10 pts for the funnyiest joke?

Answer 1

Q:There was once a race between:Superman,a turtle,a brave frenchman and a smart blonde.Who won?


A:The turtle, because none of the others exist.

Answer 2

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they
spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was
difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota
and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following
day. The husband checked
into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an
email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting
messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's
son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the
computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared
for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your
journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

Answer 3

a man walked into a toy store. A crowd of blonds were yelling, "59 days 59 days." The man asked the store owner why they were yelling 59 days. The owner didn't know and told the man to ask one of the blonds. So the man went over and asked one of the blonds why they were yelling 59 days. She looked at him and said, "we finished this puzzle in 59 days and it says 2-4 years."

Answer 4

3 priests had gone fishing. They were out in the middle of the pond when their bait got over. So the first priest prayed to the lord, got up, walked on the water and came back with more bait. After sometime their bait got over again. So the 2nd priest prayed to the Lord, walked on the water and came back with more bait. After sometime they were hungry. So the third priest prayed to the Lord, got up but as soon as he stepped on the water he fell down and drowned.
The first priest said to the 2nd priest - I think we should have told him where the rocks were.

Answer 5

A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The Laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

Answer 6

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Answer 7

So there was an american, a black guy and a mexican that found a genie who granted them each a wish. The black guy asked that he and all of his brothers in America be taken back to their homeland of Africa, so the genie did it. The mexican asked that all of his people in America be brought back to their homes in Mexico, so the genie did that as well. Then the american said: "So you mean to tell me that all of the blacks and mexicans are gone?" and the genie replied "Yeah"; so the american said "Well then i'll have a coke."

===================================

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the
pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom.
I'm going
to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think
I may be in
with a chance!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom and the
young man leaves. He soon returns and says, "Give me
another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very
cute too. She always crosses her legs in a
provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might
strike it lucky there too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as
the boy is leaving he turns back and says,"Go on,
give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is
still pretty cute and when she sees me she always
makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, think
she is expecting me to make a move!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his
girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right
and the mum facing him.

When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head
and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner
and thank you for all you give us."

A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank
you Lord for your kindness."

Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying,
keeping his head down.

The others look at each other surprised and his
girlfriend is even more surprised than the
others.
She gets close to the boy and says in his ear,
"I didn't know you were so religious."

The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a
pharmacist!"


===================================

what do you call a mexican babtism??????????




"bean"dip


===================================

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers. He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, this isn't right, everyone should live in peace. So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other he'll give them both three wishes.
The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet.

The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again -- poof -- all the rest became female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazment. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted. This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself.

It is time for the bear's final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesn't waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female.

Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, ''I wish that that bear is gay.''

==================================-

Your so fat you squeezed air.

Your so fat when yo stepped in front of the TV, I missed 3 episodes.

Not you literally speaking.

===================================

The Day I Died

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to
accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St.
Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first
man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an
affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all
over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out
onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man
hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a
hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some
bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony
and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack,
and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it
was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well,
sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on
the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and
slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the
apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my
fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then
the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really
start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

===================================

Answer 8

There were three dogs, a Rottweiler, a Pitbull & a Chihuahua standing on the corner of a building, when this beautiful Female Golden Retriever passed by.

The Golden Retriever was in heat, so she said: "Whom ever makes the best sentence using only the words cheese & liver can have their likings with me!!!"

So the Rottweiler went first: "I love to eat Liver & Cheese", but that was not good enough so next was the Pittbull: "Cheese & Liver are my favorite meals" but again the Golden Retriever was not satisfied. Next was the Chihuahua, he said: "Liver alone Cheese mine!"

Needles to say the Chihuahua got his way with her!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray...

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

That night the blonde dreams she wins the lotto. Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. The next day she prays...

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good Servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself...

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this..... Buy a ticket."

Answer 9

There were three men in a hot-air balloon.
One man had a knife, one a machine gun, and one a bomb.
They had to evacuate the balloon by jumping down with their parachutes.

The first man throws down his knife, then jumps.
When he reaches the ground, he sees a small girl crying, so he asks her why she is so sad.
She replies that a knife fell from the sky and stabbed her father, killing him.

The second man throws down his machine gune, and then jumps.
When he lands on the ground, he sees a small girl crying, so he asks her what has upset her.
She tells him that a machine gun fell from the sky and went off, shooting her father and killing him.

The third man throws down his bomb, and then jumps.
When he is reaches the ground, he sees this little boy howling with laughter.
The man, confused and wanting in on the joke, asks the little boy what it was that was so darned funny.
The little boy calms down for a moment, just long enough to reply, "I just farted and my house blew up!!!!!"

Little boys, what can you do with 'em?

Answer 10

A man goes on his honeymoon in Aruba with his new wife and leaves his brother in charge of taking care of their mother and his cat. He calls home upon finally settling in the hotel.
"So how's Fluffy?"
"Ah, man, your cat died"
"WHAT? You can't just tell me like THAT! You should have eased me into it. You know maybe the first day, tell me that Fluffy's on the roof and we can't get him down. The next day, Fluffy fell off, we took him to the vet. I'm sorry it's not looking good. And then on the 3rd day, you tell me, well we did everything we could, but Fluffy passed peacefully in his sleep last night."
"You know what man, you're right, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have just thrown that out at you. Won't happen again."
"That's alright, so how's Mom?"
"Um...Mom's on the roof. We can't get her down...."