I get people telling me constantly that I should have respect for myself and not sleep with a married man. I spent over a decade "respecting" myself by dating very little (raising a child) and not having sex . I guess I was in a period of self respect but it didnt fill the voids. I started looking for a man and haven't had much luck in finding anyone who was serious about a relationship ( I;m too old to just date forever) and got involved with a married man who is the best lover I have ever had. I have him as a temporary until I find a nice single man but haven't made much progress. If I give up this married guy as everyone tells me to do and respect myself I will be back to having no one and no romance in my life. I don't believe that if I just sit around respecting myself , I will draw the right guy, it didn't happen in 14 years, so why would it be any different now?
2006-06-22 04:59:35 · 4 answers · asked by reallyfedup 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
You're fortunate, in that you have found a lover who cares about you and makes you feel good, and it seems that the relationship has actually increased your self-esteem even if he is married. And you're doing the right thing by trying to find a guy like him who isn't married. It doesn't always work out the way it did for you. Keep trying to make a good life for yourself, single or in a relationship.
2006-06-23 13:18:44 · answer #1 · answered by AnOrdinaryGuy 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Self respect ,or let's call it SELF LOVE, (since love and respect always walk hand in hand!) can NEVER be over rated!!! When you accept someone else's "leftovers", you are settling for less than you deserve. I understand that you have "respected " yourself while raising a child...and that is a good thing. You are kidding your self if you think you can keep your head and your heart separate by telling your self that this guy is just a "fill in the gap" kind of guy until you find the real thing. If he is cheating on his wife with you, what makes you think you are the only "other woman" in his life? And what about diseases? Do you really want this ripple effect always in your life? Set your sights on the kind of man you deserve...list all the qualities you want him to have, then have fun on the hunt to find him....There is a difference in being alone and lonely...don't confuse the two...have fun, and rely on your friends to help you through the rough spots...kick this guy to the curb where he belongs...or better yet send him home to his wife...it will empower you where you can celebrate your "r-e-s-p-e-c-t" Find out what that means to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2006-06-22 05:33:59 · answer #2 · answered by photogram1 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Self respect - wow, did you hit a big topic.
No, self-respect, self-acceptance, aka self-esteem is never over-rated. "Self-esteem isn't everything; it's just that there's nothing without it" -Gloria Steinem
In short, self respect, acceptance, esteem is being able to be unconditionally respectful, accepting, and loving of who you are and realizing what does and does not harm you. Spiritually, emotionally, physically, or intellectually.
People who don't have that ability have difficulties in relationships - both to themselves and others. Their boundaries are to permeable and open - they allow others or situations to harm them. Their boundaries are rigid and isolatory - they don't let others close for fear of the hurt and pain - ultimately of themselves and how the pain of rejection, or abuse, or abandonment, or even just loss, isn't worth letting someone close.
You mention that you were in a period of self-respect, but it didn't fill in the voids. What voids? Where did those voids come from? What is it that you are really looking to fill (respect, acceptance, love) that you were denying yourself by dating very little and not having sex (perhaps over-rigidity)? What does the romance with a married man fill that keeps you in the situation?
Every action is purpose driven.
What is it about wanting to draw the 'right guy' that has anything to do with self-respect?
Married men are emotionally unavailable - at the very least. There is much more to it, such as dishonesty, trust, intimacy - but those are much more in depth things to evaluate for yourself.
Before we can lie to anyone else, the first and most damaging lie is to ourselves. When we lie to ourselves, we undermine our own self-respect and self-love.
Why did you chose an emotionally unavailable man to have a relationship with - what was appealing about that situation? Is that trait something that carries over into your search for a nice single guy, a thread that runs through your life in general? What does being with someone who cannot be truly intimate, honest, available do to your emotional, spiritual, intellectual well being?
Believe me, I am scarred and wounded from my own lack of self respect. I know where my wounds are, and I'm very over-rigid in keeping myself isolated.
I find my own wounds by seeing what relationships I've gotten myself into and why. I see where I am trying to protect myself with my wall that won't let people in - and I know where I can't protect myself from hurt and fear by my own open boundaries, where I let people or situations harm me.
Just some thoughts.
2006-06-22 05:27:21 · answer #3 · answered by DW 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Self respect is never overrated. If you ever do break up with this man who is cheating on his wife and you end up getting married, will you be wondering if your guy is cheating with someone like you who needs to ask if self respect is overrated?
2006-06-22 05:11:13 · answer #4 · answered by spike 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