my preschool aged son has to be first, he resorts to pushing, kicking etc other kids, how can I handle this?

Question

The preschool/daycare doesn't seem to know how to handle this...I can't afford to have him get "kicked out" for his behavior. Yesterday he pushed every child in his class and made one little girl cry. All he says is that he has to be first. He does the same thing at home with his older sister and sometimes she will let him be first, other times not...it is easier just to let him be first to avoid a melt down but obviously that is not the answer. How can I redirect him or modify his behavior?

Answer 1

He is trying to find ways to feel powerful. He has found the power when he hurts others. Try and find other ways to give him power. Say things like "Look how high you climbed! You used so many colors on your picture! You worked on that for a long time! You did that by yourself!" These types of phrases are great confidence builders.

Try and be on call for a day with his teacher. As soon as he hurts someone have the teacher call you and go pick him up. Tell him “You cannot be at school if you are going to hurt people.” Have a really boring day. Keep him out an extra day if you can. Tell him “When you are ready to stop hurting people, then you can go back to school.”

Invite a playmate over and keep a close eye on him. When he hurts or bullies another child, go to that child and empathize with them. "Wow! That must have hurt! I can tell you didn't like that! You must be really (angry, upset, annoyed, hurt.)" Ignore your son. He will not like feeling left out. You can also help the other child express their feelings to your son. "I don't like when you (hurt me, tell me what to do...). I don't want to play with you if you are going to treat me that way." It is a very powerful message when coming from another child.

Empathize with your son when you here about an incident. "I know it was really important to go first. You must have been angry when Emma went first." Play some games taking turns with him. Explain to him that sometimes somebody else needs to go first. "I know you want to go first every time but sometimes it doesn't work out the way you expected."

If he asks to have a friend over, you may say to him "No. I am afraid you might hurt them. Maybe they can come over when you can be gentler." This is a logical consequence. If he hurts someone, he can't play with them. You can also help him to empathize with a child he has hurt and help find better ways to express himself. "Josh was really upset when you pushed him. It looked like you were (angry, upset, frustrated) with him. What can you do next time instead of hurting him?" It will take some practice and some effort, but he should soon learn to be gentler and respect his playmates. Good luck!

Answer 2

When I had to ask children to form a line, I had a line leader and a line watch person.

The line leader's job was to watch for hazards and warn the children, accordingly, the line watch person was to report at the end of the journey, secretly to me in a whisper, if the line was straight, etc. This way it didn't become a tattle-tale situation.

Creating this new position made the students not object to being "last".

In addition, the teacher should be rotating assignments so that every child has a responsibility, and no child feels left out.

You could let him be first and then reverse the line...

At home. A friend with 4 boys taught me this, one week a month each of her son's was the "host" for the week. The host got to ride in the front seat, check the mail, answer the telephone, get the door, "be the line leader", etc. If worked wonders for her and for me.

Hope this helps.

Answer 3

If he is the youngest child at home, he's demanding the attention he has been receiving since birth - the baby gets all the attention because he's the smallest and most needy.
If he's the middle child, it's his way of getting the attention that the older and younger children are given. His way of balancing things out - good or bad, just as long as its attention.
It could also be his way of telling you he doesn't want to be at daycare. Children that young don't know how to explain their emotions or feeling of abandonment, so they act out. Usually not in a good way. After picking him up, do something special with just the two of you (once a week at least). I use to take my son to the park, go on a walk, get an ice cream, go to the library or book store and read him a story he would pick out for every good report I got from his daycare provider. Bad reports meant whatever we had planned that morning to do later got cancelled.
You have to be the parent - set boundaries - stop being wimpy. He's taking his cues from you. Don't wait hours to discipline him, do it ASAP. Explain why he's being disciplined; consequences for his actions - good or bad. A swat of the behind will not kill him.
Set up a weekly rewards chart of stars (gold = good; red = bad) that he earns throughout the week. Gold stars mean rewards out of a grab bag, goody jar, or a special trip to zoo or museum. The more gold, the bigger the reward. More reds, means taking away previledges - video games, TV, play time, etc.
I broke my son from being a biter by having the child he bit bite him back - under my supervision. Then we had a long talk about how it feels to receive the same pain you inflect? doesn't feel so good does it?
Life is not fair, they have to learn early that you don't always get what you want when you want it.
Lastly, practice having him take turns at home with his siblings - have everyone select a TV program or game or what's for dinner,etc. Make a chart showing who goes first on what days for whatever event or activity. Have everyone participate in creating the chart using photo cut outs or special symbols that represent each child/person. If anyone doesn't follow the order, they lose a turn during the next scheduling. (Board games are great for learning to take turns.) To keep down confusion and havoc, always explain to your child why previledges are lost. Once he/she realize the power is in his control, he'll start to make better decisions. Don't argue. Speak calmly and matter-of-fact, and stick to your guns.
Hope this helps.

Answer 4

A special ed teacher in my district had the same problem with one of her kids. She made 4 outlines of boxes on the floor with tape and the kids were assigned their box.
In my classroom we have an assigned line. Everyday the kids line up in the same order. At the end of the week the "line leader" goes to the end. Eventually everyone gets a chance to be first and last. In a younger setting maybe the teachers can switch everyday. That way your son will be able to figure out when it will be his turn to be first again. My kids in my class love it and look forward to being first and last!

Answer 5

no way never let him manilipulate anyone, thats just teaching him to be unreasonable and pushy.Every single time he does it I would sit him in a special corner, and if he takes off put him back, over and over until he understands he's not going to get his way by acting like that. Get school to do the same, you guys have to work together.It won't happen over night, but you have to do it everysingle time and never give in or it won't work, often the hard and long way of disclpline is the best and easiest in the long run,most parents don;t have the patience to stick with it but when the do the results are amazing.

Answer 6

There are already some good ideas here- practice taking turns with board games, and ask how the teacher rotates who gets to be the line leader...

Is this the only thing going on with your son, socially? It may be a phase or it may have to do with something more serious like OCD or another disorder. If it's the only symptom I wouldn't worry though.

You might try something called a social story, especially if he is a visual learner. Make a book out of folded paper, and write in the first person, "My name is ____" "I like to go to day care." "I like to do fun things there like ________" "Sometimes I have to wait in line. It is hard when I can't be the first in the line." "Lots of kids like to be first. I can wait my turn to be the leader" "I will wait quietly in line and keep my hands in my own space". "Sometimes I will be the line leader!" "I am good at waiting for my turn."

Draw simple pictures for each page and read this to him. This is a strategy used for children with autism, who often have similar issues.

Answer 7

i have the same problem...your parenting skills don't suck...we have strong-willed children. im reading "strong-willed child" by James Dobson.
I am now understanding his actions better and i can handle them better. He has a new lil brother and thats when it got really bad.
its hard..and you are not a bad parent....and he doesn't just need an azz kicking @@.
if you were a bad parent you wouldn't be trying to find help or ideas.
[e-mail]
thats me...if you wanna talk.
<>< Mellie

Answer 8

You should talk to him and then when he arrives home ask him if he had hurt someone, if he said YES, ask why he keeps doing those things so when he tell you the reason try to explain that he is hurting someone when he do those things.

Answer 9

he is doing that at school because you let him do it at home.
dont let him do it at home!!
he will eventually stop with the meltdown's

Answer 10

NEEDS A GOOD OLD FASHIONED AZZ WHOOPIN. SHOW HIM YOUR BOSS. IF IT CONTINUES YOUR SON WILL BE IN PRISON