and quite possibly 90% of AMerican Males do it as well..... Whether he does it in front of you or not... You should stop complaining and acting like a baby........ And why the hell did you guys go to counseling??? Because he likes to masterbate??? I am sure you have masterbated yourself..... Everyone does it at one point in there life. Should he take you to counseling for that? Marriage is a partnership and no one is perfect. If your husband is there for you for everything else and does not cheat on and is a faithful an d a great husband. Then why ***** and moan at his one imperfection? Instead embrace it and watch it with him and ask if he needs help masterbating!
2006-06-23 01:43:14 · answer #10 · answered by John S 1 · 0⤊ 2⤋