How should I deal with this?

Question

My Dad is VERY cold and distant and I feel he was never really there for me growing up, he never spoke to me although we lived in the same house. Im now 20. I sent him a text for Fathers day and he unsuprisingly didnt reply even to say thanx, and hasnt got us Christamas presents for the last two yrs at least. He sometimes walks off when I am talking to him and I have to address him directly and loudly to get him to answer me. Even then I CANNOT get him to talk to me for longer than 5 mins, EVER. I'm obvuiously not happy with this any ideas what i can do to change things? I have tried taking to him and gradually building it up but it seems to make him uncomfortable. I dont understand what Ive done to deserve this all my life, how should I go about expressing myself or what can I do? I have been angry with him in the past but I have decided I want to make the effort or I might risk never speaking to him when I'm older.

He treats my brother the same btw

I'm female I know my name dosent give much away............

Answer 1

my brother and i have been going threw the same thing with our father for years and years. its like he only wanted to talk to us when we did something wrong or he wanted us to get him something or do something. as an adult now i just kept trying and i got tired of it, so i stopped not because i did not want to ever talk to him again but because i was hoping that he might come around if he thought that he lost me forever. so i did and sooner or later my grandparents would tell me that he tells them that i dont care anymore about him that i never call him for anything . and i told her that i was tired of the way i am being treated, that i have tried everything and nothing works with him, that its either his way or the high way, and that i refused to let him do that to me as an adult. so finaly he called me and i told him straight out, i am an adult and i expect to be treated right that i dont need him to father me but to be my friend not kick me in and out of his life when he felt like it. so realy you just have to know what you want from your father and decide how you want to go about it, what fits you, what would work for you. one day he might just come around, it is hard to change people when they get older, they are normaly set in thier ways on most everything. so good luck and just never give up, but dont over work your self, he needs to work on this too not just you.

Answer 2

I commend you for wanting a relationship with your dad, especially with the way he is acting toward you. He could be behaving this way for a variety of reasons. You just need to figure out WHAT the reasons are. First, usually when people are emotionally distant, it is because of the way they were raised. Was your dad's parents that way with him, was he abused physically or emotionally by them? Ask your mom or another relative about his life, things you may not even be aware of. Another reason he may be acting this way is that men as a general rule aren't very communicative or as emotional as women are. Most men are taught at a very young age that it is somehow "unmasculine" to show emotion. It may also be that your dad is preoccupied with work, or worried about financial problems and is too embarrassed to discuss it with you. This may also be the reason he doesn't buy you any presents, but he is too proud to let you know. Also, maybe in the past, you have done something that hurt or made him angry, and he is holding bitterness toward you. It may be something you don't even remember or you didn't think it was that big of a deal, but he does. Perhaps he could have emotional problems or a mental illness and he doesn't even know he's hurting you with his aloofness. You just need to do some research with people who know him the best, and see what you come up with. Don't beat yourself up over this, or think it is your fault. You seem like a very nice and compassionate daughter that any dad would love to have. Don't aggressively try to persue pushing your dad to behave in the way you want him to, but rather, maybe even pull back for a while and give him some space and time. He may then realize that he has taken you and your good nature for granted and then, try to have more to do with you. Eventually you will learn why he's the way he is. Until then, hang in there. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers! Best wishes.

Answer 3

Your dad sounds like he wasn't much of a dad. I'm sorry for you for that. You are 20 now and your probably getting ready to get out on your own. You seem to be a bit more mature than your dad. Sometimes the best thing is to walk away(back away from the situation) It may take a while maybe even years. You should seek counseling for yourself, so you can learn how to be happy without trying to force a relationship that is clearly only one-sided. Remember you are not alone in your situation-there are others who do not have a relationship with their parents either. I hope you can find happiness in your life for you.

Answer 4

I can't say Ive been in the same situation, However I have been in that position. I suspect it may have something to do with the past. Has there been other family issues? Maybe he hadn't had such a good childhood. Or perhaps it's mental issues.Talking to him may not be he best thing due to the fact he leaves and can't stay in a conversation for more than five minutes, But that may be the only way to express your feelings. Maybe you should see a family councilor, and this way he would haft to be there to listen to what you have to say, Although I'm not entirely sure on that.


I hope That somewhat helps...I'm not good at fatherly issues.

Yours-

Angel

Answer 5

He obviously has a screw loose somewhere. He just doesn't have the emotional tools. He even sounds a bit scary to me. It sounds to me like this is really starting to affect your emotional health. I would just back WAY off and leave him alone cause I think there is something way more going on here than meets the eye. You are 20. How old is your brother? If I were you I would move out and start a life of your own away from that nonsense or you are going to be way messed up in your head the longer to stay there. Seriously, move out.

Answer 6

You can't change anyone else, Darlin'. The only thing you have any control over is your attitude and your actions. A relationship is like a game of tennis, it only works if both people are playing. The current dynamic only works because you are still playing. In families we are subconsciously given roles to play, yours seems to be the ignored child. I would suggest you open yourself up to other people in your life that could fill the role of father figure. Someone that sees your value and reaffirms your worth. You can't change your father, and you need to understand that it probably has nothing to do with you. Your father may be repeating the behavior of his father, grandfather, uncle, or someone else that he observed while growing up. It is very important that you have other "father figures" in your life so that you can choose how you will one day treat your children.
I know it is very difficult to feel insignificant in the eyes of a parent, but you are old enough to have choices and if you put your focus on the people that validate your existence, you may just have it in you to be there for your father when he needs you. You need to resolve this with yourself, not your father, if you wait for that, it may never be resolved.
Good luck, Laura

Answer 7

Hmmm, interesting. I'm guessing that he either didn't have a father figure in his life or had a very bad one. I'm also guessing that he is not a very outgoing chatty kinda guy, perhaps has a depressive disorder.
You can't change him. You'll just have to find a way to communicate to him, that makes you happy for sharing, but don't expect anything in return from him.
Does he have any brothers or sisters you could confide in without talking behind his back. I'm also going to guess that Mom is not in the picture.
Not to be mean - are you really his kid?

Answer 8

Hurts don't it ! I am now 50 and have had the same thing since I was 18. Take my word, it probably won't change. I spent all my life crying and trying to figure out what I did that was so horrible. Don't waste your life dwelling on it and just trying to make him proud, it ain't happening. Up until a couple of years ago, I did that and I finally realized that I had wasted alot of time and tears for something that wasn't going to change. My brother went to his grave wondering the same thing. I woke up. One real good thing came out of it. I have been the better parent. I'm not afraid to let others know I Love My KIds. And I'm Dam sure not afraid to let my kids especially know it. I hope you have better luck than I. You really have my sympathy.

Answer 9

First ask yourself if you are the only child that he treats this way. If so, maybe your mom could shed some light on the subject. If not, then you must unfortunately accept that this is the way he is and figure out how you'll cope rather than how to change him.

I have found that biologically fathering children does not make one a father. Today, I have an extended "family" consisting of people of my choosing who love and nourish the ways we expect family to do.

Answer 10

It sounds like your dad may be hard of hearing, have ADD, and/or not be used to affection from his own younger life.

This is NOT your fault. Even if there was something he blamed you for, it is HIM.

Pray about this and try to forgive him for his behavior. Continue to do what you are doing by talking to him and remembering him for special days. Maybe one day he will open up, but at least you will know you did your best.

BTW: Have you talked with your mother or other family members about this? They might be able to give you more insight into his behavior.