Know anything that I don't? Heard any good jokes, stories, quotes, or anything interesting lately?

Answer 1

Jokes:
As seen in a dog's diary:

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!


As seen in a cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.
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A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)
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Stories:
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well...
Kiss your *** good-bye!
Have A Nice Day and
Be Careful With Your Donkey

Answer 2

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

Answer 3

stupid a$$ poem at the bottom pi$$ed me off big time. I am so sick of these illegal aliens coming over here to take our jobs, draw welfare checks and then have the gawl to say if we Americans don't like it we can scram cause there is plenty of room in Pakistan.

Answer 4

If a tree falls in the forest, and nobody is there to hear it,who is gonna pick up your mangled body.

Answer 5

Qoute: A friend is someone who bails you outta jail, a best friend is the one sitting next to you in the cell saying "Damn that was fun!"

Answer 6

2 potatoes are leaning against the wall. How do you tell which potato is the prostitute potato?
It is the one with the sticker which reads I DA HO!

I think it is funny any way.

Answer 7

Two cows in a field, one goes "moo", the other replies "I knew you were going to say that"

Now is now then.