What are some good jokes?

Question

They have to be clean. Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 1

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale
has hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a
million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the
government doesn't know where to start with providing help
to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control
the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food
and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As seen in a dog's diary:

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!


As seen in a cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

Answer 2

haha well good i got a sex joke for you hope you like it :) on hearing that her grandad had just died kate went and visited her nan to comfort her when she asked how he died her nan replyed by sayin that he had had a heart attack while makin love 2 her kate said that it was silly that 2 old people where havin sex as it was askin for trouble her nan replyed by sayin that they used to do it to the slow pace of the church bells as it was just the right speed she then wiped a tear from her eye and carryed on by sayin''if that dahmed ice cream van hadnt come along he would still be alive today'' :) xxx

Answer 3

Next time someone asks you what time it is....answer with "maybe it's time for you to buy a watch" the look on their face will make you laugh more then any good joke....

Answer 4

2 goats break into a theater and start to munch on the film
goat1: How's the movie?
goat2: It's ok, I like the book better.

Answer 5

A blonde is at work and she is crying and her boss sees her: Boss: what's wrong? Blonde: my mom just died. Boss: do you wanna go home? Blonde: No I rather stay here and keep my mind off of it. Boss: OK.(walks away, a couple minutes later, the blonde is crying louder) Boss: what's wrong? Blonde: my, my, my sister called and she said her mom died too.

Answer 6

how do you keep a skunk from smelling? Hold its nose.

Answer 7

what do you call a prostatutes two best friends??------- support hoes

Answer 8

your asssssssssssss