Can someone tell me a HILARIOUS joke?

Question

nothing dirty please

Answer 1

this is so funny....this man was walking along the side of the street and there was this big mud hole and he didnt see it and he fell in it and got all dirty.......oops.........sorry..i forgot -you said no dirty jokes.....sorry

Answer 2

MAN AND A BIRD
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day they went to the same restaurant. The waitress asked for their orders. The man says," I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad." I'll have the same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the bill. "That will be $32.78." Once again the man pulls out the exact change. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket everytime?" "Well," the man says, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found a lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there. "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would just ask for a million dollars but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether its a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. "But sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick, with a big rear and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Answer 3

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".

The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."

"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure" replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!

The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"

Answer 4

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they
spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was
difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota
and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following
day. The husband checked
into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an
email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting
messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's
son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the
computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared
for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your
journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

Answer 5

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived

I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. It sure is freaking hot down here!

Answer 6

A teacher asks her 2nd grade students to tell her a story that has a "moral" in it.

So little Sally raises her hand and says, "My family raises chickens and they lay eggs. We put the eggs in a basket and sell them at the market. One day, we hit a pothole and half the eggs fell out and broke! So the moral is - Don't put all your eggs in one basket!!"

Sammy raises his hand excitedly and says "My family raises chickens and they lay eggs too!! However, we let them hatch so we can have more chickens. Well, they laid 12 eggs, but when they hatched, only 9 chicks came out!! The moral is - Don't count your chickens before they're hatched!!"

Little Johnny raises his hand and says "My Aunt Karen was a pilot in Desert Storm. They called her on a mission and she grabbed a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She got shot down and as she parachuted down, she chugged down the bottle of whisky! She landed among 100 terrorist and killed 75 of them with her machine gun before she ran out of bullets. She killed another 15 with her machete before the blade broke! Then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands!!"

The teacher exclaimed..."That's horrible!!! What's the moral of THAT story!!??"

Johnny said - "Don't mess with Aunt Karen when she's drinking!!"

Answer 7

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week.

Johnny said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and --"

The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home, and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home, and the wife told him that she was leaving him.

"But why?" croaked the husband.

"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy just what you told me."

"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer!"

Answer 8

why was 6 afraid of 7? because 7 8 9

Answer 9

Why doesn't Mexico have any gold medal olympians?

Because anybody that can run, jump or swim is already in America.

Answer 10

Daniel H, that's HILARIOUS!!