How can I get my timid 5 yr old to be less sensative & more agressive?

Question

I am a single mother that works full time & goes to school part time. I raise my 5 yr old by myself with no help from his father. My 5 yr old has been in daycare homes & daycare since he was 6 months old & he is a bit passive. How can I get him to be less passive & more agressive as a boy? When there is a conflict between other kids he is the middle man to resolve their issues & make everyone friends again, but he also lets other kids push him around. He often says he doesn't want to go to daycare because some of the kids push & hit him. I am worried about him for when he starts kinder this fall. I dont want him to dislike school for this reason. @ first i would tell him to tell the teacher but then I sd hit them back. I used to be a tomboy when i was little, always playing w/the boys but I am a woman now & i try to play with him "rough" but he just doesnt. I play with his as his mother. With no POSITIVE male role model how should I treat this situation?

NOT that i want him to be a beast or bully i just want him to learn to be less of a mamas boy & defend himself if & when he is aproached by a bully. I do not promote violence. his father was domesticaly violent & can not be around us per court order, so I dont promote that....but when he comes to me daily telling me what kid hit him today it is disturbing. He is a very well behaved child & I love him for who he is but how can a mother, single @ that teach a BOY how to be a BOY?

Answer 1

My son is 51/2 and he also will be starting kinder. in the fall. He is very quite and shy and always is telling on the "bad kids". i used to wish he would be more outgoing and be a "boY". But i realized he made friends for who he was, and he is a happy boy. as for your son and the getting pushed around I would teach him to stick up for himself but fighting will not get them anywhere but in trouble. THe boys doing the pushing around are probablly kids who dont get attention or enough love from home. So its good that your son is the way he is it sounds like u are a loving mother.

Answer 2

Well..kids are unique and there is no answer that is going to be right for all kids. If you can find the money (ask your parents if you have to) you might try martial arts (karate, tai kwon do, etc.).

In addition to learning what is obviously self defense moves, it is a great confidence builder. Your son would also be doing what is classically a "boy" thing (though it was my oldest daughter who was the karate kids in my brood).

I know where I am there is one studio that offers scholarships and the YMCA has programs too that are cheap (not all that, but a start).

As to getting beat up in daycare, it sounds like that provider has a problem. A good daycare provider should have a handle on such situations and should be providing a safe environment for all the children. Bullies should never be tolerated!

He's NOT going to be able to hit back at school. That will get him into big trouble. Nor do I feel a boy needs to be a fighter. Yeah, sooner or later someone is going to nail him, but life goes on. He sounds like a negotiator and that's an excellent, and quite frankly, more useful skill.

Tattling is only going to make him unpopular with the other kids. His attempts at negotiating his way out of situations is actually a good one.

Anway...if you can swing the karate..do it. It teaches a lot of good things.

And really reevaluate that daycare carefully.

Answer 3

It's one thing to not want your child to be pushed around and it's another thing to have an aggressive child. Children that are aggressive are children that harbor anger and take it out on either their parents, their teachers and other children. They kick, scream, hit, bite, shove and hurt others. I know that's not what you want for your little man.
What you can do is to teach your child how to say no. There are excersizes that you can do with your child. It envolves play so your child can feel comfortable and be able to learn something at the same time. Give your child steps to take. Step 1. Go tell the teacher. Step 2. Tell the other kid No. Tell the other kid stop. Tell the other kid, I don't like that. Step 3. Tell mommy when you get home.
It's not good to teach your child violence because it becomes a way for your child to express all his negative emotions and it stays.
Best of luck to you love. I'm proud of you for going to school and work and taking care of your little man. I hope this helps in some way. From a sister to another sister, good luck.

Answer 4

I say let him gravitate towards his own interests. Also, find out just how much he really like playing soccer. I was an introverted child which concerned my parents so they signed me up for soccer, little league, scouts, etc trying to "socialize" me and the results, long term and short, were and are quite negative. This now I think they regreat doing, and if I ever have kids I will in no way force them into being social or anything else they don't want to be in. I'd rather nurture and support their interests so that they can become confident in their own talents, instead of wasting time with something they're not good at and not interested in, if not downright afraid of. That said, he might like karate ir martial arts because it's not as competitive an environment, and the focus in on the individual and his abilities. I would talk to him about it, maybe take him to a session before signing him up and see if he's interested in it...if so, great. If not...he needs to come out of that shell on his own; if he's yanked out he may get better, but if not, he'll run back into it, farther, and make it stronger.

Answer 5

I feel so sad for your boy that you can't accept him as he IS. You seem to value being aggressive over his obvious talents for resolving disputes. That is a rare gift and you shouldnt be ashamed of him if he does get pushed around. Some kids just do, and it's not up to you to take the kids side in this and tell him it's somehow his own fault. The most you can do is teach him how to stand up for himself but you can't try and replace his personality or change it that's WRONG and will annoy him a LOT and make him resent you. He will be untrusting towards you if you don't simply help develop his strengths but try and change him as a person. All kids can stand up for themselves if they believe themselves to be worthy enough and deserving of that respect, so make him BELIEVE that and your problem should be solved. Even the quiet kids can avoid being pushed around don't eat away at ur sons self esteem and make him see himself as less worthy by criticizing him constantly, that sucks and does not work!!

Answer 6

I feel the same way. I don't know if I should teach my child to hit back or just step back. Of course its a mother's instinct to protect her child from everything but I think in the long run, your child will grow up being a better person so just don't teach him to fight. Instead teach him to stand up for himself! If you do let others bully you around, it will become a habit to them and you will start accepting it as who you are so he will grow up believing that is who he is and allow it so teach him to resolve things differently. I know people would rather let there children be the bully instead of the bullied but it is more important to think about who he will become in the future!

Answer 7

i think the 1st thing u must do is find out why he doesnt want to go 2 sch. being bullied everyday is no gd 4 a 5 yr old. the problem is not about him being agressive or not. i can tell that he likes to be friends with every of his classmates. no matter how agressive one is, there will always be another more agressive then him. if this continues i guess u will just have to change his sch/daycare.

Answer 8

It's sick and unhealthy when a mom thinks her son should be the tough guy. He's young! all boys and men should know it's okay to cry. You don't have to hit back to be the bigger man. You don't have to be pushed around either. He will learn in his own time what to do. Aggression is not a good trait 4 any person to have. You tell him when he's hit it's okay to stand up 4 himself. TEACH HIM to use words not his hands. TEACHING him to fight MAY BACK FIRE INTO him being a bully and starting fights to PROVE to you he's okay. Let him be himself let that be enough.

Answer 9

I agree with Lori's post, why is the day care tolerating this behavior? Have you talked with them? That would be the first thing to do. I also put my sons in karate class, it did build their self confidence. As a matter of fact, I joined the class myself, it was great that we could all do something together. Don't try to change him, he sounds like a wonderful child. You have taught him to care about other people, so it is obvious that you are a good parent. Look into the day care situation.

Answer 10

First of all it's a difficult job being a mother....hands down but just a little word of advice let your son be who he is !!!!! Do not try to make him someone YOU think he should be! He needs to feel supported by you for being timid. Your son is still figuring out how to make friends and be a friend. Please consider another day care or recreation center some where you feel your son is being heard (by adults )and not abused ( by other children).Just listen to your child he will tell you who he is ...what is comfortable and what is uncomfortable about his environment! Good luck and make sure you tell him every day.............................................
YOU LOVE HIM NO MATTER WHAT!