How do I tackfully explain to my coworker that I do not like the way them treats me at social events?

Question

I work with a person, when we are in the office. But everytime we have been at social events (ie: Christmas parties) they thinks it is funny to insult me. One incident:
another coworker - "so Southerngirl, what are you doing after graduation?"
Me -"Well..." when my coworker interupts
coworker - Mmm. this is good cake.
Me - "...I am going....
coworker - did you hear me? This is great cake.
Me -" ...to head ..."
coworker- "faboulous cake. Let me tell you all..."
I simply smile and let them talk. After a few minutes they look at me and says "Oh! Were you trying to say something?"
I just walked away. Later the original coworker who asked came up and apologized, and I answered her question.
After the incident, I spoke to the coworker about it. Thier response: "I was just teasing. Everyone knows that I was just joking with you."
This is not an isolated incident. It happens at every social event I attend. I have tried not attending, but I am required to be at some.

Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom. Please allow me to clarify some things.

1. The coworker involved is actually my supervisor. And while we are at work, they are very careful to act and speak properly. The incidents have only happened at social events which I was obligated to be at.

2. I do not seek this person out at those events; they seek me out.

But as you all have mentioned several options; I am going to try a few and see if I nip this in the bud.

Thanks so much!

drshorty, I agree being rude back is not the way to handle the situtation. If I were to sink to that level, tempting though it is, it would only make the problem worse. Thank you for your comments. I have actually tried to do what you suggested, it did not work - meaning the person continues to pull similar stunts. I am trying to figure out the next step I should take.

Everyone else thank you for input. Many of you have several good ideas on how I should handle this. Thank you.

Answer 1

It's not as easy as some might think to change people's behavior. So you need to change yours. In the words of Dr. Phil, "We teach people how to treat us". Thats true, we do. When I was a young 19yr old rookie officer, I was unsure at times and would let people get the best of me sometimes with their smart elic responses or attitudes. I figured out that it was usually because I wasn't 100% certain of all the legalities involved, not just the written law; but the case law from similar court cases and my rights as a peace officer from the state law that protected me from local political decisions and such policies that might contradict my duties empowered to me by the state. Once I became well educated in my protections as an officer under state and federal laws, and kept up to date with case law modificatiuons of codified law; I was much more confident. I never again allowed anyone to abuse me or take advantage of me. I treat them as I would want to be treated and can handle some verbal abuse from frustrated citizens, but only to a point. Other officers who do this have been ordered to change reports in the past such as accident reports, or arrest report charges; and are no longer in the comand staff, instead facing prosecution by the DA.
I know its probably alot easier for me now, just because of the uniform. But I believe the way to gain respect and be treated respectfully is to project my image as such. I've been told by many people in and out of law enforcement that I just "seem to command respect." I don't know about that, but I treat people decently and refuse to get caught up in some of the BS some officers do to each other. I always listen to what citizens have to say. At least they feel they got the opportunity to explain their actions or side of a story, whether it had any influence on what i had to do or not. I cover officers on calls on calls when assigned or when they call for it without hesitation, but it doesn't mean I have to like the way they act or let them drag me into their childish behaviors. And I know they will do the same for me. Just be who you want to be. You can be courteous but when you stop interacting when they abuse you and feeling obligated to need their approval, they'll get the message.

Answer 2

Be Brave. Tell him that you need a minute of his time near the end of a day. Take a coworker with you. Tell him that you need his help with something and need a few moments to speak about it uninterupted. Tell him that your preference is that you do not want him to talk to you that way and you do find it disrespectful. When, you act like this in front of others, It appears that you are trying to embarass me. If we were in a different setting, then maybe. But not, in front of our other collegues. Be firm and let him know where you stand. If you act assertive and not witchy or whiney ,then your firmness and point will become understood. And not "oh, she's just being a baby." Be firm and address it twice, when necessary. You will learn from this and others in your office see that you handled it fair and with respect. You will then get more respect from the others, too. TRY IT...

