What are some funny jokes that you have heard lately?

Answer 1

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish .But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box."



One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

Answer 2

Superman
A guy goes up to a bar located at the top of a very high building. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy.
"I've never been here before", the first guy says. "Oh really?” the other replies, "it's a pretty good bar. You see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and pushes you back up."
"No way, that's impossible" the first guy says
"Not at all, take a look." With that, the man walks over to the window opens it, climbs onto the sill and jumps out. And he drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up to the top and sails back in through the window.
"See, its fun. You should try it", he says.
"Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!” the first man shouts.
"Here, watch. I'll do it again". And with that, he jumps out the window again, falls about 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up through the window into the bar.
"Give it a try, it's a blast", he says.
"Well, what the heck.” the first man says. He jumps out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...60...70...80...90...100 feet and eventually splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk below.
After all this, the other guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".

Answer 3

i belive jokes to be quick witted here r some for u
.Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
2.She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
3.I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
4.My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
5.My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the

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Answer 4

4 presidents were in Kansas
They got caught in a twister that carried them
to the Emerald City,
They decided to go see the the powerful Wizard of Oz.
The Wizard asked Jimmy Carter,
What would you like? He said "I would like some courage please,"
The Wizard said Fine, you now have courage.
He asked the 2nd president, Richard Nixon, what would you like?
He said "I would like a heart." So the Wizard gives him one.
The 3rd president steps up, George W Bush, The Wiz says what would you like?
He says "the american people think I need a brain, so I will take one of those." So he is given a brain.
The 4th president steps up, and the Wizard says what can I do for you?
Bill Clinton looks at him and says "Is Dorthy here?"

Answer 5

When the UN said they wanted to go to war against the terrorists, the (insert favorite country) said No. Their white flag factory had just burned down.

****************** and here is another*****************


So the terrorist did his ugly thing, was killed in the process, and went on to his reward. First, he encountered George Washington, who promptly kicked his fanatic ***. Then he ran into William Clark, who grabbed him by the neck and body slammed him a couple dozen times. When Sam Houston got through ripping him a new *** hole, Thomas Jefferson ripped his arms off and shoved them right into the new opening. Robert E. Lee wasn’t very nice to him either (I cannot say what he did to him. It was a great secret the Confederacy guarded well). James Monroe, General Thomas Sumter, and Nat Turner had a go at him also. He looked past them and his fight had not even begun well.

The terrible car bomber cried out for his god and in that moment He appeared. “What is it my son.”
The terrorist was sobbing and choking in pain and anguish, “I was made a promise back on Earth for the deed that I have done. And, I did it so well, as many infidels have perished. Why are you reneging on your promise?”
“Oh, my poor son, I have not gone back on my word. You are in My kingdom now and here is Your reward in this afterlife, eternity with 72 Virginians.

Answer 6

Bill and Hillary are at the Red Sox -Yankees Game; sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.

At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and swiftly shakes his head "no".

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."

Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would absolutely love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and! says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people really want.

Come here Hilly baby..." With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you Freakin Asshole!" The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting & hollering, and high-fiving.

Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the First Pitch!"

Answer 7

A group of scientists are studying the great apes in the jungle when suddenly a large male grabs the woman scientist and carries her off to the nearby brush where he has sex with her for several hours. Each time they try to intervene and rescue her he scares them away and returns to having sex with the woman. Finally, he tires of it all, and leaving the woman, he disappears back into the jungle.
The others then rush in, scoop her up and race her to the nearest hospital where she remains for several weeks. Finally, one of the scientists goes to the hospital to find out why she's been there so long.
He approaches her Doctor and asks what the problem is. The Doctor tells him that physically there's not a thing wrong with her, but she's been in deep depression and won't tell them why. He suggests the scientist try to find out why.
The man enters her room where she appears to have been crying. He hugs her and tells her they all miss her and wonder why she hasn't come back to work with the team.
"The Doctor tells me you're fine except for severe depression. Can you tell me what's the cause of it?"
Bursting into tears she sobbed, "He doesn't call, he doesn't write..."

Answer 8

there was Jesus, moses, and an old man.
they were playing golf.

at the 18th hole, they were tied, so jesus hits the ball , and it goes and falls to the river, but doesnt sink, so he wlaks on the water and hits it again and falls on the hole.

Moses hits it and sinks on the water, he walks to it and opens the river in two halves (as the bible says when he frees the people) and hits it again , hole in two, as jesus, they were tied.

the people got sad just by looking at the old man, because he had no chances of winning.
so he hits it, he barely touches it , and goes to the river, but before it falls, a fish jumps out and bites the ball, but before the fish falls to the water, an eagle catches it, and goes flying up, up,up until a thunder hits it on the head, the eagle frees the fish, the fish frees the ball, and the ball falls directly to the hole, making a hole in one.


then jesus walks near, and tells him
- hey, no cheating, DAD-

life's short, enjoy it
=D

Answer 9

husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

Answer 10

No offense I heard this. There is a black man with a parrot and the go to a pub the bartender askes where did you get that from. The parrot answers from Africa their lots of them