Answer 3

It sounds like this is a long-established pattern of behavior. If this really hurts your feelings, you could just talk to the person (probably not at the party) and say something like, "It seems that at every party, you try to make a joke by interrupting me. I know it seems pretty funny, but it actually hurts my feelings. Do you think you could manage not to do it this time?"
If it doesn't bother you that bad, just change the subject, or keep talking. If you keep talking the other person will eventually stop. Of course, you could always just walk away.

I completely disagree with previous answerers that it's okay for you to be rude. First of all, since this person is your supervisor, that could have consequences for your job. Second, as they say, "two wrongs don't make a right".

Answer 4

Ignoring rude behavior is a very polite way of handling it but it will not stop it and you should not have to tolerate it. But your actions should continue to reflect the maturity you have shown thus far. I would address this co-workers behavior instantly and compassionatly by "calling 'em like ya see 'em". For example in the situation you described a good response would have been to say, (with a tone of pity) "It is obvious Bill [co-workers name] needs some attention, so let's all stop our conversation and smile/wave/focus on him a minute, when he is satisfied, we can talk." If the other party went along with you, 'Bill' would be the person placed in an awkward position."

Answer 5

Give this jerk of his own medicine. The next time "he teases", you, hit him with some sharp words.. and i swear to God to you, it will stun him so much, it will make his head spin. Have a list of "put downs" ready to go with this loser, so when he jokes with you; you got so verbal ammunition.

This guy is Passive Aggressive, and is HOSTILE. He's threatened by you. it has been my experience with bullies, if you look them in the eye and hold your ground (albeit, even in a civil manner) they will back down.

Interrupt him and then "i was just kidding".
Don't get sensitive with this guy, b/c he will exploit it; like a shark does when they smell blood.

So, next time there's a social event; before you go, have a few "one liners" to cut him down to size ready to go. Have like 5, it can be anything; to his hair, clothes, wife, weight, bad breath/body order...just make sure it's true, b/c that's what really hurts and will really embarrassing. He will be stunned and embarrassed; but if he hits you back with an "insult" (don't kid yourself...this is not teasing; it's just plain meanness), you can give him another one/two punch.

It's true what they say about life; when you grow up, it's just like highschool.............................................and when you stand up to the "school yard bully" you will see what a weak character he has.

Answer 6

It sounds like your co-worker has no respect for you and wants your job. If indeed this is the case you need to find out if the one in question is backed by higher-ups in the business you are in because you need to report their insubordination to someone sympathetic to your position. If you don't have any such, your desire to continue to contribute will fall on deaf ears and you better begin looking for other employment.

Answer 7

Eh just tell them they are being rude. I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot it be a bit different. Hanging out with co-workers is overrated anyway.

Answer 8

Sit him aside and tell him that even though he thinks it is a joke, it is rude to you. And since he is doing it to you he needs to accept the fact that you think it is rude whether he agrees or not. If he continues to do it, firmly but civilly ask him to please not speak with you anymore. It may be harsh but if you have talked to him already and he doesn't acknowledge it, then maybe harsh is what he needs to see reality.
Good luck

Answer 9

You are handling it well--- look blankly at them-- then walk away - just like they didn't say anything at all-- IT IS CALLED THE BLANK WALL STARE-- I am sure you can do it well! You did get an apology didn't you!!

You are dealing with BOZOS and a near idiot or two..CONTINUE to be BRAVE-- YOU WILL EVERY TIME!

Answer 10

Hi, It sounds to me as though they are very insensitive to your feelings. I wouldn't bother to give them the time of day. However if you must, Just tell them, they can't have their cake and eat it too..an old saying. or, My names Cliff, jump over some time. By allowing them to push your buttons, they will continue to do so. You don't need to be tactful. I myself, a great lover of peace, would simply tell them to **** off, and die young....Another old saying...